Relationships Are Built and Destroyed One Conversation at a Time.

Occasionally you encounter an idea so profound, so perfectly concise that it stirs something within.
When I’m not writing about music, I work on pieces that consider the challenges that new managers and leaders face.
Susan Scott’s 2004 book Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time is a significant read for managers and leaders.
The central premise that relationships are built and destroyed one conversation at a time is an arresting sort of idea to share with someone. It’s guaranteed to cut through. It simultaneously promotes reflection and optimism, which is a valuable, albeit uncommon experience.
What I find most satisfying about the idea is that it disrupts your current mindset and promotes a reset. It’s particularly good when you’re set to provide feedback to a peer who isn’t performing. It encourages a future mindset that is open to greater possibilities than the semi-rehearsed dressing down that is about to take place.
Our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time
In context, the complete quote reads:
Our work, our relationships, and our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time. While no single conversation is guaranteed to transform a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can. Speak and listen as if this is the most important conversation you will ever have with this person. It could be. Participate as if it matters. It does.
Every conversation is prefaced with a decision.
This mindset functions like a circuit breaker. Once you shift this action to system 1 thinking, it affords you a moment where you can decide how you want to influence the outcome of the interaction you’re about to have.
Do you stick to the same interpersonal experience you tend to have with this person, or do you ask yourself:
- How do I want this conversation to go?
- How do I want this person to feel?
- What do I want to happen after this conversation?
And I’m not just talking about the outcome, but about future possibilities. If I take a heavy handed approach now, maybe I get the short term outcome I want, but how much greater an obstacle am I creating for this person the next time around?
What you take into the conversation has a direct relationship with what you’ll get out of it.
But some conversations need to be tough — after all, the book is called Fierce Conversations.
There are four objectives within the Fierce Conversations framework.
- Interrogate reality
- Provoke learning
- Tackle the toughest challenge
- Enrich the relationship
It’s not about browbeating, berating or diminishing your peers; this framework nestles into the pillars of emotional intelligence — critical characteristics for the contemporary leader.
The self aware leader possesses:
- Self awareness
- Self management
- Social awareness
- Relationship management
Those who lean into authenticity are at an advantage in both capacities. No one wishes to be part of a superior’s theatre production, and managers lacking integrity are quickly discovered. It is an egalitarian framework. While the contextual focus may be on management and leadership, it is a cultural disposition that contributes to harmonious organisations when practiced by everyone.
A conversation can be direct, it doesn’t need to be at a colleagues expense.
The objective is not to shy away from direct conversations. Granted, when people exist in an organisation that values feedback, identifies it as a tool conducive to self reflection and increased performance, that’s a culture where reality can be interrogated and learning provoked.
A team that is committed to progress, to solving the types of problems that tend to limit organisations from achieving their objectives, and is able to come together through a shared set of values should find implementation of this thinking to be intuitive.
Feedback is not the enemy, nor is the person delivering it. Teams need to feel safe, they need to feel that the feedback is well intended and that the organisational culture fosters success and failure with the same regard. It’s OK provided something was learned. Even better if that insight leads to something beneficial.
Applying Fierce Conversations in practice is simple.
- Consider what you want to say to a colleague, and how best to frame it, relative to the objectives.
- Avoid taking a short-termist approach. Think about the change that is required now, as well as how this current interaction will influence your future experiences with this individual.
- Frame your commentary with the other person’s feelings in mind. Feedback can be lost on someone when it clashes too abruptly with their self identity.
- Be authentic. Understand what being authentic means. It’s not at anyone else’s expense. Your truth does not exist in a vacuum.
- Be specific, contextual and ensure the other party has room to ask questions, seek clarity and contribute to a solution.
- Where you observe an improvement in an area that was supported by feedback, it’s imperative that this be expressed. The occasion that warranted feedback (assuming it was less complimentary) wasn’t likely intended. Understanding that probability is critical when formulating a mindset when going into these discussions.
Think of every conversation as a path to a mutually satisfying future state.