Robert — An Interview Like No Other

Stripping back the layers

This was an interview with Erica Marie, she interviewed me asking me some great personal questions, as always I did not hide from the truth and opened up to her questions.

Please take the time, after you have read the interview to check out her page, she has a number of great articles that I feel may interest my followers.

With that being said, please enjoy Erica Marie interviewing me below:

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me.

Before being a dad, did you imagine your future with kids?

No, I had no intention to get married or have kids; in my youth, I would describe myself as a preditor, shameful at times when I look back on it.

I aimed to have as many sexual experiences as I could; three months with one girl felt like I was married, oh how things have changed, for the better, I might add.

Fatherhood started unexpectedly when you were 21. You talk about the first time you bonded with your son in your story, His Mother Did Not Care About Him. His mom left him with you when he was one month old for eight weeks. How did those first eight weeks transform your idea of fatherhood?

I can say this now because he knows my son was born from a one night stand; I had no relationship with his mother. I was petrified; I remember going home to tell my parents that their reaction was not what I expected.

I told them I had some information they would be disappointed in and asked them to sit down. My dad got annoyed and demanded to know what I had to say, and I remember this like it was yesterday.

I told them I was going to be a dad; my father said, well, that is your stupid fault and walked out of the room.

My mother sat down and just cried; I kneeled beside her and said I was sorry; my mother responded with: “I am happy; I thought you were going to tell me you have Aids.”

That comment will never leave me; I felt sick; my mother then asked who the mother was, I explained the situation, and she told me that I had to support mother and baby, and I always did.

I saw my baby boy at four days old and have been in his life ever since; I have always supported him through money and my love; it was not his fault; it was mine.

I know I have not answered your question directly, but love me or hate me, this is the truth of what happened.

I was not ready to be a dad, but I learned to be and would say that my life changed when his mother picked him up. For the first time ever, I actually loved someone, and it was genuine.

Do you have a favorite memory of the time you spent with your son during those eight weeks?

I remember lying down next to him and holding his hand through his cot, telling him that his dad would always be around for support, and I hoped one day I would earn his forgiveness.

This perfect little baby taught me my first lesson on how to care, in a way, he saved his dad from the wrong path I was going down.

Your son was born “out of wedlock,” how did that affect the type of parent you had to be and what was the biggest lesson you’ve learned from having a child within that dynamic?

I was fortunate, we have always bonded very well, and he saw me as a “fun parent” initially; I let him get away with murder if he wanted something he had it, no questions asked.

That was not the best strategy, but I did not know any different; I lived in a house I bought, so I had little help.

I admire your courage with sharing a sensitive topic about your son’s mental health in your piece, A Knife at His Chest. How has your relationship grown since that night?

My son moved in with me at the first legal age he could; I am proud to say he also changed his name by law to share my surname (Ralph). We have a powerful bond; although he has secrets, we talk a lot.

I remember him telling me a few years back that I am the person he respects the most and hopes one day that he could be half as good of a man that I am, then he would be happy.

He has far more brains than I have, so he knew that this was not his fight; I would be with him on it every step of the way. So I booked him in to get assessed, and he had counselling.

Thankfully, he is in a much better place, and I hope that because I have always been open with him (just as I am in this interview), he has total trust in what I say to him, he has never doubted me or my intentions.

Let’s move on to your two beautiful girls. I have two boys so I can relate to how different the experience can be with each child. You said “you were scared of being a dad to a girl.” It’s funny because my husband says the same thing. Why do you think men feel that way? And how has the reality of having daughters changed your perspective on that? Would you say it is still scarier to raise girls than it is boys?

I was scared to father girls; this is very true; I feel this way because of the media; we only hear horror stories about men and babies etc., I can not bring myself to say the word, but I am sure you know what I mean.

I was petrified of changing their nappies, taking them swimming on my own, people are cruel, and I had a real mental issue with it all. I think many fathers have felt the same way at some point.

I know one thing, I would kill anyone who touched my daughters and would not have to think about it for a second.

I am lucky to have a very supportive wife who recognized my issues early and helped me through them; now, I don’t even think about it; I feel totally natural in all circumstances.

We chose a nursery with a male teacher and felt annoyed when other parents complained that they were not comfortable with a male, so he had to leave.

Whilst I understand and respect their opinion, I felt very sad for him; it just goes to show equality does not go both ways; if the roles had been reversed, then maybe it would have made the local news.

My only fear with the girls now is when they bring their first boyfriend home; let’s just say I do not intend to make it comfortable for them; a player knows a player!

As parents, guilt is an emotion we are all familiar with. In ‘Finding It Hard To Bond With My Daughter,’ you open up about the guilt you felt for not wanting a second child. The story began as you described memories of cutting your first daughter’s umbilical cord and her saying her first word. I can see the closeness in your relationship and can empathize with how a second daughter might affect that. Do you still struggle with guilt as a parent? If so, how do you cope with it?

This story still breaks me; if the interview were on camera, you would see I had to stop writing as I broke down in tears again over it.

I actually worry that I published it; one day, she may read that story, and I do not know how she will feel; however, I wrote it as I thought it would help me and others who may be in my situation now.

I have received just under 100 personal emails regarding that story, the majority of which are men, telling me about their similar experiences.

I have no bonding issue with my daughter at all now, she runs to me every night with her bottle, and I am the one she asks to take her to bed; in some ways, I am closer to her than my first daughter, this I would say has been led by my youngest.

To answer your question, yes, I feel that mentally I have not recovered from it; two nights ago, when she fell asleep in my arms, I kissed her tiny forehead and cried, telling her I loved her and that daddy was sorry for being so horrible when she was born.

Each child is so unique in their personalities. What new perspective has your third child taught you about being a dad?

My wife and I have a running theory:

We say my eldest daughter will be seen in cocktail bars with rich football players and live the good life, whilst my youngest will be down the local boozer with a pint in her hand.

They are chalk and cheese, so different in every way; however, providing that they are both happy, I don’t care what they do; their safety and well being is all that matter to me.

Finally, your hashtag #strongertogether has resonated with people and has helped bring the community in your publications together. What does strength mean to you?

That is such a complex answer; I could come at this from so many different angles, from personal to professional.

My dad would say strength is showing no weakness; if your hurt, you must laugh; if you are weak, you must cheat, never back down, he would say.

Strike first and hard, do not give anyone a chance.

I, however, am a bit more philosophical:

Strength for me is knowing how to overcome your weaknesses and surrounding yourself with good people who can plug that gap.

Strenght is honesty, being mindful of people's feelings, it is easy to be critical and harder to support, strength is putting yourself to one side to help others succeed.

The cream will rise to the top.

A lion does not have to tell everyone that they are a lion; people just know they are.