Revenge won’t give the resolution you need.

When someone has disdained you in some way, what is your initial response? Is it to let it go or lash out in anger and seek retribution? As much as we try to take on this “moral upper hand” approach to control others, is it truly for your betterment or your satisfaction?

So where does this desire for revenge come from and why is an emotional response towards feelings of anger? Revenge stems from the ego — an innate desire to assert superiority over others. It is a means to enter a power struggle, driven by the need to feed our sense of entitlement and satisfy our selfish desires. We naively believe that inflicting harm or hurt on the other is justified because of a false belief in our moral righteousness compared to our perceived enemy.

This vengeful pursuit of ego-driven decisions is counterproductive to the real issue and it perpetuates this cycle of conflict and resentment. Rather than solving the underlying issues, it brings more pain and harm to oneself from all this harbored resentment and malice. Revenge, in its literal way, is the desire for the other person to submit to our once inferior or vulnerable position in hopes that they show remorse for their actions. But whether they do feel an ounce of genuine remorse shouldn’t concern you at all because how do you know for sure? Will it finally give you the resolution or closure that you need?

Forgiveness, on the other hand, is not just an act of generosity towards another but also a gift to oneself first and foremost. It is a choice to let go of resentment and the desire for revenge, freeing oneself from the burden of anger and negativity. In other words, you don’t need the explanation of another for something that they have caused you. You don’t need an apology or for them to show remorse for you to heal from this pain or trauma.

You cannot let the state of your mind and well-being be dependent on what others do or what others choose to not do because these external factors are not within your control. What is within your control is your ability to forgive yourself, forgive the perpetrator, and learn from that event through compassion. By shifting our thoughts from external circumstances to our thoughts, we can reclaim our agency and find comfort in knowing that we can indeed, control how we react toward people and challenges.

Whether we choose to reconcile with the person who has caused us is a separate matter but what we can do is to take on a more empathetic approach. Realize whether what they have caused is in retaliation to your actions and whether it goes against your value system. If so, make peace with the situation and the person. If not, we should learn to separate the action from the person and learn to not take things personally. We should not dwell on the mistakes of others because to do so is to justify or rationalize the baggage of others.

Ego is our worst enemy and we mustn’t let it cloud or delude our judgments. Instead, try a more compassionate approach as we try to heal from our past traumas. Vengeance only hardens your heart adding more heaviness than there needs to be. It won’t be an easy process and it does take time to cultivate, but once we do try to forgive for our betterment, we slowly get free of the shackles of this burden. As once Marcus Aurelius once famously said,” The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”