Rich People Tales —First World Problems
Vol. 1 Of An Extraordinary Journey of Self-Awareness
Hi, I’m very rich. But I don’t wanna waste even a second talking about my 10-figure net worth, my billion-dollar car collection, my diverse crypto portfolio, or the 27 different properties I own across Santa Clara county.
This may be a good medium for fake millionaires to influence the middle-class on how to get to the top of the food chain, but I don’t like helping others. Instead, I shall talk about the things that frustrate me the most — Here’s why I hate being so rich.
An apple a day
Not a reference to the fruit that blindsided Newton in the summer of 1666, rather, my beef is with the billion-dollar tech giant, Apple Inc.
So here it goes — I hate Apple. Not because of the exorbitant prices or the increase in phone length with the simultaneous decrease in usefulness, but my issue is with the abundance of child labour cases that the tech giant seemingly ignores. A lot has been said about the illegal sweatshops that range all around the Asian Pacific, but little has been done.
As someone who has the money and power to do something of good, my greed prevails over my selflessness. I will be desecrated across the billionaire circles I’m a part of, so I tend to tuck my tail between my legs and share my frustrations in exchange for a follow for follow comment and 2 minutes of member reading time.
I Hate The 4 Horsemen of Tech… But they’re all my pals
Due to my closeness with a certain billionaire founder of a social media platform — let’s call him Zuckerberger, I am forced to use his nonsensical ad-whore of an app.
Lying isn’t an option since he hacks into my personal data and sends me screenshots of my daily screen time – 180 minutes of daily usage is the minimum requirement to avoid unsolicited phishing attacks from people claiming to be the prince of Kenya.
I’m also part of a weekly billionaires poker table – I got invited because they had one slot open and “self-proclaimed billionaire writer who posts sub-par content twice a week” fit the bill.
But despite my ethical reasoning and prevailing morals, I do enjoy my weekly hang-out sessions with Zuckerberger, Yee-Haw Dust and the one who looks like Dr. Evil (I’ve used an alias to make their identities ambiguous). We have a good laugh about each other’s failed prenup attempts and deciding which stock to tank when the market opens, but my true feelings are far different.
I find their streaming services pathetic, their love for canine-themed digital assets concerning and their entry into the metaverse even more stupid than their company’s previous name.
What’s Next For Me?
The invasion of user data and the beratement of company employees was still something I managed to tolerate for a while, but naming one’s own baby after an unknown variable and a mathematical integer are simply the babblings of a mad man. That was my final tipping point.
Since we’re reaching the end of this piece, it’s time to show some character development and shamelessly set up a trilogy at the same time. Thus, I have decided to denounce my materialistic possessions and confront my billionaire friends at the next poker round-table (Coming Soon).
I’m signing off for now, until then please let me know if my upper-class jargon affected your reading experience in any way, this whole being self-aware and relatable phenomenon is still new for me.
Rich People Tales will return in Rich People Tales Vol. 2