Romanticizing Heartbreak
and the creation of meaning
“Perhaps some day I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorry.”
— Sylvia Plath
There’s been something hiding in the back of my mind since I can remember. It seems burned into my psyche as if I understood from the moment I found consciousness. I don’t know where I learned this, how I experienced this, or why it is something I’ve always held on to.
To be a great writer, is to open yourself up to the greatest heartbreak and bleed it onto the page.
Is that from Hemingway? Fitzgerald? Did my mind craft the idea on its own?
Anyway, I’ve never been able to hide from sadness. I’ve never been able to ignore the parts of me that want to destroy my own existence; the feelings that stop time.
Someone told me recently it seems like I romanticize heartbreak. I guess I do.
Obviously, when I’m in the sensation it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and that there is no way I could find myself again.
But, after I weep on the bathroom floor and allow the ugliest emotions to flood through me, I take a breath, write a poem, and experience the shedding of another layer.
It often makes me wonder how it feels for a snake to shed another skin. Is it the primal experience of the anguish we feel to grow deeper into our identity?
And heartbreak is not exclusive to relationships. Heartbreak feels like the umbrella to all negative emotions. My heart cracks open a bit more through every moment of anger, fear, grief.
Every heartbreak leads to learning more about yourself. Choices for who you want to be. We can’t numb the negative emotions. They are as natural as the sky. You simply just have to witness them as they come and ask them the lessons they wish to teach you.
I believe romanticizing heartbreak is necessary for expansion.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
— Brene Brown
Since all emotions are natural, if we expand, we are expanding outward, not upward. As we hope to expand to hold the higher emotions, we must find the strength to hold the lower. They are all important to growth.
But, maybe I have an unhealthy relationship to sadness. When anything happens that takes me through the wringer, I always think “well, at least this will be a good story one day.” It’s my way of coping with life.
It always comes back to art. I think art is the easiest way to show up for our emotions. When we are hurting, we turn to art to get us through.
Some ways I romanticize heartbreak:
- (safely) getting in my car, blasting And I Will Always Love You and screaming it as I drive down a scenic road with sunset in front of me
- lighting a candle, turning off the lights and lying on my floor with my hands on my heart
- sitting in my shower, weeping as the water washes over me, pretending I’m a character in a movie that reached their breaking point
- writing a letter on beautiful stationery, letting my tears stain the page (extra points if you light the letter on fire)
- writing a poem and recording myself reading it
- make a sad playlist and dance to it
- lying in the grass as a storm moves in, letting the rain wash over me
- buying myself roses, dipping said roses in paint and using them as brushes on a canvas
I highly recommend the last one, though all have the benefit of allowing yourself to be in the moment with your feelings.
This leads me to what I always wonder after I’ve experienced heartbreak.
Is there truly a reason for everything? Can I find meaning in this?
Do you believe meaning sits outside of us and is shown, or do you believe meaning is chosen by us and radiates outward?
One part of me believes in complete free will, choosing everything we experience in this life. While another part of me believes in fate, that there are certain things we are destined to experience. These forces are always clashing and I think I’m meant to live in this fog of meaning forever.
I’ve been listening to Philosophize This’ The Creation of Meaning series (10/10 recommend).
As I listen to the series, I question the magnitude of choice. How much authority do I have over the meaning of my experiences? Why are we programmed to try and uncover that meaning and how can we ever land on the system by which we filter those experiences to gain understanding?
Especially when I look at heartbreak. Is there an existence where I don’t have to experience heartbreak? A life where my meaning comes from settling into constant joy rather than lessons through suffering?
There are so many questions here, because well, I don’t know. I have no answers for this. I’m just here to play with the meanings that I’ve decided on and see if my reality will bend to prove those meanings valid.
Which is truly what identity is centered around; the meanings we decide to focus our energy on. When we lose a sense of meaning, we lose our sense of self.
Subtle Activation
- How do you show up for your negative emotions? Do you try to avoid them? Feel shame about experiencing them?
- What does the sensation of heartbreak feel like to you?
- What has come up for you after heartbreak? Did you learn something about yourself? Did you make a decision about your life? Change?
- Were you ever told you were too emotional? Do you judge others when they are emotional?
- What do you currently find meaning from? Is it from a system or religion outside of you or does it come from your own understanding of your reality? Do you think it’s possible to shift meaning?
One meaning that has attached itself to me that I’m trying to rid myself of is this idea that everything is “almost.” Almost lovers, almost success, almost joy.
“Almost” feels like the ultimate failure for me. It feels like there wasn’t even an opportunity to try, and it’s something I keep experiencing. Is this fate? Some kind of karma that I’m meant to move through? Or am I afraid to allow something in that I keep searching for experiences that provide me with that almost feeling? If it is almost, then I don’t have to take responsibility; I don’t have to hold anything for too long to realize it wasn’t what I wanted, because it never truly was.
At least the feeling of almost got me to write today.
with love, Talula Rose
More on Emotions
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