Humor

Ridiculous Goals People My Age Shouldn’t Have

Yet, I intend to smash them

Advertising, Amazon, and my continuous desire to spend money on ridiculous material goods has struck again. Everything looks good on Amazon, right? Especially in winter, in pajamas, from the comfort of your own home.

With the vast selection of items available on Amazon, I could become a new me and never have to go outside. As our temperatures are bottoming out at -34C this week, that’s exactly what I intend to do this winter, all ridiculousness aside.

Gone are the days when I had dreams of being able to do a back flip on the street, just to wow bystanders. While it still sounds appealing I’m not willing to dedicate my life to it. That takes too much time.

But there are some physical goals I still wish to achieve, however I find myself wondering if I should even attempt them at this stage in life.

Let’s start with flexibility

I have always had a pretty decent amount of it, even before I started doing yoga. In fact, I could still do the splits well into my 30’s. Now I’m well into my 40’s and it’s not something I wish to attack without proper training, lest I snap in half.

But I want to smash this one. I want to drop down into splits when the urge arises, and wow the people in the streets.

Ridiculous? Maybe. Doable? I’m going to go with YES. So I ordered a stupid contraption from Amazon to help me along.

It’s a flexibility trainer you conveniently hang from any door in your home.

Her face was already blurred out, I didn’t do that. But I could cleverly Photoshop my face onto it and shout, “Mission accomplished!” in a couple of months.

This strap seems to be marketed mainly to gymnasts and ballerinas, but wouldn’t it be cool if some middle-aged broad slapped her picture up on Google, alongside her testimonial?

Or I could start a Youtube channel called “Grandma’s Gone Soft — The Journey of One Stretchable Senior.”

Stay tuned…it could be me.

However, if you don’t hear from me for three or more days, please send help. It means I’m awkwardly dangling from a door frame in my condo, and my cell phone is out of reach. I’m also probably starving to death. Or broken in half.

Let’s continue with extreme yoga

Simply put, I adore my yoga sessions each day. First, I do the yoga and then I do the things. In that order, because punching people is generally frowned upon.

But something is lacking from my practice. I’m not a real yogi until I’m able to do something completely berserk….such as invert.

But let’s face it, I can’t even do fish pose without feeling like I’m about to snap my neck. How is a neck supposed to support 170 pounds without crushing several vertebrae?

The quick answer? It doesn’t have to. I can be upside down all day with an inversion bench, and that’s what I intend to do with this get-up.

Wait a minute, is that the same girl in both pictures?

I’m not sure where my desire to invert comes from, besides a place of searching for inner peace. It just looks really calm and harmonious. This bench is said to improve core strength, so why not give it a try because quite frankly, I’m tired of planking.

I miss the good old days of doing monkey stands in the front yard when I was 8 years old.

When my inversion bench arrives, all I have to do is buy some flowy, white curtains (also available on Amazon) to hang across my pristine white living room, and VOILA! Inner peace.

This magnificent practice will also be broadcast on my Youtube channel. Mark my words.

While you may be laughing, I actually did order those items and I intend to use them as soon as they arrive.

Both the previous apparatus beautifully contrast the next piece of Amazon to enter my front door. The memory foam back and butt support padding I bought for my desk chair.

A writer isn’t truly a writer unless her chair looks like a professional piece of ergonometry. I made that word up but feel free to use it.

The support padding arrived today. My butt melted right into it and I’m no longer slouching. Nicely done, memory foam…nicely done!

Which one will win this winter? Sedentary or stalwart? You’ll have to subscribe to my Youtube channel to find out.

And finally, the fourth and probably most unattainable goal at my age…..

Getting young people to clean up

I didn’t just pull this one from thin air, I pulled it from current and ongoing frustration at work. I supervise a lot of Gen Z-ers and I don’t understand where their complete abandonment of the cleanliness gene disappeared to.

When we sit down for food breaks during the work day, their food lands everywhere BUT their plates. Aren’t they getting hungry missing their mouths so often?

How does one not notice spilled soup and crushed up crackers everywhere? Or if they do notice, how can they just walk away from it?

Is it their own lack of sanitary standards, or do their mothers always wipe it up for them? Why do they look at me like I have three heads when I hand them a spray bottle and a rag to clean up after themselves?

I don’t want to be their mother, I already did that job once and I’m over it. So I will continue in my crusade of creating a new generation of sanitary engineers, one spray bottle at a time.

This one will not be broadcast on my Youtube channel.

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