MENTAL ILLNESS

Rudy Giuliani Honors 9/11 By Selling Autographed T-Shirts for $911

Something to die for

Rudy Giuliani is 4 months late for honoring 9/11. Or 8 months early.

In a desperate attempt to cover his legal fund debt, Giuliani decided to get into the E-commerce business. After taking 1 introductory course on drop shipping, Guiliani decided to hire cheap Chinese manufactures to design a T-shirt, customize it, autograph it, and sell it for $911.

“Before I lost my mind, I was a respectable mayor during the dreadful attacks,” Giuliani stated.

“I made it big in the Big Apple. Now, I have to run from one landscaping business to another just to lie to the public that voter fraud exists.

“What’s worse, the person who hired me to hold these press conferences isn’t even paying me! I’m now broke, and I lost my law license just for promoting lies. I haven’t been this humiliated since I got caught trying to sleep with Borat’s underaged daughter!

“I thought about opening an OnlyFans, but I have too much pride and standards. I thought about getting in the porn industry, but I’ve already been fucked in the ass by one white guy too many. The only way I can pay my debts is if I sell merchandise.”

We asked Giuliani if people would even want to buy his brand, as he successfully tarnished it through his fake news. Giuliani shrugged.

“The conservative voters are morons. They forgot that Donald Trump led an insurrection in 2021. It’s been a year later, and Trump is still popular among the Republicans. They’ll definitely forget all my crimes.”

Guiliani also mentioned that he’ll consider creating NFTs of these shirts, priced at $2001 dollars (or 1 ethereum token. Damn, the crypto market really tanked, huh?) Whoever purchases the NFT will get a free 9-minute, 11-second legal consulting session from the self-proclaimed scam-artist. We heard it’s a session to die for.

For those interested, view WABC Merchandise to buy his shirts. We’re definitely not interested, but perhaps you have a liberal friend you want to “own”? In all seriousness, think long and hard if that prank is worth shelling out $911 for. Screenshot below.

Disclaimer: This is true.

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You’re not going to believe this. But I actually had this title as a satire draft in my pipeline 4 months ago. Some minor differences.

1) Original title was “Rudy Giluanni Attempts to Pay Off Law Fund Debts By Selling 9/11 Merchandise”

2) Rudy wasn’t selling shirts, but an album filled with the screams of victims and firetruck sirens from the attacks. He priced the album at $20.01, because I thought that sounded like a reasonable price. At least critics gave the album 9 out of 11 stars.

I intended to flesh out the details for this piece next month, as there were other funnier pieces I wanted to publish first. This plan changed on January 24, 2021, when HillReporter Todd Neikirk published this exact story. I was planning on creating fake news. Neikirk was reporting the truth.

I have no need to write this piece, as you can read Neikirk’s factual reporting instead. Despite it being real, it’s still funny as fuck. But damn. I know I write close to the truth, but I honestly didn’t expect an actual draft of mine to seep into the real world. What is this power I‘ve acquired?

Good lord, am I Emma Thompson in Stranger Than Fiction? Does everything I write come true? I gotta start removing all my pieces.

But if everything I write comes to reality, then I will win $1,000,000,000 on July 24th, 2022 through legal means. And I won’t be taxed on this amount.

And Trump will lose money and popularity in the next year, and die from sheer disappointment in himself.

And MAGA will be eliminated for good.

And ISIS, Taliban, and al-Qaeda will kill each other to death in 2022, ensuring peace in the Middle East.

And Vladimir Putin will die in 2022 because he was poisoned by Robert Kraft (that’s what he gets for stealing Kraft’s Super Bowl Ring).

And world peace will be achieved in December 2022. And I will find a significant other in 2022.

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