Resumes For Rambos: A Teacher’s Guide

Summary

The article satirically suggests that teachers should prioritize gun skills over educational qualifications and experience.

Abstract

The article titled "Resumes For Rambos: A Teacher’s Guide" is a satirical commentary on the gun culture in the United States, particularly in the context of school shootings. It humorously suggests that teachers applying for jobs should emphasize their gun skills rather than their educational background, teaching experience, or pedagogical philosophy. The article lists several "wrong" and "right" examples of resume statements, contrasting traditional educational qualifications with gun-related skills and affiliations. The author implies that schools are more interested in teachers' ability to use guns than their ability to educate students.

Opinions

The article satirically criticizes the emphasis on gun culture over education in the U.S.
It suggests that teachers' colleges should focus more on teaching gun skills than teaching methods or subject matter.
The author humorously implies that teachers who are skilled with guns are more desirable than those with extensive teaching experience or educational background.
The article satirically suggests that teachers should be prepared to shoot their own students in the event of a school shooting.
The author humorously implies that the National Education Association (NEA) is less important than the National Rifle Association (NRA) in the context of teaching jobs.
The article suggests that physical fitness and military background are more important for teachers than educational qualifications or teaching experience.
The author humorously implies that social studies, and perhaps education in general, is not as important as gun skills.

Guns over books!

So you’re re-working your resume to look for a teaching job? Don’t make the mistake of only talking about your education, experience and your philosophy of teaching!

What we really want to know is:

What kind of a shot are you?

How often do you visit a shooting range?

Are you an NRA member?

What kind of gun do you carry?

Most importantly: Are you comfortable gunning down a teenager you may have taught algebra to just a year or so ago?

Teachers’ colleges need to get with the program. All this emphasis on subject matter and psychology of teaching styles is so pre-Columbine.

What good is your thorough understanding of how to teach reading through phonics if you can’t hit a target at 20 paces?

Here are some common mistakes we see applicants make when applying for teaching jobs:

Right:

I am a member of the NRA — The National Rifle Association — because I believe in the power of guns to end lives.

That should clear that up! But let’s not get ahead of themselves. Have you honestly considered whether you’re teaching material?

Are you a petite 50-something lady with decades of accolades for your passionate teaching of social studies? Let’s face it: You aren’t really what schools need. Frankly, it’s hard to imagine you coming out on top in a gunfight with a 17-year-old young man raised in a family passionate about open carry.

We’d prefer a very fit 20-something ex-military man, even if he never attended college. He’ll figure social studies out somehow. Probably. (Who knows what social studies even is, honestly? It can’t be that important.)

Children — at least the ones who survive school — are our future! So it’s important we provide them with the very best education gun enthusiasts can give them.

EDUCATION

Resumes For Rambos: A Teacher’s Guide

Guns over books!

Wrong:

Right:

Wrong:

Right:

Wrong:

Right:

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