THE KIDS ARE ALT-RIGHT

Republican Also-Rans Looking Forward to Next Pointless Debate

Candidates unembarrassed by the futility of the exercise

Following two Trumpless debates for the 2024 GOP Presidential nomination, the top-ranked candidates — all of whom have zero chance of defeating Donald Trump in the primaries — expressed excitement about the next contest scheduled for November 8, and about their White House prospects.

Former VP Mike Pence: “These debates really let me showcase my wit and charisma, plus they’ll solidify my status as the top bar-trivia contest question in the Politics category. Mother is so proud.”

Wealthy investor and tiresome gadfly Vivek Ramaswamy: “Obviously I have no idea what I’m talking about but just showing up on this stage will get me a two million dollar advance on my next book. Go woke, go broke, everyone!”

“Frontrunner” Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida, currently polling 42 points behind former President Trump: “The debates matter because I still have a good shot at this thing. I’m just like Trump, except unindicted and everybody hates me.”

Former Governor of South Carolina and woman, Nikki Haley: “Did y’all hear when I said Vivek was stupid? Even The New York Times thought it was the best line of the show. I’ve got the kind of momentum that could make me Trump’s VP, especially since I started hedging my bets on whether the 2020 election was stolen. That wouldn’t be the worst experience a woman could have, probably, and more importantly, the dude is seventy-seven and only eats Big Macs so — do the math.”

Former Governor of New Jersey and former Trump ally Chris Christie: “I’ll win because I have the balls to criticize Donald Trump, whom I called “Donald Duck” since he’s “ducking” the debates. And because I’m hilarious. It would, however, be unfair to mention his life-long history of lies, corruption and incompetence. Honesty, integrity, and selflessness aren’t qualities that Republicans want in a President anyway.”

Tim Scott, Senator from South Carolina: “My leadership skills really came through when I nailed Nikki about spending too much money on curtains, except I was wrong. As the first Black Republican President, I would bring more Black Americans into the GOP while still working to suppress their votes.”

Doug Burgum, Governor of North Dakota: “I’m not going to be President but this is a hell of a brand-building exercise. Trump 2024! And don’t forget, that’s Burgum, B-U-R-G-U-M. If you can’t beat ’em, Burgum!”