Education
Reflections for Graduates (and their parents)
They will be OK. As long as you let them be.
“Have no fear of perfection — you’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali
I have a little secret for parents.
I was speaking with a recent graduate from Stanford University, my alma mater, the other day. I mentor several students in high school and college from around the world on their career and life paths.
He excitedly updated me on his job search and personal life. We have been speaking for over a year, and he has shared some of his challenges.
“How are your parents doing?” I asked him.
Silence.
“So they still aren’t happy with your journey?”
The answer is almost always the same.
I spent twenty-five years in the corporate technology world. I then transitioned to focus more on education and non-profits over the past decade.
I have worked in education for over twenty years in varying capacities. I ran a school, helped start schools, advised governments on the development of their educational programs, launched a co-learning center, and mentored adults and young people in their personal and professional paths.
I believe our worldwide education system is fundamentally broken. It isn’t just not working, it is harming our children. Some people find these to be strong words. Yet most educators agree with all or some of this sentiment.
However, it is the response of parents that surprises me the most in my discussions with young people. Even though parents suffer from the same broken model and are dealing with the aftermath in their own lives, they continue to perpetuate a failed system by pushing their children down the same path.
While I don’t agree with their actions, what pains me more is when the child shares their interests and potential path, only to see the disdain in their parents’ faces.
So many children do not feel aligned with or supported by their parents as they explore options after high school or college.
I have seen extreme examples of this. I once spoke with a mother when I was running a school who said that she didn’t care what her child did in school as long as he got into Harvard.
The child was five years old at the time. I felt for the young person. His journey ahead was not going to be a pleasant one.
Parents aren’t doing this to be mean. They just cannot let go of their own fears and failures. I have seen again and again a parent who is working in a job that they hate and express how much they disliked school, yet they insist their child follows the same path.
Here are some thoughts that I share with students as they transition from graduation into their next steps. I also work with many college graduates as they struggle to communicate to their parents that they now want to take a different path in life. They have finally taken a stand.
Each situation is unique as each child is different. But there are some clear themes I have seen over the years.
These are some thoughts for reflection.
Degrees of Happiness
A degree is not a ticket to happiness and success. This is arguably the most difficult one for parents to accept.
Do not get caught up in the elite school nonsense. It doesn’t matter once you graduate. After the age of twenty-five, no one will ever ask you where you went to school. In my 35 years of hiring, I never paid attention to what schools someone attended. I am only interested in the person sitting across from me.
Many experts share a similar opinion. And while data fluctuates from year to year and around the world, there is significant unhappiness in the workplace and this isn’t limited to people without degrees.
Companies have seen the problem for a long time. More than half of US companies will be eliminating degree requirements in 2024. And these are not just small businesses.
IBM, Google, Accenture, Dell, Bank of America, and many others now do not require degrees. The primary reason is that they feel graduates are ill-prepared and they want to train them on the job.
This isn’t to say a degree is a bad path. It just isn’t for everyone. And considering the extremely high cost of college and universities, it is becoming prohibitive.
Which Direction?
Charlie Munger, the former business partner of Warren Buffett from Berkshire Hathaway, had a very simple perspective on life and careers.
- Don’t work for anyone you do not respect and admire
- Don’t sell anything you wouldn’t buy yourself
- Work only with people you enjoy
My advice to young people is that there is no perfect career and life choice.
I advise them to move towards the area of their interest and be around interesting people. I haven’t met anyone in my life who was unhappy who followed this advice. It doesn’t mean their lives were easy. But in general, it is what provides the greatest reward.
The challenge is that society is often telling us to act against our nature.
Matchmaking
Just like in dating, we sometimes are attracted to the most popular people for the wrong reasons. Picking a school is the same.
Almost every conversation I have with high school graduates applying to college is about which school they should attend. And, sadly, they all mostly start with the same list of the top 50 universities in the world.
I went to Stanford which is always in the top 50. It was fine for me, it was terrible for many of my friends. It would be a bad fit for most kids. I have friends who went to Harvard, Yale, and other top schools only to drop out to attend another school that was a better fit for them.
But again and again, students, usually motivated by their parents, want to go to societally defined top schools.
There are approximately 25,000 universities in the world. Location, weather, size, focus, faculty, and student body are all valuable metrics. However, students still want to go to one of the top universities according to very limited metrics.
If your life passion is engineering, MIT can be a great choice. But I wouldn’t pick MIT just because it is MIT.
If university is a path that aligns with your head and heart, then know that you have endless options in the world.
Failure is Not Hereditary
Parents live in fear that their children will fall victim to the same issues and failures that troubled them.
I have had thousands of discussions with parents who were terrible in a subject and didn’t want their children to suffer the same frustration. Just because they were bad at French doesn’t mean their kids will be.
We are constantly hovering and projecting and telling our kids what to do. We just need to stop. They are not and never will be like us. Their interests will be different.
As I have shared before, we aren’t aware of the damage we are creating when we continue to lecture them. Yes, we are their parents and we should give them reflections on life. But we cannot control their lives.
My Final Thought
This one raises an eyebrow at times, particularly when I am speaking at a conference or to a group of parents at school.
When I see children struggling and in decision mode, I tell them to tune out the world and just listen to what their hearts tell them. And I make it very clear that this includes their parents.
In my work with Green School Bali, I co-launched a parent’s learning center a few years back. I wholeheartedly believe in the value that parents bring to education. I believe that there is a needed triangulation between parents-students-teachers that provide the best learning environment.
So while I believe in the added value that parents bring to learning, I also know that they can be the biggest inhibitors to their child’s growth and happiness.
The child may go to the school that their parent pushed them towards. The child may study law or medicine because that is what their parents demand. What I can assure these parents is that while it may work in the short term, it will fail miserably in the long term.
Their children will be unhappy and will most likely switch to a different career and life path once they are free from the parental bonds.
Even I with my experience in education need to check my own beliefs and patterns. I will sometimes find myself speaking to my children not about what is best for them but what is a fear for me.
If we love our children, we will let them be.
I am a son, a brother, a husband, and a parent of two who are now seventeen and twenty-one. I know as well as anyone how complicated it can be to raise a family.
I have also been through the journey, spending time in corporate and education. I do not come from a bitter place with my education or work. For the most part, it worked for me. But I know it doesn’t work for most.
I don’t purport to know all the answers. I will be the first to admit how little I know. However, I have observed a few things in my years in corporate and education. We don’t need research, science, or degrees to see the problems.
Intuitively we know the issues. We can see when our children are struggling. We know when we are locked in our beliefs and patterns.
The challenge for us is to break these patterns so that we don’t hand them down to our children.
We all want the same thing: happy, safe, and healthy children who will thrive in life.
Sometimes we just need to remember a bit of our past to know how to move forward.
With kindness.
Here are some of the stories referenced in this article. Please share your thoughts and experience on school and work so we can help to make education better for young people.
