MAKING WAVES COLUMN

Refusing to Grow Old Gracefully

A combination of natural biology, environmental forces, and a whole lot of pizazz put me on this path

Sunday, February 18, 2024, 18:47

“One day, you will lose your looks and not be so pretty anymore,” said my second boyfriend when I was eighteen years old. He spoke the words as though I cared a lot about whether or not people found me attractive.

During my teenage years, I cared way too much about the clothes I wore, the shoes I bought, my hairstyles, color, length, and hair texture, my weight, how I sounded when I talked to people, and other superficial things.

When I graduated high school, and took LSD, mushrooms, and mescalin, a whole new world of perspective opened up to me.

A year after that, I moved to Seattle, Washington, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, which expanded my mind and spirit even further. That’s also when I fell in love with rollerblading and doing yoga, which made my body very toned.

I loved being fit, but I was not used to all the attention it garnered from men. It was hard for me to handle because I saw myself differently in my mind’s eye. I also wanted them to see the real me inside and not just the well-toned, curvy body I had on the outside.

When I graduated high school, and took LSD, mushrooms, and mescalin, a whole new world of perspective opened up to me.

Shortly after I turned twenty-one, I cut my hair extremely short and gained twenty pounds. This was in a few short months on a vegan diet, that consisted of too many pretzels and potato chips.

It was the first time I was what I would call “chubby.” I looked like a little cherub, and was surprised by how round I had become when I saw photos of myself.

I felt amazing mentally and spiritually, and didn’t care that I was no longer in top physical condition. Although I thought I looked less attractive, I still seemed to attract a decent amount of men. However, I felt that more of them saw me for who I really was.

My diet became healthier, and for most of my life, I’ve been at a pretty healthy weight until a few years ago. That was the last time my scale said that I was at my ideal weight.

It was also around the last time that a patch of gray hair I had in the middle of the back of my hair remained hidden, and lines didn’t surround my eyes when I smiled broadly.

These things are all coming to mind today as I take the train back from a weekend spent with a friend because she is really into sports, and I could tell that it was hard for her to imagine me as someone who used to be athletic.

So I dug in the archives and sent her some photos of me from when I was in great shape. My appearance doesn’t define me, but it was a good reminder of what I have accomplished and what I still can do.

It also got me thinking about my aging body, since I have seen my muscle tone decrease, and fat increase in places it never was before over the past few years.

I have sunspots on my arms and legs which are new to me, as is the loss of elasticity in my skin, not to mention the wrinkles on my face that seem to multiply by the week.

Luckily, I am not as horrified by these changes as I have heard or read from other women in the media.

I am proud of my body and my age, and all that we have endured together. I am drawing strength from my younger self, who felt a sense of relief when I no longer looked attractive in more conventional ways.

Social conventions and traditions were never really my style, so why should that change now?

However, I’m not going to lie and say that these changes don’t faze me.

I still think about coloring my grey hair but choose not to due to the current options, none of which appeal to me.

Although I have no varicose veins, I do have spider veins that I‘d love to zap away for purely superficial reasons but refuse to pay for.

Thankfully, my modeling days are behind me, and my appearance doesn’t affect my income.

Lastly, and quite fortunately for me, one of my greatest goals in life requires creative and intellectual skills, not physical fitness or excellence. That would simply be an added bonus.

What does aging look like for you?

Do you care more about the way you look as you age, the way you feel, or both equally?

Subscribe to make sure you don’t miss the next topic published on Monday, February 26th.

In case you missed last week‘s story:

Do you have something to write about you think would be welcomed here at The Diarist? Check out the submissions page — let’s see it! For more thoughtful, well-written, articles on every topic you could think of follow The Diarist