Repeating a Pattern of Dysfunctional Lovers?

Choosing Partners to do Your Self-Esteem Dirty Work and How to Break the Cycle

Despite the gender bias within this common phrase, let me be very clear; I’m talking about relationship dynamics encompassing all gender identification.

Let’s be honest, how many times have you walked away from a good-hearted partner because they were “too nice”? Where their only crime was the absence of tumultuous drama. Maybe you told yourself there was “just something missing”? Your next move was the excitement of an unreliable lover and the allure of attempting to be “the one” they finally treat with respect.

We’re going to examine this very carefully, with searing honesty, not just for the purpose of self-reflection but also to examine the myth that exists, that “women love a bad boy”. We’ll also talk about how passive-aggressive it is to live our lives setting someone else up to do our own dirty work; the work of self-esteem sabotage.

Too harsh? Not in the least. These words come to you with no judgment, they are born from experience. At fifty-two, I’ve lived and occasionally loved my way through dysfunctional relationships. I have many scars that trace this narrative and the most effective healing came from understanding that the common denominator was me. This healing was facilitated by Conscious Journaling.

By writing this article I am not excusing emotional or physical abuse within any relationship. I am absolutely not attempting to transfer blame from abuser to victim. I am talking of relationship patterns where you hand your power, your self-esteem, over to someone else. A relationship where it is not an even balance of affection, constantly finding yourself receiving mixed messages, where your partner is emotionally unavailable, obtuse, and guarded. By subconsciously positioning our chosen partner to fulfill the role of keeping our self-esteem at rock bottom, we are assigning them a role that is our responsibility. No relationship should be responsible for our self-worth, that’s singularly our job. If we make life choices that either chip away at our sense of self or maintain its low standing, that is our doing. That is our choice.

The “Why” By choosing a relationship to do this work for us, we are engaging in a dangerous strategy. This decision slips our partner in between us and our self-value, and by handing over the reins we can sit back and externalise the process of self-sabotage. We now have someone else to blame. We no longer need to look in the mirror and see the face of our saboteur, we’ve transferred that responsibility. It is easier to bemoan their actions than accept the fact we are passively our own aggressors.

Let’s look at what purpose this serves. It maintains the narrative that we are a victim of all these mean people that have put us down through life, and don’t allow us to fulfill our potential. I gently offer you the fact that, in truth, we have become those mean people, towards ourselves. By choosing “the bad boy/girl/person” we are being unkind and lying to ourselves in the process. We are proclaiming we deserve no better. We are constructing our own limitations. We are providing an excuse for not fulfilling our true potential. We are hiding.

Let us also address the “drama junkie” issue. I grew up learning to read cues as to the emotional status of my parents. Plain talking was not the way of things. It became a dance of educated guesswork. There were constant highs and lows and this mirrors the journey of addiction. In my earlier years, by choosing relationships that mirrored this emotional drama, I could still get my fix, remain in familiar territory, and collude in maintaining my low self-worth. This can be where the “but they’re just too nice” becomes an integral part of our relationship narrative. They are not providing us with our fix of adrenaline. Our choice is to decide if we are worth more, if we want more, if we are going to finally choose a functional relationship. The fear can often be that we simply don’t know what a functional relationship looks like.

Conscious Journaling Can Seriously Help The first step of discovery is to meet our demons. We need to address our issues of self-value and take responsibility for them, thus removing them from the arena of our relationships and placing them back where they belong; in our own hands. We also need to foster a relationship of kindness towards ourselves. How could I trust myself when I kept forming relationships with people who treated me so badly? Conscious Journaling can be your greatest friend and mentor on this journey, specifically, The Relationship Journal.

I have developed some precepts for my method of journaling. While doing this exercise, it is important to kick your judgement out the window and invite in your kindness and care. Try to view yourself as you would your best friend. If they came and spoke to you with the words you are going to journal, you would offer a safe, confidential space for them to explore their feelings. You would not judge. I urge you to extend the same kindness towards yourself. Also, you need to commit to honesty. You need to create your own space for your most challenging truths. This process alone is incredibly important in improving the relationship with yourself.

The Relationship Journal * Having found yourself and your journal a quiet space where you will not be disturbed, take a moment to mindfully connect to your breath. * Allow your eyes to gently close and direct your attention towards your breath. How does it feel? Where in your body can your sense your breath? Thoughts may crash in on the party but no matter, simply invite them to move on their way, investing no energy into them. * When you feel ready, lay your palms on top of each other and place them on your heart chakra. As you breathe, allow a sense of connection to this loving heart space and repeat “I journal with kindness and acceptance”. This can be out loud or to yourself. * When you feel ready, open your eyes and journal with the following prompts.

Prompts * Make a list of all your relationships. The list format of journaling is a great way to keep your entry succinct and functional. Then arrange these in chronological order. Next, add the reason you were attracted to this person and who ended things, and why. * What were the challenges of each relationship? What did you enjoy? * Next, fill in time when you were completely single. * Finally, were there periods of one-night stands? Add those too, while remembering, your role is not to judge, simply connect to the truth and write it down.

You can really take your time with this. Depending on your age and experience, this may take more than one journaling session. It also might feel quite overwhelming, so give yourself permission to do as much as you feel comfortable with. Self-care through self-calibration is an extremely important element of conscious journaling and your duty of care to yourself.

I Have My List, Now What? Once you have created your chronological account of your relationships, now is the time for the “read back”. This is a vital part of the process.

When writing in your journal, think of this as you speaking to yourself. The reading back of your words is you listening to them.

Reading your journal will begin to illuminate any patterns of behaviour and choices you have made in your relationship history. This is gold dust. This is information you can really work with in order to give yourself the option of taking a different path going forward. Journal your response to the read-back. * How does it make me feel? * What patterns can I now see from my relationship history? * Why did I make those choices? * What did I gain from making those choices? What was in it for me? * Do I still want those things? * I deserve to make healthier relationship choices because….

As with many of the themes within conscious journaling, this is not a one-time gig! You can return to these prompts and this journal as often as you feel compelled to do so. The work is ongoing. If you decide to make new choices within a relationship, it may take some getting used to. Journal your experience so you can keep connected to your truth, rather than playing out old patterns.

As with any self-sabotaging behaviour, it takes a great deal of time and energy to construct a reality from the illusion that we are not worthy of functional relationships. It’s exhausting. I speak from experience when I say that once in a healthy relationship, all that energy can be applied to something far more of value to you, far more worthy of you.

Believe me, you really are worth it. We cannot rewrite our past but we can journal its truth and change our future narrative.

Michele Grieve @Page_soul