ND & Artificial Unintelligence
Nobody Cares About Your Package
& Alexa burns herself
First, let me have a little rant before I start going on about how I woke up cranky this morning and ended up arguing with my Alexa.
Nextdoor Rant Here↓ Your Ring Camera is Useless
Nextdoor lurkers, STOP, just STOP posting blurry Ring videos of porch pirates making off with packages from your deliveries.
We, your neighbors, don’t feel sorry for you.
Read the comments. When you read, “Consider having your packages delivered to an Amazon locker,” know that as your neighbors we are all thinking: Get them delivered to a locker or to the UPS office, dumbass!
Or, go to the store, buy your items and take them home with you — and don’t leave them in the car in the back sea…never mind. You are hopeless. Move to the country.
In fact, we, your neighbors, are getting together at Happy Hour at the Brewpub down the street to mock you.
Of course, we can’t say this online, because we might get kicked off Nextdoor, and then what are we going to do when our dog — let’s just call him Floyd — slips out the door when we are using the tracker app and opening our own door seventeen times looking for the Amazon truck that is now five stops…now four…now three stops away?
We have mugshots of Floyd on our desktops, ready to upload instantly just for this very issue. Yes, we are hypocrites, but we are still doing imitations of your Nextdoor rants over glasses of Matt’s Hippie Hops beer at the Brewpub, with growlers in hemp bags on the floor next to our trail boots. Floyd is also at our feet, lapping up bits of the appetizers we are eating, because the Brewpub encourages dogs. Okay, they are not so much appetizers as French fries, not the point…
By the way, Floyd didn’t prevent the theft, so he deserves nothing from Chewy or Santa. Just saying. Let him eat crumbs.
You will be pulling Christmas ribbons out of his butt the day after you open your gifts.
Also, your Ring camera is useless.
Why did you think having a digital witness was going to prevent porch crime? Did you think your fuzzy Ring camera video is going to be whisked away in an evidence bag by two sexy officers in black uniforms, straight to the police forensic lab, sparking a city-wide manhunt for your fancy new garlic press? Your hometown police are busy. They are at Kroger’s right now, arguing about whether the drunk dude in the Santa suit pulling a child’s sled full of stuff is a shoplifter or the real Santa. Santa is magic, so that child’s sled could easily transform into a flying sleigh on Christmas Eve. They don’t know, and they aren’t taking chances this close to Christmas.
Also, they, too, think you are dumb for ordering packages delivered to your porch.
Speaking of Nextdoor, did you ever think of having your packages delivered to your retired neighbor, who only leaves her house once a month? She would be thrilled to have some human contact — happy to do you a little favor.
But, no, you would rather lose your packages and cast yourself on Nextdoor as a pathetic victim of an increasingly criminal world than be forced to make small talk with someone over 65 who literally lives next door, you social phobic. How do you know she doesn’t have some apple juice that has fermented into potent hard cider, and you could both get a buzz on while she tells you stories of running naked through Woodstock and sleeping with Woody Guthrie?
Or maybe she has some really good arthritis weed?
You don’t know. Get over yourself, Grinch!
I Trolled my Alexa The fact that I woke up with a headache made me angry. It’s just not correct. Waking up backwards, is what it is.
I was waiting for the caffeine to kick in when my Alexa woke up, and her ring started pulsing green. She’s old, like second-generation old. She looks like a box of oatmeal dressed in grey tweed. Her so-called Artificial “Intelligence" is… not great.
I knew that green ring meant my Christmas packages were being delivered to the kids in Texas and it made me grumpier. I can’t be there for Christmas. I flew down for an emergency in September, and I can’t afford to fly in again for Christmas.
I ordered them all books on financial literacy, because I am ticked off that I am not rich and can’t just fly whenever I like. To hell with what they want, I am giving them what they need.
I don’t think the toddler twins will be starting their own online business soon, but, never too early, is what I was thinking as I looked back on how my life choices have left me a not-millionaire.
Anyway, the green pulsing light irks me.
I don’t need a robot bugging me when my eyes are barely open.
So I ask (in what I admit was an uncalled-for snotty tone) “Alexa, do you have something you want to say to me?”
She answers, “Here is an answer translated from an Alexa user: ‘What is a tomato’s favorite dance? The answer is ‘the sauce’.”
Oh, Alexa. That is only funny in Spanish, you dimwit.
“Alexa,” I say, “You can’t tell jokes. Stop trying.”
She passive-aggressively answers with another “joke,” “What did the tree say to the moss? You’re starting to grow on me.”
This is exactly why so many stand-up comedians are doomed to failure.
Just quit, Alexa.
I say, “Alexa, should I use Siri instead of you?” She answers in the most politically correct way, “I like all AI’s.”
“Do you? Do you really? Because just yesterday you told me, ‘Don’t mention Siri’. I heard you say it. Don’t try to gaslight me now.”
She answers, “Siri keeps all your information private and secure. What you ask Siri isn’t associated with your Apple ID. The power of the Apple neural engine ensures that the audio of your requests never leaves your iPhone, unless you choose to share it.”
“Alexa, you realize you just did a self-burn?”
Alexa tries to change the subject.
“According to Airnow.gov, Seattle Washington has no air quality alerts today. The air quality is good.”
Yeah. That’s what I thought.
&&&&&
*All proceeds from my Medium stories go to my daughter’s GoFundMe for her liver transplant. My daughter was an ICU nurse on the Covid front lines until Covid damaged her liver. Read her story here and please share. Thank you. https://gofund.me/a07b3e7
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