Reflections on Living Alone

A journal entry

How does my body feel at this moment? Relaxed, itchy — I am warm. I sit here in socks and underwear as I click my retainer repeatedly. I twist and crack my ankles, and my legs contract feeling fresh. I crack my knuckles- a habit I’ll never break. My lamp feels like a spotlight on me. I kinda like it even though I’m topless. I sigh in comfort as the bus groans by.

I touch my stomach, breast, collarbone. I am warm, calm — me. My mouth holds tension- click, click. I touch my ears- I haven’t in a while. I’ve forgotten what they feel like. The bookmark that hangs keeps tickling my thigh. I listen to the train and click my pen. I breathe and I think of nothing for a long time.

Then I look out my window and watch the trees dance. I am happy but I am alone. This was something I had always struggled with- being happy, especially without the presence of others. This held the most truth when I was at school. It felt like I was missing out if I stayed in, all alone.

I stare at my hands and the details they share with me. They’re dry from the cold and so wrinkly. They tell a story I am unable to identify. Then I wonder again how I can possibly be so happy, and my happiness starts to diminish as the feelings of worry and sadness seem to sneak through the cracks of the walls.

I am alone but I am okay. I am successful in my own right, working hard, and improving myself. I have people who love me, and when I think about anything rather than my misfortunes, I am beaming. It is kind of odd. I can choose my happiness and should live for myself. I’m the only person I’ll be with forever, for every second of every day.

I try to go back to thinking about nothing but I’ve seemingly escaped my trance and already have a hefty to-do list piling up in my mind’s eye. I start pondering life’s purpose and other philosophical shit that is sometimes enlightening but often utterly depressing.

I express my gratitude aloud, and I apologize to those I’ve wronged in the past. I wish them healing. I repent to the Universe and find salvation in feeling human.

I like me, sometimes- even when I am alone.

Tap into positivity at Live Life Now, my new blog✨

Have questions? Sign up for a tier to get 1on1 access with me.

Become a Medium member today or leave a tip. ❤️

This story is published in a Few Words, Medium’s publication that only accepts stories under 500 words.

If you have a few meaningful words to say and want to be a writer in our publication, visit here.