Relax In Our Fragile Airbnb
Just don’t touch any of our expensive, easily broken decor
Namaste and aloha. We are Dylan Stratocaster and Marlowe Lovebreeze, the suspiciously attractive owners of Olocan, the vaguely indigenous-sounding name of our rental property in Joshua Tree, California.
Now that you’re here, it’s time to relax. Smell the air. Breathe the sun. Pick the dust from your teeth. You are about to experience the unique solitude of the California desert, with only the cactus, the wind, and the other hastily built rental properties around you.
The desert is a place of fragile beauty. The same is true of Olocan. While you’re here, forget your worries, and leave your troubles behind. Worry instead about the troubles you’ll have for breaking any of the elaborate rules for staying at our pricey and delicate property.
We hope you didn’t have trouble finding the place on the unmarked dirt roads. This formerly barren scrub-land next to an industrial park was only developed last month, to take advantage of the area’s fleeting popularity as a place that looks better on Instagram than it does in real life.
We constructed Olocan with love, good vibes, and no intention of living there. But we are definitely real people, and not a stock photo chosen by a marketing company. We don’t want you to think of the following list of rules as an onerous and upsetting legal trap, but as a mellow and folksy request from your new friends, Dylan and Marlowe.
Olocan is more than a place. It’s a spirit, an energy, a way of slowing down, especially when you risk brushing against the priceless, spindly sculptures that fill the house. We also advise you not to leave any drinks near the sculptures, as they’re made from an oatmeal paste that will dissolve if it absorbs any moisture through the air, causing an astronomical replacement charge to appear on your bill.
Pets are not allowed at Olocan. Children either. Also people who are anxious, move quickly, or gesticulate when they talk. If you must laugh, please do so outside.
The front door lock is a highly sensitive model that requires several passcodes, and reacts to any incorrect sequence by sealing shut for 24 hours. Don’t call us for help until the 24 hours have passed, as our exorbitant locksmith can’t open it until then either.
Once inside, do not leave the front door open for more than three-tenths of a second, or you will be charged for an aphid specialist to treat the houseplants. Their watering and fertilizing schedules are in the green binder, which can be found with the other five binders, fanned over the entire surface of the coffee table.
Please take off your shoes when you’re inside. Also your pants and shirts, so they don’t stain the couch’s irreplaceable cushions, which are stuffed with stork feathers, and covered in lemur fur.
You won’t need your clothes, as you’ll be wearing hypo-allergenic kimonos at all times. There are two, hanging by the door. You will be charged for any missing kimonos, including the cost of traveling to the remote Japanese village where the silk is coaxed from humanely raised worms.
The water pressure is “sustainably low-impact.” That means it’s never more than a trickle. Filling a glass of water will take ten minutes. Flushing the toilet will drain the tank for the rest of the day. Showering will cause the aquifer to collapse underground, making you or your next-of-kin liable for the resulting sinkhole.
The appliances are all mint-condition antiques that require daily polishing and buffing. Do not leave appliances unbuffed!
Season the pots and pans every time you use them. They are made of a temperamental copper amalgam that’s susceptible to tarnishing. Treat them only with the unfiltered linseed oil and linseed oil gloves kept under the sink. The use of other oils or gloves will result in a charge for smelting a new set of cookware.
Feel free to use the laundry machine, if it’s to launder the towels, sheets, blankets, and dish towels before you go. All of these must be refolded according to the towel origami instructions on page 27 of the red binder, or you’ll incur the $800 non-negotiable refolding fee.
Before you leave, be sure to clean the dishes, pots and pans, and everything else. Sanitize all surfaces, including doors, walls, and ceilings. Rake the gravel in the driveway after you pull-out, according to the gravel-raking diagrams on page 34. That’s in the gray binder, which covers outside maintenance, including your responsibility to power-wash the exterior of the house.
But most of all, relax. Enjoy every blissful moment you’re here. You’ll only see our extra charges on your bill after you’ve left.