Releasing your Exes

Just like buttholes, we all have them

Unless you are one of those weirdos who married your high school sweetheart and lived happily ever after, we all have them: Exes.

And if you are anything like me, you may, in fact, have several. But, as we know, they are not all the same.

The many flavors of Exes

💔 There are the ones who we barely remember — fleeting dalliances who never quite lit our spark. Maybe we went on a few dates because our moms set us up; or met each other online but it didn’t take long to realize they were using internet dating as a vending machine for sex; or we could never quite get over the fact that their eyes were too close together or they kept texting their “mom” during dinner.

💔 There are those exes who formed part of who we are today. Who provided friendship, stability, compassion, distraction, or purpose during the times in our lives when we needed a steady companion. The ones who were by our side when we went off to college or out in the real world for the first time. The ones whose arms we fell into when we were reeling from a broken heart or stepping into the unknown. The ones who we still called, long after we had gone our separate ways, because we knew they would answer. Who we owe our taste in music to, or our love for sushi, or our hidden talent for swing dancing. Who we grew up with.

💔 Then there are the ones who, though they passed through our lives quickly, left a scar on our hearts like hot cigarette ash on a couch cushion. These are the ones we fell for immediately, yearning for their presence with our tender hearts and aching loins; who we spent three delirious days and nights with in France or Hawaii or Myrtle Beach; who we blindly poured our innocent quivering hearts into with that first kiss; whose aloof apathy or lack of permanent address made them that much more desirable; whose fleeting impact was so penetrating that we may never quite scrub out the stain they left on our souls.

💔 There are those exes who shook us down for all we were worth. The ones who sucked the marrow from our bones; who left us whimpering, alone, in the throes of their poison. Who were gone one day when we lifted our heads, only to find ourselves surrounded by shattered pieces of lives and an ocean to drown in. Who take up our mind space with the wonderings and the why’s; whose vanishing act made us turn our resentment inward, searching our own precious selves for the flaw, the pitfall, the lacking, that must have made them leave. These are the ones who made us smaller and writhing. They plowed us down like hurricanes or semi-trucks and left us to peel our soft bodies off the pavement and reassemble the shards of our self-worth.

💔 And finally there are those who we could never quite escape, like a recurring nightmare, like a maze of mirrors, like a rogue hair on the chin, like a cockroach. Who boomeranged back to us time and time again, never willing to let us go. They stayed like a cancer, even after the love had gone dark and we had drained each other of happiness. Yet we always found a reason — self-deprecation or laziness or fear — to take them back, despite the niggling voice in our hearts begging us to lock the door and run.

Take a self-inventory

Do you still struggle with feelings of self-doubt or codependence that they saddled you with? Were they quick to anger so you held your tongue? Did they take charge so you learned to remain passive? Were they so lazy that you became overly independent? Are you still tempering your passions because they couldn’t handle all of you? Are you still wearing heels when your feet hurt because that’s what turned them on?

Sit with yourself for a moment and feel into your body. How are you still hanging on to your Exes?

Perhaps you are still letting them live rent-free in your mind. Are you still bothered the Why’s and What-if’s? Do you still check their social media feed or drive past their house? Are you hanging on to resentment or blame? Do you still feel responsible for their successes or failures?

Deep down we know if we are allowing our Exes to continue to exert power over our lives. Be honest with yourself: How are you letting them hold you back long after they are gone?

Which of your Exes do you still need to release?

Setting yourself free

Spoiler alert: This isn’t a “How-to” post!

I don’t claim to know the answers. I have been married for nearly 9 years to a man who has proven to be my soulmate. But I am 44… and so I also have a lot of Exes.

For me, the release is writing. When I discover that I am still acting out a remnant of self-doubt or resentment leftover from the sour energy of an Ex, I write about it. When I settle into an acceptance or gratitude from the lessons of a past relationship, I write about it. As the words flow, I reclaim ownership over that residue inside, like scar tissue enclosing itself around pieces of shrapnel.

They are out there, these Exes — haunting our past, or maybe still swimming around in the shallows of our present. But they no longer need to be a part of our continuing journeys.

Even if they must remain in our lives because of children or friends in common, we don’t have to allow their residual influence on our being.

Their time of influence is up; allowing them clout in our lives no longer serves us. It is time to reclaim our heart-space and mind-space so that we may grow unencumbered.