Revealing My Darkest Secret, Why Do I Feel Like an Imposter?
Before I began writing this article, I honestly thought I was the only person that felt the way I feel. It only took a few minutes of searching to discover that imposter syndrome is a real thing. There are books, articles, and studies all confirming the validity of my most guarded secret.
I have had more jobs than anyone I have met in my life. Everywhere I work I am always mindful to share only some tidbits of my past jobs, and yet still I always end up known as ‘Dave, the guy who has done everything’.
I justify that statement by telling co-workers it just appears that way because I have over four decades of work behind me. The truth is much darker than that. I have been searching my whole life for a job that I did not feel like an imposter at.
The military was the only job I had where I accomplished that goal. On my desk is an Army commendation that states ‘his attitude has consistently been excellent and I rate him as absolutely the best forward observer’. I am not one to brag, but I believe that I was the best forward observer in the US army at the height of the Cold War. My services were personally requested by many different Commanders.
When I got out of the Army, my head was full of dreams, such as becoming a surgeon or a biomedical research scientist. I was working and attending college as a biology major. I had also started a family and required financial assistance despite holding a full-time job. In the end, I was too prideful and decided the proper thing to do would be to work as a blue-collar guy and support my family.
I’ve framed homes, worked security, climbed the steel of bridges, delivered produce, driven semi-trucks, delivered telephone books in Beverly Hills, repaired televisions and VCRs’, been a tech support guy, made expansion joints for roads, drove concrete trucks, installed cable, installed satellite dishes, stocked grocery store shelves, worked in a few different hardware stores, remodeled motels, installed prefabricated pharmacies for K-Mart stores, wrote content for a web developer, installed surveillance systems in casinos’, worked as a senior surveillance agent, did armed security at a bus station, and drove for Lyft, my current job.
I have also worked in a few medical labs, been a phlebotomist, and served as a medic for youth basketball camps. In hindsight, it isn’t the ‘important’ jobs that I remember so much as being broke and delivering phone books, I actually did that twice in my life.
I have successfully avoided becoming too close to anyone in my life. The few exceptions to this, such as wives, I would say, ‘I simply love to learn and then become bored once I learn a job and move on to other new endeavors.’ Underneath those excuses for changing directions like the wind is the truth.
When people tell me how intelligent I am, how invaluable I am, and what an outstanding employee I am, I do not believe them. I do not feel as though I am doing anything more than fooling them. I am not, nor will I ever be, the smartest guy in any given profession. At my age, I have to make my peace with that and just enjoy what life I have left.
As a Lyft driver, I believe my fares when they tell me ‘You are the best Lyft driver I have ever had’. I am proud of my communication skills but, in peeling back the onion another layer, I really wish I had known feeling like a fraud and doubting your own abilities is a real syndrome that many of us hide.
If you doubt yourself in any endeavor, be realistic but also make sure that it is not Imposter Syndrome that is holding you back. There are books, videos, articles, and help everywhere on this subject.
I understood as a new writer that feeling like an imposter was normal but I had no idea that this syndrome had actually shaped my entire working life.
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