Reflections from a Recovering Hothead
What I’ve Learned from My Last Bout of Rage
The Explosion
“I’m really sorry”.
Those were the three words that set me over the edge. Such an innocent-looking statement that had absolutely no meaning at that point in time. Why?
Because it had been said a little too much, and despite it, there I was, getting my heart broken to pieces after I had worked SO incredibly hard to patch it back up, on my own.
And to make matters worse, it was the same person who was breaking it, whom I gave a second chance to. Three simple, yet haunting words.
It felt like a nightmare. My hands were shaking. That chill from my hands passed through me like a wave and pretty soon, I found myself shaking all over. I knew what I was about to do and what I had to do — DROP THE PHONE! My brain screamed.
I tossed it onto my mattress, but the shaking intensified and the blood rose from my toes to my temples. I went to reach for my towel and clean clothes to take a shower but instead gripped the edge of the mattress, a bunch of thoughts flooding me.
How was I supposed to go about my day, as if nothing happened? If I let it go, I’d feel the pain, I’d be sad. And crying. And weak. Defeated. They’d get away with it. Again. Then I was filled with a burst of energy. There was an alternative to that doomed day ahead of me which I had had to endure so many other times before in my life. My brain spewed out another command.
Take that phone back and defend yourself!
There was about a half-second where I knew I could change course; I knew I could decide to face the pain and defeat, which I had felt in full intensity several months before. But it was too late. The defeat, hurt, and sadness had already morphed into full-on defense or fight mode. It consumed me.
So I preceded to verbally slander this person, by text message, without any mercy. Not only to them but about them to mutual acquaintances via email and social media. All. Day. Long. The only thing I ate that day was a Strawberry Cereal bar with the occasional swig of water.
I was too busy carrying out my mission, pacing back and forth in my room with my phone in hand. That mission was to destroy the connection and burn the bridge, to ensure it would never be available for me to cross again.
That was almost four months ago, and I can’t believe how my rage consumed me that day. Having chronic anger is no fun. It bubbles up inside of you so fast and explodes outward even faster, not caring who is in your vicinity.
I can promise you that anger this intense does not come out of nowhere. Trust me, someone who can get angry THAT quickly has typically been through some shizz.
But that doesn’t make an outburst right and it’s something I’m not proud of, so I’ve started listening to what my anger has to say. There is a lot there, all in a dusty pile within the pit of my stomach, from years of accumulation.
The Painful Lessons
While I now acknowledge that I could have dealt with the situation in a much better way for myself (I absolutely hate ghosting, but in this case, it would have been a much better option), I have a few valuable takeaways.
They are:
1) Our vindictive actions impact us as much as they impact other people. Plenty of people have gone to jail for breaking out into violence. Unresolved anger yields violence and abuse, and I do not ever want to become an abusive person.
2) We are completely entitled to feel how we feel when people hurt us, but hurting them back only winds up hurting us. How?
a. You appear as unapproachable and unreasonable to yourself as well as to others. Who wants to be perceived as a red-faced cartoon character who acts foolishly as a result of their anger?
b. You get into a victim-mentality mindset and come up with reasons to justify your reactions towards things that happen to you instead of having a reasonable response. In short, you become entitled.
c. You turn into an ugly person, on the inside and outside, when you let your anger/pain dictate your actions.
d. You question if you are a good person or not for hurting others, regardless of if they hurt you first.
3) I have a lot of anger from a barrage of old pains that have had to be tucked away and need to be resolved/healed ASAP.
4) My anger comes from a place where I have felt immensely disrespected and devalued, especially when I’ve treated or tried to treat others with respect, value them, or give them a second chance. To not get that back in return is the worst feeling you could ever have. Instead of feeling sad, you default to anger, with the sole intention of protecting yourself.
5) I am human and I am not made of stone — it’s okay to feel your feelings, even anger. Just don’t let it make you into someone you are not.
6) Overall, I must take responsibility for my decisions, and that includes giving someone that already hurt me a second chance. That was my bad, and even though they hurt me again, it was ultimately my choice to let them in again and risk getting hurt for the millionth time. It was also my choice to go off on that person, and that was not a good choice, no matter what they did. I take 100% responsibility for my choices.
7) I forgive myself and apologize to myself for selling myself short and putting up with more than I ever should have. I apologize to myself for clinging to others at the expense of my dignity and self-respect.
