Reggie’s SoC, Part 5 of n: The Chicken of Depression Edition

Summary

Reggie expresses deep personal struggles, including sadness over his daughter's estrangement, his own health issues, and a history of family turmoil, which have left him feeling broken, sad, and in great pain.

Abstract

Reggie is experiencing a profound sense of sorrow and depression, exacerbated by his daughter's rejection and his inability to support her due to his own emotional and physical health challenges. He reflects on his difficult past, marked by a schizophrenic mother, a depressed and paraplegic father, and an unhappy living situation with his brother. These experiences have contributed to his ongoing loneliness and feelings of inadequacy as a parent. Despite efforts to combat negative intrusive thoughts through psychoanalysis and self-affirmation, Reggie feels increasingly disconnected from his belief in being loved and valued by others.

Opinions

Reggie feels responsible for driving his daughter away due to his tiredness and crankiness.
He senses a fundamental shift in his relationship with his daughter, who is now fifteen and seeking independence.
Reggie recalls his own troubled adolescence, marked by a lack of safety and support, which has left lasting feelings of loneliness.
He is critical of himself, believing he is a poor father figure for his daughter during her teenage years.
Reggie is plagued by intrusive thoughts of worthlessness and self-hatred, which he struggles to overcome.
He questions the effectiveness of psychoanalysis in helping him cope with his mental health issues.
Reggie expresses a desperate desire to feel loved, whole, and good, even if just once, and is pleading for acknowledgment and support.

Reggie’s SoC, Part 5 of n: The Chicken of Depression Edition

I am sad today. My daughter is sick and tired of me. She isn’t speaking to me and now I feel sad. I don’t blame her. I try me best, but I’m just so tired and cranky all the time, I’ve driven her away.

My wife says to just let it pass, so I will. But I feel like something has fundamentally changed. Maybe it’s for the best. She is fifteen now and needs to find her own path through life.

I remember feeling so alone at her age. A schizophrenic mother and a depressed, paraplegic father did not make for a safe home environment. Neither did my older brother suddenly moving out when I was 10. Neither did getting diabetes when I was thirteen. Neither did going to live with my brother a few months later. He hated that I was there. Told me I almost ruined his marriage. Treated me very harshly for the whole two years I was with him. Came back home at age fifteen because that was what my dad wanted.

All my friends had moved on. I was alone. I never stopped being lonely. I wish my daughter had a better father who could help her through her teenage years. I can barely take care of myself. I feel like I’m going to vomit.

I just want to die right now. I feel dead inside. The world is falling apart. and I’m going to be one of the first to go. No insulin means death.

The intrusive thoughts keep pouring in: you’re a fuckup. You’re a loser. Everybody hates you. You are good for nothing. Everyone will be glad when you’re dead. Nobody wants you. Why don’t you just die already?

I keep fighting them. I tell myself that it’s not true. I am loved. People do care for me. And so on. It’s getting harder and harder to believe that. Years of psychoanalysis hasn’t helped me.

I am broken.

I am sad.

I am great pain.

I want to feel good.

Just once.

I want to feel whole.

Just once.

Please.

Can anyone hear me?