Rotate Your Beliefs
How to leave your life better than how you found it
I have been working on a personal essay for the second edition of Empty The Pews, a remarkable collection of “Twenty-one timely, affecting essays by those who survived hardline, authoritarian religious ideology and uprooted themselves from the reality-averse churches that ultimately failed to contain their spirits.”
Although it would be absolutely amazing if my essay were chosen for the second edition, all I find myself focusing on is their incredible mission: Empty the Pews! I wish I would have thought of it myself. But I suppose the deep, unspoken need for self-survival (getting out of religion) overshadowed any possible insight to take anyone with me.
Regardless, working on this essay has meant a deep-dive into my past — no jumping forward to preferred memories, no spinning away from painful flashbacks, no diverting my stare from spinning reminders of oppression.
What I’ve found as I search my consciousness for stories about living through my hardcore religious upbringing is that it often leaves me with a dab of agony inside, and I end each writing session by shaking my head at the waste of time and life that was mine, but is now gone forever.
Suddenly, I thought, “What if I could leave my life better than how I found it?”
Could I really do it?
I think I knew from an early age that something wasn’t right. How could the entire world be wrong and a group of 100–200 people be right about all things regarding heaven and earth and eternity and damnation?
So much is wrapped up in a childhood, especially when that childhood is constricted by religion. Struggling through the first 20 plus years of life is hard enough, but to be taught that you are imperfect and wired for struggle and wrong doing — ouch! That’s tough.
How is a child to find faith in self, to realize the depths of love, or to discover belief in humanity when taught that there is none to be had? Or that any and all goodness comes from a far-away source?
I can’t help but wonder sometimes: can I leave my life better than how I found it?
Life in the pews wasn’t all bad. It’s not like I was abused or violated. Nothing like that. Just brainwashed — from the age of 6 years — that the father, the son, and the holy ghost were persistent in wanting to control my mind and soul. Surrounding adults lingered on the sidelines of my life doling out meaning and worthiness in meager doses.
We’re all born into a tribe of humans who, in one form or another, draw the circles that connect and drive our thoughts, traditions, and beliefs. And, as children, we are helpless and clueless as these strangers design everything we come to know and understand.
Eventually, my only hope out was to rotate those beliefs.
Is it possible that the only good inside of humans isn’t what’s poured into them by the holy spirit?
Could it be that my religious family wasn’t all bad?
Maybe people aren’t intentionally suppressing other people’s ideas and feelings, holding them back, and directing their lives.
Maybe . . . just maybe . . . people are doing all they know to do with the knowledge they have.
Maybe, my religious people were doing the best they could do with what they knew. Maybe they believed so wholeheartedly in the clash between the evil world and the condition of salvation that saving me was the best thing they could think of to do.
Maybe they honestly believed that I — in my childhood innocence — needed their protection, their insight, and their guidance or else I too would end up succumbing to evil and be lost forever.
Perhaps I needed to rotate my beliefs.
Perhaps I needed to find a different truth, one that better suited me.
Human: The Good, The Bad, and The In-between
As I rotated my belief system on this twisted life journey, I realized people are never wholly good nor wholly bad. Most people are doing their darndest to get through life, to discover their own grand outcomes, and to make sense of the informal details that crowd their minds.
We’re all trying to figure things out and we’re all doing it from different perspectives supported by different experiences.
After rotating my beliefs, I packed up the holy spirit and sent her far, far from my current life. In her place, I rely on positive intent to guide my thought and my days.
Positive intent is the belief that assumes the best of people. It allows me a mindset that concludes people are doing the best they can with what they know, with what life has dealt them. This is far removed from the initial belief deposited inside of me that assumed people were born into sin and prone to wrongdoing. But I’m okay with that.
The Top 10 Results of My Rotated Belief System
10. Even when it’s not Halloween, everyone wears a mask. This sounds cynical but it’s not. Vulnerability is tough for everyone and openness can be more challenging for some than for others. I’ve learned to look beyond to see the real person. And am still learning how to make my outer world as similar as possible to my inner world.
9. Even good people have bad days. Yes, there is good and bad inside of everyone, but in varying degrees. Nobody’s perfect and nobody is trying to disappoint me on purpose.
8. People often do things for other than apparent reasons. I’m learning to read between the lines, to hear what is not being said, and to see the feelings behind the words. What I find often makes all the difference.
7. People like, trust, and believe those who like them. When I approach people from a state of immediately liking them, regardless of who they are, they promptly like me back. It takes such little effort to be welcoming, to be inclusive and warm. All I had to do was forget about the numerous judgment boxes I was taught to put people in.
6. People hear only what they understand. No two human lives have the exact same life and we’re all on different paths in our journeys. It took me decades to get to a place in my own life where I could finally understand that people aren’t horrible and full of evil. But when I was able to understand it, I finally heard it and internalized it.
5. Everybody prefers to talk about things that are important to him/her. Once I realized this, it was easier to meet people exactly where they’re at. It allows me to diagnose their values, needs, and emotions and connect with them in ways that are effective for them, not just me.
4. Everybody approaches at least most situations with “what’s in it for me?” It’s natural to have a tendency toward self-preservation and that’s okay. As long as we’re alert to it and are able to set it aside when it doesn’t suit our needs, it’s okay to put yourself first in your own life. I tell my daughters: your life needs to be about you, not anyone else.
3. The most compassionate and generous people have strong personal boundaries. To me this means giving myself permission to recognize what is healthy for me while saying no to what is not good for me. For so many years my life was about god and all she wanted. But my life is about me and it’s okay for my life to be about me. It’s okay to pick and choose who and what is a part of my life. And boundaries make it possible.
2. Everyone’s #1 need is acceptance. Our quest for validation is innate. Our need to be loved, nurtured, and accepted for who we are is a basic and fundamental need. When I focus on the good in people, it’s easy to accept them as they are. I love not seeing people through a film of sin any longer.
1. Everyone’s #2 fear is rejection. Rejection may be a part of life but it’s downright painful. And I never want to be the reason someone is carrying that awful feeling. Life is too short. Far too short to be small, inclusive, and close-minded.
It’s never too late to rotate your beliefs and leave your life better than how you found it. If something isn’t working for you — and that includes an entire belief system — change it. I did.