Rinsing My Heart of Scars and Abuse

When I was a little boy, my step-father would constantly harass and berate me for the silly mistakes I would make, resulting in insults of a degrading nature that caused my self-confidence to dissipate. The one insult that scarred was him calling me an “idiot” and “having no common sense”. This verbal abuse deterred my trust in self, and the decisions I would make for a while going forward. At the very sight of my step-father, my confidence died and all I could do is stutter, shake and vomit lies to keep myself out of trouble; a defense mechanism born of fear. His anger would always overpower his logic and reasoning, so I did everything I could to avoid his rage.

My step-father mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused me, all of which scarred me deeply; and affected the way I acted and operated in situations throughout my life. The unhealthy relationship I held with him transcended the relationships of my high school and young adult life. I developed a careless, fast approach in meeting people to escape the pain in hopes to feel comfortable, validated, and valued. This was the case whether the relationship was platonic, romantic, or sexual. My lack of confident decision making caused many mistakes in this aspect of my life.

With all my trauma aside, I am and have always been an intelligent young man. Blessed with charm, and the ability to understand and be personable with people. These highlights of my personality came from an authentic source, but also acted as a mask to hide the pain of my step-father. I’ve also been blessed with talents in singing, songwriting, poetry, and musical theatre; these gifts of mine truly set me in a place of peace, and hope for a life of love. My confidence is always of the essence when the arts are in my presence, and this assurance never fled. I knew this was my destiny and a real home I could confide in. Though the burden of my step-father in mind was too heavy to bare and my path swerved for a bit, and temporarily, for the worse.

With everyone I’ve met, I tried to befriend them and create a sense of family but I’d make senseless mistakes, and get overwhelmed when confronted, by telling unnecessary lies. Some understood why I was like this, except for my best friend surprisingly. She wouldn’t see past my flaws or genuinely get to know me as a person, and constantly criticized me for everything I did, although she was the same way. Our relationship was toxic… constant partying, drinking and an introduction to drugs. This lifestyle I lived when I was with her was thrilling and made me forget my pain but we eventually cut ties (with inevitable relief). Despite my flaws and afflictions, I deserved those experiences, in order to reflect and grow as a man.

I fell into a dark place for just under two years, spiraling out from using a variety of party and sex drugs. I subdued to the wrong crowd and lifestyle I then embraced, yet soon refused to accept; I knew my worth and place in this world. The deeper meaning of my situation took light, and common sense slowly developed allowing my confidence in the decisions I made to bloom as well. Gratitude is an understatement, I feel blessed to have gone through this dark route, because of what I learned about myself and who I would become. I had to unlearn the bad habits of my adolescence that hindered my growth.

Misery, false happiness, slight delusion, and toxic environments tried rooting itself in my life; a worse circumstance than my life with my step-father. I was constantly making excuses, being dishonest with myself and others, losing focus on what was most important, and choosing the wrong people to invest myself with. Then, this all changed.

My intuition alerted my consciousness, and my life was redirected.

I saw my light, and evolved by way of self-love, with truth to be the backbone of my word, action, and forward direction. Intuition and Common Sense was finally my friend.

I even grew as an artist because I was able to be honest with myself.

This transcended the nature of my being, and what really inspired the cake was being honest about my drug use, why I started, and how to stop. Realizing the possibility of losing my life and ability as an artist was more than enough reason to discontinue my drug abuse before it was too late. And along with this ultimatum, I knew the most important thing I had to do was to forgive and move pass the pain of my past with my step-father. I met people that were truly addicted to drugs, unable to understand that there’s more to life than drugs and who couldn’t live past their pain, because their minds were lost to the lifestyle. This could’ve discouraged me because they were losing the battle, and who am I to win? I’m no one special, above or below the extent of value of anyone.

I now know that I deserved more than drugs because the woes of my past did not define my value and character, and with my belief and faith in God, I chose way of love and moved forward.

I relearned who I really was and unlearned any trait hindering my prosperity.

I designed the beast I’d soon become; a man of integrity, honesty, reason, balance, spirituality, wisdom and an unending thirst for constructive love in people, and my passion for music and literature.

I claimed my capability of emotional intelligence, why I was worthy of life and love from another human being. The standard was set for those I would let into my life form this moment on.

I rebuked the toxic seed once planted in my heart by the misery my step-father cast unto me.

My spirit soared and the sun dawned as my higher self. I knew the future was inevitable, as I followed steps of proclamation and power. Thomas-Matthew Elijah Shands (Born of a wonderful woman I call “Mommy”) was to be reborn in a wealthy and wise mind.

Now I know how to be myself without fear or uncertainty, but with truth and integrity.

I love the man I see in the mirror with confidence and precision. No more will I tear myself down by choosing to involve myself with anyone that isn’t full force in the pursuit of their passion and glory. And I appreciate the people that have always been there, in the background, with knowing the right minds to know, I can finally live a life of love and confidence. I’m now in joy and have healed the wounds of my past; I know better than to cast my demons onto others.