Revenge Bedtime Procrastination Is Killing Me

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Abstract

3:00 am.</p><p id="baab">This week I’ve genuinely tried to go to bed sooner. 1:00 am. You know, baby steps.</p><p id="3ff6">That results in me laying there, using every meditation and self-soothing trick in the book to fall asleep. Last night was the final straw. I’m writing this at 6:30 am because I was unable to sleep at all. I crawled out of bed over an hour ago when my Amazon Fresh delivery arrived, captured by the Ring doorbell, which sent a buzz to my phone, which was my cue to say “fuck it” and get out of bed to put the food in the fridge.</p><p id="c865">I can’t sustain this. Something has to change. Then again, I’ve said that about <i>everything</i> in my life during this pandemic.</p><p id="0c73">I think the toll of pushing this divorce boulder up a hill by myself is what’s killing my sleep. Ironically, I want a divorce from someone who gave me little help and now I’m still stuck doing all the work to make this happen.</p><p id="ccf9">Trying to go to sleep earlier isn’t helping.</p><p id="80fb">Avoiding naps isn’t helping either.</p><p id="49cf">Here are the steps that I’m vowing to try for the rest of the month in the hope I can get my beloved sleep back on track:</p><ol><li>I found a new therapist. Given my lack of privacy, I’ve been using BetterHelp.com. Unfortunately, the therapist I was using had to bail out due to family Covid issues and I struggled to find someone that I liked. Since it’s covered under my work’s healthcare, I found someone new to address my stress.</li><li>I’m still going to force myself to go to bed sooner. Laying there sucks but it’s the only thing that gives me a chance to fall asleep compared to puttering around the house with the lights on.</li><li>Research melatonin and insomnia. I have a few bottles meant for the kids (<i>yes, our pediatrician said it was fine</i>) but they pass out easily now on their own. I have to get my circadian rhythm back on track, even if I temporarily have to medicate to make it happen.</li><li>Stick to a set workout time. It’s been unbelievably hard to squeeze in exercise. It’s been almost a week and I can feel the effects of not having that energy outlet. Time to make myself accountable through my little workout friend group.</li><li>Create weekly <a href="https://readmedium.com/living-together-while-separated-is-surprisingly-worse-than-you-think-64ed97690314">Operation: Divorce</a> tasks. Maybe if I feel lik

Options

e I’m making progress, even if it’s chipping away at a brick wall with a butter knife, I won’t feel as stuck.</li><li>Get outside. It’s unbelievable how little I go outside. I didn’t actively hang outside before Covid life but even getting in the car to drive to work or grabbing lunch with friends got me a few hits of vitamin D. When my kids were born, I walked with them every day to get them used to proper daytime and nighttime hours. Time to treat me like a baby.</li></ol><p id="4af7">As expected, I completely passed out this morning and took a three-hour nap. Starting tonight, I’m committing to following my own rules. The only victim of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination is me.</p><div id="2955" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/demand-all-of-their-heart-49ff1c8cfe9"> <div> <div> <h2>Demand All of Their Heart</h2> <div><h3>Don’t settle for sharing. Ever.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*cK7dyQquFdYjiuRLCf26-g.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6ccf" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-word-is-your-compass-7b2ecc852e7d"> <div> <div> <h2>What Word Is Your Compass?</h2> <div><h3>How you envision 2021.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*oWztxOGEWHdcL-lf)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1e81" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-instant-pot-and-air-fryer-did-not-change-my-life-c8a308f44d32"> <div> <div> <h2>My Instant Pot and Air Fryer Did NOT Change My Life</h2> <div><h3>This is bullshit.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*NQARXMQqNQE38swAB9h35w.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Oh sleep, I miss you baby

Ever since March 2020 (that wee little thing we call Covid), my sleeping habits slowly morphed for the worse.

I used to fall asleep so easily. I could nap all day and still pass out at night.

With my kids being at home 24/7, that meant I had the triple duty of being a working mom, a caretaker, and a teacher. That left no time for anything until when they went to bed.

Let’s rephrase: that left no time for me until they went to bed.

Cue “Revenge Bedtime Procrastination”:

…a phenomenon in which people who don’t have much control over their daytime life refuse to sleep early in order to regain some sense of freedom during late night hours

Health.com

I’m the poster child for someone with no control over her life. It’s taken me months just to get my husband to agree to a divorce and he’s still clinging to the hope that it will work out. I can’t move out because there is absolutely no inventory to buy or even rent; we’re trapped in the same house until at least the end of summer or fall. My kids are around me constantly and I have extreme Mom Guilt for their iPad time when they’re desperate for socialization.

Despite all that, I powered through as best I could (by bitching every other day on Medium). I didn’t realize how bad my sleep habits had gotten until I looked at my Fitbit sleep stats: my average bedtime is 3:00 am.

This week I’ve genuinely tried to go to bed sooner. 1:00 am. You know, baby steps.

That results in me laying there, using every meditation and self-soothing trick in the book to fall asleep. Last night was the final straw. I’m writing this at 6:30 am because I was unable to sleep at all. I crawled out of bed over an hour ago when my Amazon Fresh delivery arrived, captured by the Ring doorbell, which sent a buzz to my phone, which was my cue to say “fuck it” and get out of bed to put the food in the fridge.

I can’t sustain this. Something has to change. Then again, I’ve said that about everything in my life during this pandemic.

I think the toll of pushing this divorce boulder up a hill by myself is what’s killing my sleep. Ironically, I want a divorce from someone who gave me little help and now I’m still stuck doing all the work to make this happen.

Trying to go to sleep earlier isn’t helping.

Avoiding naps isn’t helping either.

Here are the steps that I’m vowing to try for the rest of the month in the hope I can get my beloved sleep back on track:

I found a new therapist. Given my lack of privacy, I’ve been using BetterHelp.com. Unfortunately, the therapist I was using had to bail out due to family Covid issues and I struggled to find someone that I liked. Since it’s covered under my work’s healthcare, I found someone new to address my stress.

I’m still going to force myself to go to bed sooner. Laying there sucks but it’s the only thing that gives me a chance to fall asleep compared to puttering around the house with the lights on.

Research melatonin and insomnia. I have a few bottles meant for the kids (yes, our pediatrician said it was fine) but they pass out easily now on their own. I have to get my circadian rhythm back on track, even if I temporarily have to medicate to make it happen.

Stick to a set workout time. It’s been unbelievably hard to squeeze in exercise. It’s been almost a week and I can feel the effects of not having that energy outlet. Time to make myself accountable through my little workout friend group.

Create weekly Operation: Divorce tasks. Maybe if I feel like I’m making progress, even if it’s chipping away at a brick wall with a butter knife, I won’t feel as stuck.

Get outside. It’s unbelievable how little I go outside. I didn’t actively hang outside before Covid life but even getting in the car to drive to work or grabbing lunch with friends got me a few hits of vitamin D. When my kids were born, I walked with them every day to get them used to proper daytime and nighttime hours. Time to treat me like a baby.

As expected, I completely passed out this morning and took a three-hour nap. Starting tonight, I’m committing to following my own rules. The only victim of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination is me.