8) I am not perfect and don’t have to be ashamed of what happened because ultimately, I got to that point gradually and didn’t react that way over something minuscule. I had my reasons to react as I did, and overall, I reacted in a self-protective way, no matter how out of line or damaging it was.
9) While I do have a bad temper, it is typically triggered by mistreatment and disrespect. If you treat me right, you will never have a problem with me. Regardless, I’ve got to learn how to deal with being disrespected and mistreated in a healthier way, out of respect for myself.
10) This is the very last time that I will let my anger consume me and dictate my actions. I will work to address my anger every day and never give anyone else the power to dictate my emotional health and well-being ever again.
The Good Things
Everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING. Hands down, my messaging tirade was completely wrong. I am not saying my reaction was right or even civil. But along with the obvious repercussions of my actions (i.e., showing that ugly part of me), I can appreciate the surprisingly good things that came from it. Those good things are:
- For the first time (I dare say ever), I directed the anger away from myself and onto the responsible party.
2) I wasn’t self-destructive (i.e., didn’t yell/scream, wreck property, or damage belongings, which I have done in the past).
3) I did not take it out on completely innocent people (i.e., didn’t snap at my mother or a random stranger while driving)
4) I did not berate myself for being stupid, too vulnerable, sensitive, or weak to have let another put me in that state.
5) I have come a long way with recognizing when my spirit and feelings are in danger. Once upon a time, I would be completely oblivious, numb, or dismissive of wrongdoing, whereas now, I can recognize it. It’s just a matter of responding to it, not reacting in a more civilized, composed way.
6) I no longer have anything to say about the person who hurt me, out of respect for them as fellow humans. I wish them well in their life and hope they will allow themselves to be loved the way they deserve and not be afraid of it. Everyone deserves to love and accept, including this person and especially myself.
All of my reflections tell me I can see myself for who I really am, good and bad. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most promising marker for real concrete change. If I can see it and recognize it, I can change it. Now it’s time for me to take action, and I’m hoping this article will keep me accountable!
The Advice for Dealing w/ Rage
Since I’m now a qualified pro on the subject, I can whole-heartedly recommend the following when dealing with rage or the fallout from it:
Pre-explosion
1) Recognize your emotion. Strong emotions like anger want your attention and if you ignore or downplay them, they only get worse, not better. Talking yourself through it out loud has been the most effective tool for me. Try it! It may feel strange, but it’s better than blowing up from rage.
2) Keep to yourself. DON’T DO OR SAY ANYTHING. Isolate if you have to. You’ll be so glad you did, trust me.
3) Have an action plan. It doesn’t hurt to carve out a little private space somewhere at home for those times when you feel overcome with rage. Or if you find yourself unable to sit or lie down, break out into jumping jacks or put on really loud, angry music and just bop around and dance to it (Linkin’ Park is my favorite). And you can always just count to five. That probably would have helped me keep the phone out of my hands long enough to realize what I shouldn’t have done.
Post-explosion
4) Forgive yourself. When you have a chronic bad temper, there are times when you will inevitably mess up. But to move forward, you have to take a few steps back. Let it go and forgive yourself. It makes it a lot easier to deal with.
5) Take responsibility. Exploding when angry is, ultimately, a choice. This one is still a little hard for me to accept because of how quickly I can escalate, which makes it feel like it is out of my hands. But it is a feeling that belongs to you and only you, no matter who or what caused it. Own up to it and you’ll be respected for it as well as able to control it, eventually.
6) Listen to it. You are angry for a reason; what is it telling you about the situation or about yourself?
7) Learn. Never stop bettering yourself or being open and honest with yourself about your anger problems. It’s not any different from having a substance abuse issue or a mental health disorder (in my case, my anger is a symptom or remnant of a whole other issue). It takes a lot of work and self-realization to snap out of it, and only you can do that… if you want to.
And finally, if you encounter someone who is angry or in a full-on rage (except for someone who has a weapon or is physically abusive to others), please be compassionate. I can’t stress enough how excess anger has a legitimate source, even if the situation that triggered it seems small or like it doesn’t warrant a strong reaction. Hotheads are actually in pain, and it’s the only way they know how to protect themselves from being hurt any further.
By holding off on blatant judgment and ridicule towards an angry person, you are giving them space to cool down. You are also letting them know that what they feel is valid and that you see the small kid sitting in the corner crying their eyes out behind the ugly mask of rage.
Be kind. As the saying goes, “La vida da muchas vueltas.” (“Life takes a lot of turns”). You never know if you’ll find yourself in the same boat one day.
