Relationship Conflict Is a Request For Contact

The truth about the core of a relationship conflict

A conflict is a very regular and ordinary occurrence in a relationship. Disagreements are inevitable and we are only human, therefore, we do not always respond optimally when faced with distress and difficult feelings.

We often blame our partners and use logic to try to convince them that we are right. We become so angry, powerless, sad and confused since we do not want to comprehend how the one, who is supposed to love us the most, cannot understand us in our pain. Surprisingly, our partner feels the same way.

“I told you so many times to clean the hair out of the basin, I cannot take it anymore!”

“I was going to, you came here too soon, stop yelling at me! What about you, you never do anything I ask you to! Why do I have to always listen to you?!”

Irritating truth behind the conflict

Beneath all the insults, anger, and shouting lies a deeper truth, which is hidden from the consciousness in these emotionally charged moments. Defense mechanisms, such as shouting, blaming the partner, stonewalling, and contempt merely postpone it and eventually, it comes out to haunt us.

“Being in a relationship awakens the deepest emotional and relational needs in us. We want to feel safe, we want to belong, and feel heard and accepted. We are completely vulnerable. Therefore, the person whom we want these affirmations the most from, can hurt us the deepest.”

Being vulnerable is one of the scariest endeavours in a person’s life. At first, it is exciting to commit to your partner, to get to know each other, presenting yourself as someone you would like them to see you as.

Nonetheless, the shadowy part of us eventually comes out. We all have our shadows. Some of us have trouble dealing with anger, some of us are bad listeners, we have unusual habits, we are dealing with past traumas, and none of us is perfect.

There is no hiding from ourselves. Our complexes show up at the most inopportune moments, in front of people we care for the most.

Being in a relationship awakens the deepest emotional and relational needs in us. We want to feel safe, we want to belong, and feel heard and accepted. We are completely vulnerable.

Therefore, the person whom we want these affirmations the most from, can hurt us the deepest. We want to be accepted where we are not yet able to accept ourselves.

Conflict as a request for contact

When we manage to express our needs, we feel naked. It is an act of courage. We blindly take a leap of faith and hope our partner sees and hears us. Unfortunately, our partner is also only human, therefore, some of our needs will inescapably go unmet.

A conflict will arise and the real challenge is how to deal with it when it happens. When our inner safety is compromised, we get confused, angry, and scared, because we feel like we are in danger. In danger of losing the affection of someone we love the most.

The conflict is actually two hurt people trying to be heard and accepted in their emotional needs. When we are rejected, we get angry and try to hurt our partner the same way we are hurting.

We are projecting our pain onto them and hope they can understand how difficult it is for us and eventually soothe us with words of affirmation, maybe a hug. When both partners do it at the same time, it looks like playing a game of table tennis with emotions.

When one of them understands and hears the other and acknowledges her or his pain, the situation calms down. Now, they can talk vulnerably with each other and there is no need for defensive communication.

“Okay, I see you are upset. I get it now, you feel like you are not important when I ignore your initiative to clean the hair out of the basin. I am sorry.”

“Yes! I know I can be a bit much sometimes but it really means a lot to me. Thank you for hearing me. I am sorry I was yelling at you and calling you names.”

Conflict as a tool for relationship growth

Conflict is a necessary part of every relationship. It is a reflection of our desire for our emotional and relational needs to be satisfied, so we must learn how to communicate and hear each other.

Underneath all the anger and tension, there is a vulnerable part of us that wants to be understood and acknowledged.

We can help our relationship grow by taking a step back and asking ourselves, what is my partner trying to tell me, and how I can express myself more accurately so that my partner can understand me better? Conflict can be a useful tool for our relationship to grow.