Reflections For My Younger Self

By most any objective account, I have had a fortunate life so far. Born in the richest, most powerful country that ever existed, I grew up safe and secure and was privileged to have a top notch education. I work in a meaningful profession. Good friends; a loving, smart, beautiful wife. At 37, I have much to be thankful for, and much to look forward to.

And yet, in those quiet moments, sometimes I wonder what life would be like if my younger self knew what I know now. Maybe some lessons can only be learned through experience. Maybe knowing something is true is different from living it, experiencing it, incorporating it into your very being. Perhaps my younger self had the knowledge but lacked the wisdom.

High school can be a mixed bag for many people. Not me, though. I was most sure of myself in those years. No, I was not the homecoming king or quarterback of the football team. But I did well academically, had a good circle of friends, and a clear sense of direction. Life was on an upward trajectory and I was along for the ride.

I did well gaining book knowledge and repeating it back on command. But did I miss out on an education? Was I not even provided one? As an adult, I look back on gaps in my understanding, both basic and profound, and wonder when exactly that was supposed to be covered.

Why do we learn calculus but not personal finance? Why read about Romeo and Juliet yet omit how to manage our own relationships? Why do we learn about decisions others made in history books, but not how to decide for ourselves? Managing the basics, relating well with others, and learning how to think are core to what we all do every single day, and yet the standard curriculum is silent on these topics. That’s a shame, I think.

What are the biggest takeaways I have now, looking back over the last twenty years? Three come to mind: You make your habits, and then your habits make you. Be kind to yourself, and even kinder to others. Follow your curiosity. While there are many more finer points, those three encompass the broad arcs my reflections take.

Build Your Habits

Humans are creatures of routine. To carefully weigh the pros and cons of every novel situation we encounter would soon overwhelm us. Instead, we default to our habits when we can, as a form of efficiency. But where do these defaults come from? Without thought, your habits will be whatever routine you first encounter, regardless of whether it is optimal or not.

Instead, think deeply about the type of person you want to be. Look at role models and learn what routines they used to succeed. By consciously building your habits first, they will be there for you when times are tough.

For me, one habit that came late in life was exercise. While I was active as a young kid, it was not a habit. I participated on teams because I had been signed up for them. Exercise was during a scheduled time like gym class. There was no structure to it, and consequently, no progress.

As I transitioned from school to work, the opportunities to play on teams became few and far between. Everyone was busy with life, including myself. My health began to suffer for it. The low point was finding myself unable to run more than a mile without getting too short of breath. It would have been easy to take this decline as just the normal course of things.

Instead though, I started to set small goals. Running three times a week. Running a 5k continuously on my own. Running a 5k race. Soon enough, this habit took me from being a person who occasionally runs to being a runner. From that person bent over, hands on knees, out of breath to a marathon finisher 3 years later.

You make your habits, and then your habits make you.

Be Kind

It is funny to look back at how I judged everyone. I was both too easy and too hard on myself for starters. I took school seriously, stressing out over exams and grades. Yet, I was too easy on myself about doing the hard work of knowing myself and where I wanted to head.

Not only did I hold myself to this false standard, but I also valued it among my friends. I even asked them about what they looked for in their friends and significant others, looking to hear my own thoughts echoed back at me. Confirmation bias is everywhere, especially when we think we are confirming something positive about ourselves.

I was wrong. The most thoughtful answers focused on kindness. There is no substitute to kindness in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. I had a narrow-minded view of intelligence, but in reality, there are many forms of intelligence out there. Judging someone by my own limited view revealed more about my shortcomings than anyone else’s.

Occasionally, that intelligence acts as a kind of ‘terrible master’, demanding time and attention, insecure about being exposed as lacking in some form. Akin to the ‘hedonic treadmill’ of seeking ever greater pleasure, intelligence-worshiping has its own negative effects. The more you know, the more you have to learn to validate that knowledge, the more you have to fear of being found out as an imposter. This ‘Red Queen’ effect crossed with Imposter Syndrome makes for a person outwardly worldly but internally quite brittle.

Kindness though is always welcome. Instead of being self-centered like the hollow intellect above, it is centered on others. Being compassionate to the people you associate with will mean a lot more to people in the long run than any mental acuity. Especially when people are feeling low, a kind word or gesture will strengthen a bond like nothing else.

That kindness though starts with yourself. Forgiving your own shortcomings is a reminder of not only your humanity, but the humanity in others. Most everyone is trying their best, and acknowledging that will bring peace of mind far faster than anything else.

Follow Your Curiosity

Not everything can be automated into a habit. At some point, we have to make one-time decisions about where to head in life. It is easy to get drawn into what the crowd is doing. When everyone is moving forward, no one wants to feel left behind. Following the crowd though can lead you down a road you never really intended to walk down.

If you find yourself on such a road, stop. Take the time to lift your head up and look at all the possibilities out there. Are you most curious about what lays at the end of the road you are on, or another one? Answering this requires knowing yourself, and being kind to yourself about how confusing a response you might get. However, if you make a habit of this self reflection, in time you will become more skilled at understanding what your most true self is telling you about what to do.

“He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.”

-Nietzsche

Your curiosity is your inner self asking “Why?” about some aspect of the world. Chasing that curiosity will lead you to a path. Often that path is not the easiest one but rather the one you will find most personally fulfilling.

At the end of your days, you will have the sum of your experiences and the relationships you formed. Taking the time now to choose your adventure will make the journey all the more worthwhile.