Holiday Humour
Reviewing Rage! My Holidays From Hell!
Alright…who replaced my sun lotion with garlic mayo?!

As a heavily stressed Medium writer who puts out a maximum of 0.5 articles a week…holidays, vacations, sabbaticals, and spa weekends are always welcomed.
I often go for the most popular destinations as that’s where you see the most boob by the pool. However, these places have often left me feeling stressed, vulnerable, unsexy, and Mexican.
Luckily, many of these places are on Tripadvisor, and I can slag them off to my heart's content. I’m therefore warning many holidaygoers to stay miserable at home instead.
Let’s have a look at the places that pissed me off during my previous holiday breaks and how my reviews took these wannabe Disney Lands to the cleaners!
Holiday Review 1 — Funky Town

I’d heard a lot of good things about Funky Town.
Lipps Inc. made a song about it. Said song even appeared on Shrek 2 and that’s when they got properly famous.
This classic tune informed me that they could take me to Funky Town. I was later left extremely disgruntled to find that Lipps did not provide a taxi service to the town of Funky.
This was not the start I wanted to my long anticipated holiday!
I couldn’t find any means of arriving at Funky Town until a colourful gentleman smoking a funny cigarette outside the taxi rank said he could take me there. I was overjoyed! Finally a bit of help! All he wanted was £25 for his trouble.
Turns out Funky Town doesn’t even exist and the helpful man was a gigolo.
I’m now sitting in my living room not on holiday, possibly homosexual and I have a rash on my penis. Oh, and I’m £25 down!
I shall not (attempt to) holiday in Funky Town ever again!
Holiday Review 2 —Sea World

SeaWorld was a disaster from start to finish.
I turned up at your establishment to find out that you’d had a leak and all the water had gone so the shows were cancelled. Bloody fantastic!
I went to unwind at the bar and asked for water. You didn’t have any.
I decided to just get drunk and get on the beers. It’s my holiday so why not?!
I awoke to find myself in bed with a female prawn. I was so embarrassed. Suddenly the fish began filming me. I couldn’t believe it! She was a real life prawn star!
After escaping her clutches by running downstairs naked I was rugby tackled by SeaWorld staff as they thought I was a big Shark who’d escaped. I will be filing a lawsuit because I scraped my elbow and it hurt like hell.
All in all…I hate you! You aqua arseholes!
Holiday Review 3 — Area 51

Of all my failed vacations…this one takes the alien biscuit!
I was informed on “the Facebooks” that there was a massive party happening at some place called Area 51. This sounded like the perfect place for a party holiday and to maybe meet some hot people over 50.
Upon arriving at the venue there was a bright light from above which really hurt my eyes. I was not best pleased!
I got out of my car to investigate and found myself being beamed up into a UFO! I stated before I arrived I was not keen on heights so this ruined my vacation experience further!
Once onboard, the aliens strapped me to a table and started to probe my buttocks with various sticks with bells on. I was afraid, vulnerable, and only slightly aroused.
The aliens made strange noises like an elderly lady with no teeth playing the flute. One alien wearing a “Who Farted” T-Shirt — I think he was the leader — put on a film. I was upside down but it looked like the movie Predator. I saw my chance and freed myself with a nearby arse probe.
I ran towards an emergency space pod and launched myself back to Earth.
Upon my return, the CIA prodded me with more anal probes and eventually let me leave after 48 hours.
I have never been so embarrassed and humiliated on a so-called “vacation” in my life! The only good thing about this trip was all the anal probing which I’d not experienced before but I secretly kind of liked.
Also, the weather wasn’t great in Space either so that ruined the mood.
Homecoming

Thanks for reading my reviews and hopefully this will put you off ever trying to holiday at these horror destinations!
I’m off to go put more cream on my bottom as it’s still rather sore.
Toodle pip.
AR out ❤
There’s no dust around when Shirley Laffa is about!