Ridiculously Simple Ways to Master the Art of Conversation

You might not like #3

I freaking love Reddit.

I stumbled across this today. The original post says that this guy had written “If you can’t hold a conversation, don’t swipe” on his Tinder profile.

Are we really having to cite “conversational skills” as something we’re looking for in a potential partner? Is the art of conversation truly dead?

Our reliance on social media and technology has caused many people to forget the skills required to form meaningful face to face relationships. Our youngest generation has grown up so saturated with technology that they have never really had the opportunity to practise these skills, which could account for why 50% of adults believe that a text message conversation is just as meaningful as a phone call.

4 Techniques for Success

Just like the guy in the screenshot above, many people are painfully unaware of how inept they are at holding a conversation.

But all is not lost.

The following four tips are going to take you from a conversation con-artist into a conversation connoisseur — and not a single one mentions eye contact, body language, or any of the usual bilge that people normally recommend.

1) Don’t multitask

I don’t care how productive you think you’re being.

If somebody is talking to you and you can’t stop writing an email for two minutes, you are sending a very clear message to that person which says, “I’m just not that interested in what you have to say.”

And if the email you’re sending really is that urgent, all it takes is a quick, “Sorry, let me just send this message quickly and you’ll have my full attention.”

Then put your phone/tablet somewhere out of sight and turn off your computer monitor. If that last part sounds like overkill, good. “Out of sight, out of mind” is a famous expression for a reason, it will help you to limit distractions in your quest to become a better conversationalist.

But multitasking is not just about technology.

How many times have you had a conversation with someone and you’ve caught yourself thinking about something else?

We’ve all got stuff going on, and it can be hard to shut it out sometimes. Maybe you’re preoccupied because you found out you didn’t get the promotion you wanted, or maybe your kid is struggling at school.

But when someone chooses to engage you in conversation, respect them by setting everything else aside and being fully invested in that conversation. Give them your undivided attention.

Be present at the moment.

2) Be curious

Bill Nye (yes, the Science Guy) once said, “Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” It doesn't matter if you consider yourself an expert, you should always assume you have something more to learn.

Asking questions will clarify your understanding, but also demonstrate you’re actually engaged and interested in what they have to say. Try to set aside your own opinions and consider things from the other person’s point of view.

But be sure to keep your questions open-ended. Asking somebody “How did that feel?” will elicit a much more in-depth, interesting response than simply asking a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question.

3) Don’t make it about you

Many of the experiences we go through as human beings are similar — we all will, at some point, deal with things like grief and heartbreak. But the fact you’ve already been through something doesn’t give you an excuse to make the conversation about you.

Imagine you were telling a coworker that your father had just passed away, only for them to bring up the time they lost one of their parents. How would that conversation make you feel?

A conversation is not a competition. Do not equate your experiences with those of other people, and do not assume that they are dealing with the same things you have. By all means, support them if they ask for it, but do not make it all about you.

4) Learn to listen

This one is by far the most important.

There are two elements to every conversation — speaking and listening.

Most people prefer the speaking part, simply because it’s so much easier. When speaking, we’re in control. We’re the centre of attention, the one who gets to decide where the conversation goes.

But listening — and I mean truly listening to somebody else — is actually really hard. It takes effort and energy. And most of us are painfully unaware of how poor we are at it.

Think about the last conversation you had. What were you thinking about as it unfolded? Were you actually listening to the words the other person was saying or was your brain busy formulating a response?

That’s what I thought.

Get out of your head and focus on the message that is communicated to you.

Don’t try to think of a response until after the other person has finished speaking.

If you need a moment or two to come up with your response, be honest. Your conversation partner will appreciate it — it shows you were truly listening to them and you’re actually thinking about what they said to you.

Takeaways

• Don’t multitask
• Be curious
• Don’t make it about you
• Learn to listen

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