Risk Is in My Genes, Thank You Grandpa Scimenes!

Why I Stopped Being Dependable and Playing It Safe

I used to think I had to pick one thing and stick with it. I used to pride myself in perseverance. I used to be in things for the long haul. I used to be dependable. Then I realized life doesn’t work like that.

I’m the one who hangs on to a commitment the group has made long after all the others have thrown in the towel. I’m the girl who everybody knows will pick up the pieces that they refuse to hold. And I am the one who holds onto seasons in my life with the cold, dead, grip of a Southern Baptist, NRA card-carrying hunter who cries, “You’ll have to pry this gun out of my cold, dead hands.”

Change and surprise were not welcome words in my home when I was growing up. I learned early on not to ask because the answer was always no. I also learned that risk-taking was for other families but we “don’t do things like that.” It turned out we didn’t do a lot of things and it hurt us a lot. We didn’t take vacations. We didn’t talk about our feelings. We didn’t cheer each other on. And we didn’t venture too far from the shore.

Not doing things and not taking risks and letting life live you into a rut is a great recipe for weariness, bitterness, and resentment.

The truth is EVERYONE has dreams and adventure written into their DNA. We would not have survived as a species if we didn’t. To stifle that carefree spirit and bury those dreams is the death knell of joy in your life.

Learning to be a risk taker means looking back from where you came

My sister once said, “We aren’t a family of risk takers.” And then I remembered that ship’s manifesto I saw online with my grandfather’s X as his signature and thought about an 18-year-old young man, an orphan who didn’t speak or write a word of English, stepping onto a boat in Naples, Italy to risk all he knew to venture to America and start a new life. Not risk takers? Risk is in my genes, thank you Grandpa Scimenes!

Still, as a young person, playing it safe seemed the best recourse for avoiding disaster, so I tried. Even still, disaster and heartache found me. How is that possible? Life happens. There are no explanations and no exemptions. When my firstborn was diagnosed with a liver disease and life was hard, scary, and stressful, people at church would try to say consoling things like “I don’t understand why this happened to you.” My pragmatic response — wise beyond my years — was “Why not? Who am I to be exempt from the trials of life?”

Yet, I tried. I schemed and planned, made pro and con lists, forecast yearly goals and where I wanted to be when, but the inconsistencies of life still battered at my door and the rains of misfortune still fell.

Life happens. It just does, so why do we waste precious Earth time trying to control it and make it all safe and predictable?

And guess what happens once life is safe and predictable? We’re bored. I don’t mean we should create senseless drama. My motto has always been “Keep it simple, my friends, because life’s complicated enough on its own.” What I mean is why not eat the chocolate cake for breakfast or plan the last minute vacation to see your friend who lives in England or accept the free trip to Hawaii and just do it?

You can do things differently

My parents lived their whole lives playing it safe, being responsible Americans and buying the dream house in the suburbs. They worked hard for 30 years to pay the mortgage thinking they were leaving a nest egg to their children, only to see that house decline in value during the housing crisis of 2007–09 and it become a burden to their children as we watched all that money invested washed down the sewer on Bangor Ave.

Yet, I know my parents longed for risk. Why else would my father have become a compulsive gambler and my mom hoard her decorating supplies in the spare bedroom closets?

My father spent little time with me but when he did he seemed to live vicariously through the things he knew I loved. He took me to Sea World the first week it opened and he took me to movies like Grizzly Adams and The Adventures of the Wilderness Family. He often talked of leaving the harsh Ohio winters and moving to Florida. Every time this conversation came up I’d feel a lift of hope and desire in my heart, thinking it just might happen…only to hear my mom squelch his dreams once again, “I’m not going to Florida, there are too many bugs there!” Dear Mother, if you’d only said “Yes, let’s do it.” would the doors of risk and adventure opened up just a tad bit more for you?

We all have dreams, desires, unfulfilled wishes and when we try to squelch them they explode all around the seams of our lives, often in unhealthy ways. Those unmet expectations can manifest in hoarding, compulsive spending, stress eating, anger, envy, or fantasy lives that destroy self-esteem and families.

Let’s just stop playing it safe, okay?

Let’s say what we mean and mean what we say but stop being so darn dependable and predictable! If you’re tired of your job and your boss is an ass, guess what? You don’t have to stay at that job! Craft your resume, pump up your Linkedin profile, file for an LLC, make a list of everything you are good at, and make a change!

I know it’s not always a snap of the fingers but it starts by knowing who you are and what you want. Not that false self-narrative you told yourself: I want to be a good parent and have a happy marriage. Check. That’s a given. Now move a little deeper: What else do you really want? What makes you smile when you think nobody is watching? What are the things you look for on late night TV when everyone else goes to bed? Dig up those old journals and page through them if you dare! Mine them for the real you! The one that talks freely and dreams extravagantly.

The rules of how to live a happy life have been shattered in my lifetime. Playing it safe didn’t get my parents anywhere and cost them a lot of unhappiness. When my husband won a trip to Hawaii and I told my mom — who was already in the throes of dementia — that I was going to Hawaii, she lamented with a look of sad regret that I will never forget, “I always wanted to go to Hawaii.” Right then, a switch went off in my heart that triggered the desire to not have the regrets that kept my mom a prisoner in her own heart.

“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their children than the unlived life of the parent.” — Carl Jung

As I observe women of a certain age (and men too, I suppose) one thing is clear: unfulfilled dreams lead to bitterness. Bitterness is not a fruit of the spirit and it’s not a beauty regimen. Check your sour level. Is it time to sweeten things up? Can you stop being so darn dependable and predictable? When is the last time you planned something last minute or said “No” to something that shocked the asker? What are you holding onto that is suffocating your soul? That mortgage? The image? The regrets and false narratives of who you were supposed to be? The degree that was supposed to fulfill all your desires?

Life happens and I am learning that it’s better when we just let it happen, lose the death grip on expectations and plans, and stop being so darn dependable! Live a little, heh?

I’m Mary, learning to live my dreams as a woman of “a certain age” and you can find me dancing in the rain, or typing away as I plan my next adventure. I’d love to hear about your next step and how you’ll step out of your comfort zone!

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