Roe vs. Wade: I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me

On twitter a man tweeted: I’ve never met a person that wished they were aborted, I replied “Here I am”

All my life my mother used to meet friends or my ex’s and tell them the story of how she wanted to have an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me. She said she only kept me because my father said I would be company for my older sister. I’ve had those same ex’s ask me why I even spoke or associated with a mother that was so cruel towards me. In January of 2022 I decided for the last time in my life that I was going to walk away from my mother. I survived the most horrific, abusive & violent childhood.

I will never forget being a 12 year old that used to pray so hard at night that God would not wake me up the next morning. I prayed that prayer well into my early teens. I would even awake and punch myself violently in my head & face. Waking up with God forsaking my one & only prayer request was so discouraging to me. I hated my childhood, I thought goodness and mercy would surely come to me when I became an adult. But it didn’t.

Much of my adult life was filled with more hurt, loss, physical, verbal and emotional abuse. From lovers, so called friends, my mother and my father. My mom continued to physically abuse me until 5 days after my first surgery for breast cancer in January of 2022. Yes, this most recent new year. I had my first of 2 lumpectomies for breast cancer. A few days later I made the bad choice of taking my mother up on her offer of spending the night at her home to avoid power loss during an impending ice storm.

Well the ice storm never came and I never made it to her home either. She started screaming & cursing, so I begged to be returned to where I was staying. Once we arrived she waited until I placed one foot out of her car, then drove off, leaving my body to fall to the ground. I landed on my right knees, hands and my right breast which was where the surgery was recently performed. It caused a huge, red massive lump and bruise to form on the breast. My knees bled, were sore and bruised.

My older sister didn’t care very much, when I told her that our mother had tried to kill me she laughed. A master levels social worker, therapist scoffed at the idea that I could’ve been killed when she drove off while I was exiting her vehicle. “No, she didn’t try to kill you, Tracie you are so dramatic!”

I didn’t realize that people falling to the ground wouldn’t result in their deaths. I don’t have a masters degree but I thought maybe just maybe someone driving off while another human was half-way in and half-way out of a car could cause them to die.

I’ve had what one or two of my therapists would call passive suicidal ideology. If I am remembering the term correctly. When people hear you don’t want to be alive or you have suicidal thoughts there are so many comments that they pull out the bullshit pile.

“There’s always someone wishing to be you!” Oh shut the fuck up! They can have it. What do I care?

Then the little ditty, “You need Jesus!” Some way shape or form its God to the rescue but wait the years of abuse I lived through where was God? The adult life that I have that is just rot with so much pain, loss and loneliness. I’ve prayed so much, so often, so hard. Learning even other religions to incorporate into my life, my prayer routine.

With the hand raising, Black woman with the purple shirt on I raised my hand and proclaimed, “I am right here!”

That tweeter never acknowledged me either, never even replied to my raised hand. I wish my mother who clearly has so much hatred in her heart for me, should have aborted me and I wish daily she had done so.

Oh wait then comes in the folks that wanna call me ungrateful. I have prayed, blessed, thanked God for allowing me to travel the places I’ve traveled to. I’m immensely grateful for the things I’ve seen. Maybe even for the people I’ve met, even though no one has stayed in my life securely.

I wish my mom would have avoided beating the life out of me and taken herself to a clinic to abort me. Plain and simple. I would have preferred that over this life any day.

Please consider buying me a coffee (goes to my nonprofit work for Gender Equality & Children’s Rights) Lacey’s House 🙏🏽

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