Motherly Reflections On a Blue Moon

Personal reflections on motherhood and the continuation of life.

Today my youngest turns thirty-two! What the! How did I suddenly become a mother of a grown thirty-two year old??

I’ve just returned from an early morning walk along the bay. A huge blue moon was still up in the sky, competing with the sunrise. The cool bay breeze invigorated my skin. The celebration of the day made me think back to when I was a young mother.

I miss being a mum!

I’m still very much a mother. You never stop even when your children become adults. But I miss the part of being a mother where your family is still living with you. The part that are often the hardest when you are a single mother. But wonderful in so many ways. Or is that in hindsight? :-). A bit like childbirth. You forget the challenges and pain as soon as you see your baby’s face.

My firstborn took three long days to arrive.

She was due on 20th June and that’s when she was born, but she started her struggle into the world three days before. Not sure if waiting to arrive on the due date was me being stubborn or her! But it meant lots of pain, lots of stress. Too much to write about here without this turning into a huge novel. But enough to say, when I saw her little red face and jet-black drowsy eyes staring up at me from my bare chest, an enormous warmth of love came over me. I had never ever experienced such a powerful emotion. It enveloped me in a cocoon of feel good peace and contentment.

As soon as I saw my first born’s face, I was ready to have a second baby. And I did. But not straight away. Took me a couple of years and I fell pregnant again. Another beautiful time. Lots of the usual morning sickness and feeling like a bloated whale. But my pregnancy also resulted in the sexiest emotions. Kind of funny, as you really do not need to be sexy from a biological point of view. You have already attracted a mate and are with a baby. But I did. Super sexy. Perhaps sexy comes from being content. Pregnancy is the one time in our female lives we can be a little cuddly and not have to worry about it. In fact, we can embrace our female bodies. Should be more of it in our society if you ask me.

My second baby, another beautiful girl, produced the same emotions as my first.

An immense amount of love, and I wanted more. Seconds after giving birth, I was ready to go for another twelve! Well, perhaps another two, but the euphoria does make you think you are capable of anything. She was an easy birth, only a few hours. My body and I knew what to do.

But the enthusiasm for another little one didn’t go any further. A crumbling marriage put a stop to that. Of course, we didn’t go one day from being in love to out of love. It was gradual. We had many good years, but also many soul-destroying times. But it gave me two beautiful daughters that I love more than anything on this earth. More than myself. Not saying I don’t love myself. But I would give up my life if it meant they would live. The protective motherhood feelings are indeed as strong as the superglue. Ever binding.

I may not always have liked their actions as little human beings. Mostly when they were teenagers. Oh boy, was that a fun time! The constant worry that they were ok. The many fights about rights and what you can do at fifteen when you believe you are twenty-five! The new experimental times with boys and alcohol. A huge learning curve for me that sometimes came too late.

I love how they have now grown up into the beautiful, caring, smart and independent young women. Both are so capable in their chosen path in life. My youngest now a mother to a beautiful little boy; the circle of life continues.

I am so proud my heart could burst sometimes.

Of my girls but also of my achievements as a mother. My stumbling, fumbling attempts at doing the right thing as a parent, has somehow worked. They both survived with me as their mother!

Every struggle and challenge through those years not only made them what they are today, it also shaped me. I think I was a bit more tense and naïve then. I have mellowed through it all and become more accepting. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry. Sometimes about stupid little things that I shouldn’t worry about. But I’m much better than I used to be. Being a single mum was hard without another person to lean on or to take charge when I was beat. It was always me alone, both mother and father. It was a struggle, but a struggle I’m glad I had.

So yes, I miss being a mum.

I miss having my family here, living with me. Warts and all. I miss being a mum. Does that mean I want to go back and relive that part right now? No, not at all. I am smart enough to appreciate the energy it took would be too hard to find today at sixty-five.

But my heart is brimming with gratitude to my girls for providing me with the rich life experiences of motherhood. It is indeed my biggest achievement in life.

Now I’m onto my next phase in life.

Being a grandma.

And I LOVE that!

Thank you for reading till the end.

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