BREAKING NEWS | SPEEDY HERALD | MASH-UP RESPONSE | BREAKING NEWS
Renown Hero Dies in Bar Fight
The Speedy Herald Informs
Krakenburg, On the Fifth Day, also known as Shackles Day, of the Fourth Month, also known as Cursed Moon. After a tragic string of events, Krakenburg mourns its most famous hero: Duncan McDrunkenMaster. The fearless master of the martial arts met his unexpected and unfortunate end in mortal combat on the Fourth Day, also known as Lightbringer Day, of the Cursed Moon. The tragedy that led to Duncan McDrunkenMaster’s death also destroyed Krakenburg’s most famous tavern, Happy’s Cup of Misery.
The Krakenburg Gazette’s Speedy Herald, always faster than the city’s gossipers at the central market’s fountain, was the first to arrive at the scene. And it was a most horrific one, we must say. Once the Speedy Herald had dismounted his trusty horse, Newsbringer, he was baffled by the sight of the shared wooden pillars and piles of ash that once constituted Happy’s Cup of Misery. With charm and guile, the Speedy Herald convinced a guard employed by the local city watch, who happened to be covered entirely in a vile green, odourful slime, to tell his accounts of what unfolded.
“I was just showing up in the tavern after a tough day on the watch,” said the guard Taunos, “when everything unfolded.” Asked what specifically unfolded, Taunos elaborated, “I was carrying a freshly ironed and folded watch uniform, which I intended to wear instead of this smelly, slime-covered one. But first, after that tough day on the watch, I wanted a tankard of ale. So I’m standing there, holding a tankard of ale in my right and the tightly folded, wrapped and bond bundle containing the uniform in my left when I hear someone say ….”
“‘Oi, Taunos! What’ya doin’, man?’ someone calls me out. Surprised, I turn around and see that tall Half-Orc staring at me, wrinkling his nose. First, I think, ‘Oh. That dude looks like trouble.’ But then, I realised it was my mate Giles from primary school. So I say, ‘Hey, Giles. Howjudoin’!” And he says, ‘Damn, man. You smell disgusting. Did you know there’s no queue at the city’s pool? Go there and wash yourself!’”
Asked what this boring tale had to do with Duncan McDrunkenMaster’s death, Taunos explained that he had no idea. The Krakenburg Gazette told him off and refused to pay his bill for the bath. A heavily drunk and possibly unreliable eyewitness explained that Duncan McDrunkenMaster and his identical twin swaggered into the tavern just after Taunos and his identical twin exited. The identical twin guards’ smell distracted Duncan McDrunkenMaster and his identical twin, who subsequently and accidentally bumped into the two identical twin Half-Orcs. The angered Half-Orcs, at least one of them was named Giles, retaliated quickly by smashing a bottle over Duncan McDrunkenMaster’s and his identical twin’s heads.
Although surprised, the master of the martial arts and his identical twin retaliated against the identical twin Half-Orcs with a flurry of blows and kicks, sending them flying into the tavern’s alchemista, a specialist for fancy, overpriced alchemical beverages and potions … as well as his identical twin brother.
Both brothers, so the heavily drunk and possibly not entirely reliable eyewitness explained, slammed against the bar counter, accidentally throwing two identically-looking potions they were holding high into the air. Said potions, served in identically-looking, old rusty helmets, tumbled and whirled until they spilt their ingredients at two cursed, identical twin warlocks and two incredibly pissed-off-looking, identical twin barbarians sipping a new local beverage known as “The Latest Rage”.
Nobody, not even the cursed, identical twin warlocks, foresaw the chaos that would unfold and doom poor Duncan McDrunkenMaster. As it happened, the identical twin alchemists held a truth potion created with the rare Seed of Full Potential (see the third bottle from the top right shelf on the picture above). The Truth Potion of Full Potential thus revealed the full potential of The Latest Rage, thus throwing the barbarian into a rage that was never witnessed before.
According to more reliable eyewitnesses, the angered warlock jumped at Duncan McDrunkenMaster (nobody could say what happened to his or any other twin), called him a “dastardly, mannerless vagrant!” and slapped him in the face with his glove. The warlock, cursed to “always do the wrong [redacted] at the right time”, was unaware he was holding the Merciless Glove of Slapping Sobriety. Within the blink of an eye, Duncan McDrunkenMaster, who happened to catch a drop of the Truth Potion of Full Potential, was sober for the first time in 30 years.
Stripped of his drunken master superpowers, the beloved hero could not evade a pool cue aimed directly at his heart by the incredibly pissed-off-looking barbarian. Thus ended the legend of Duncan McDrunkenMaster, a hero of the people … as well as breweries and distilleries. The magical sobriety didn’t alter the extremely high residue levels of alcohol in the hero’s blood, thus leading to the second phase of the tragedy. When the pool cue penetrated the Duncan McDrunkenMaster’s chest, it produced enough heat to ignite the hero’s body immediately, which led to the fire that destroyed Krakenburg’s most famous tavern.
The owner of Happy’s Cup of Misery, Happy Golaki, told the Speedy Herald, “I will rebuild my tavern because I don’t know where else to feel miserable about this turn of events! It will be smaller and uglier than before, so all the guests feel miserable too. Further, I promise to clear all drinking vessels, like rusty helmets, toilet bowls, or dragon skulls, with an extra load of my spit and a dirty towel! It might make you feel miserable knowing I have used clean water before. Ha!”
Sadly, the Krakenburg Gazette could not clarify what event on this “tough day on the watch” caused the guardsman Taunos to be covered in the disgusting, smelly slime, nor when his tightly folded bundle unfolded. Also unknown are the whereabouts of the unprecedented number of identical twins, slime-covered or not, seen at the scene.
Breaking News
Local Hero Has Giant Trouble by Speedy Herald JF Danskin
About The Kraken News — Writing Prompt by Bradan Writes Stories
This is a response to Jonathon Sawyer’s Monday Mash-Up №30. My gratitude goes to the Truth Potion of Full Potential, which allowed me to integrate all prompts and constraints into my story.
Promot #1: Your hero is drunk! (2 points)
Prompt #2: Your hero drinks a potion, but it doesn’t have the intended effect!
covered in a way (2 points)
Constraint: Start a bar fight! (1 point)
Constraint: Somebody doesn’t pay the bill! (1 point)
Constraint: A pool cue (or a pool queue?) (1 point)
Constraint: An unsanitary beverage container (a boot, the toilet, ect) (1 point)
Constraint: Start a fire 🔥 (1 point)
Constraint: Use a fantastic ingredient selected from the image above
(tell me what it is!) (1 point)
Hardcore Constraint: Smash a bottle over someone’s head! (2 points)
Hardcore Constraint: Sober up with a slap to the face! (2 points)
Literary Device: Taunos tells a story within the story (5 points)
Tally 1 point
Sum: 20 points💯 Story Challenge — News Edition (92/100)
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