Endure & Overcome Your Misogynist “Boss”

Stand up and advocate for yourself when no one else will — no matter the cost.

“It takes two.”

She held up her index and middle fingers for effect. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, especially from another woman who happened to be my misogynistic manager's supervisor. It was infuriating. How on earth in this day and age could this be happening? It takes two?

They think I brought this upon myself?

No, actually, it does not take two to be verbally abused and intimidated by someone. It does not take two people to create a toxic environment. It does not take two… my thoughts were interrupted.

“No one else has any complaints about Jason’s behavior. We asked your co-workers if they had any similar experiences, and they did not.” The head of HR chimed in with a condescending smile and eye’s vacant of empathy, or reason.

I wondered if they heard a word of what I told them in person. For that matter, if they were able to read and comprehend written statements? Apparently not. I went to them for help and emphatically explained in no uncertain terms precisely that my manager Jason, did not treat anyone else the way he had been treating me for the past six months.

This wasn’t my first rodeo; life as a female Bartender comes with many perils to be circumvented or overcome.

I’ve dealt with jerky managers, micro-managing managers, and incompetent managers in the past two decades. Even a couple of bar guests turned stalkers, but none of those instances were unmanageable situations that I ever had to seek assistance for. I can handle myself… this was something else.

Suddenly, the “wild-west” that I had left for the allure of healthcare benefits and a 401K at this massive corporate restaurant group… didn’t look so bad anymore.

“Your relationship with Jason is going to take some time to re-build. We expect our managers to be able to coach their employees. Jason mentioned that you have a hard time with constructive criticism…”

“I understand what coaching is. There is a big difference between coaching and harassment.”

“We told him to be more aware of his tone of voice. But you need to come to work ready.” The head of HR scolded.

They’re concerned about me not coming to work “ready?”

“Did you care to be more specific?” I asked and waited a few moments in silence while they both stared at me blankly.

After everything, they were going to sit across from me and tell me that I need to be “ready” when I get to work? It wasn’t worth pressing, I paused and changed the subject.

“Listen... I am certain that Jason is going to retaliate against me for coming to you. I also guarantee that it will only be a matter of time before you have someone else sitting here telling you that Jason is targeting them.”

Unexpectedly, I felt I was bursting into flames; prompting me to strip off my coat and scarf. Tears began to form and fall down my cheeks.

“Are you okay?” His supervisor asked half-heartedly.

I shook my head mouthing, “no” while collecting my belongings. I stood and walked out the door onto the city street. Didn’t they believe me? Not only did they not believe me, they expected me to return the next day to work alongside Jason as if nothing had happened.

Their “investigation” into my accusations of wrong doing was a complete joke.

I was in shock. I realized during my drive home, they did not bother to speak of a single specific significant instance of abuse I shared during our last meeting.

His female supervisor couldn’t look me in the eye after reassuring me that I was “brave” for coming forward during our first meeting. I can’t speak for her; maybe she was as upset as I was about the company response. I do know two other women formally complained about him to upper management before I did. It was apparent that Jason has issues with women (for instance, I once overheard him think joking about killing his mother was “funny”).

I also caught him having a meltdown when he thought he was alone in a back hallway screaming “FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOUUUUU!!!!!!!!” He turned around, stunned to find me standing there.

I asked him if he was okay before he ran away without saying anything. Who did he talk to immediately before his psychotic episode? One of the women that reported his behavior to upper management on her last day (she told me she was leaving because of him). I notified HR and his supervisor about this incident as well. I honestly thought that he would be fired after a 3rd complaint that showed his escalating behavior.

Basically, nothing was being done to address his character.

Jason’s sexually harassing statements evolved (after I didn’t take the bait and he didn’t “like” me anymore) to verbal abuse and intimidation. That was apparently okay with them. As were all of the “micro-aggressions,” I described like not saying a word to our male bartenders that couldn’t keep up with the demanding pace. During the opening rush on a Friday or Saturday night two bartenders have 40 of the most complicated cocktails you’ve ever seen (to ideally put up in 10–12 mins).

Not a word to say about obscene 25 minute ticket times to the boys that couldn’t keep up, but he would come ask me why the drink ticket I was working wasn’t already on the table at 7 minutes? Or if the male bartender had stepped off the floor, Jason loved to pull tickets if I didn’t immediately notice one pop up and slap them down next to the well (bartender lingo for my station) I was working. “Get to work” was obviously what he meant by that; he never once did that to any of the guys.

He couldn’t stand that I out performed the men I worked with.

No big deal to threaten to fire me in the middle of my shift in front of my bar guests, simply because I asked if we could speak post-service with someone else present that evening (he was aware I was no longer comfortable talking to him alone). After threatening to fire me, it was okay to demand to speak to me outside of our place of work in the rain?

To take that opportunity to say wildly inappropriate and concerning things such as, “I fucking love you, but you just need to do what I tell you” and “I’m watching you Jeze, I’m always… watching you.”

Impromptu late-night meetings in his office after 2 AM to threaten to fire me because he couldn’t “protect” me anymore? What the fuck was he even talking about?!?! That was totally appropriate and not worth discussion. Last but not least, the threatening text message sent to me at 2:07AM the final night we worked together stating…

“This is going to be Jezebel’s last week.”

I finally decided I couldn’t live like this anymore and went to his supervisors for help. Who in their right mind would be okay with receiving a text message from your manager, referring to you in third person to inform you at 2 AM that it’s going to be your “last week?”

Am I crazy to feel shocked and disgusted that there was no mention of repercussions or disciplinary action for that?

Senators have stepped down for less, and they expected me to return to work with Jason without even mediating a conversation between us? That alone still outrages me and makes my skin crawl. Sure enough, the very night they closed their “investigation,” Jason put out a schedule for the next month… without me on it. He also preemptively deleted me from our team communication app before the HR inquiry even concluded.

I guess Jason never got the memo that retaliation towards an employee is illegal, especially if you’re retaliating after being accused of harassment, which is also illegal. I knew he was going to retaliate, I was just stunned that he would do so this soon, or obviously.

I contacted his supervisors that evening to inform them that this situation was absolutely ridiculous, and I was weary of subjecting myself to their circus. They attempted to smooth things over and coax me to come back to work. Probably because they realized this was a lawsuit in the making. I was assured Jason “didn’t mean to” put out the schedule without me on it, or delete me from our team communication app.

“Dear Jeze, it was an accident. We told him to be more conscientious moving forward,” she lied.

Don’t you “Dear Jezebel” me. Jason couldn’t reach out to me himself, to let me know of his “accident” regarding scheduling? Thanks for further insulting my intellect; they honestly thought I would fall for that. Unbelievable. I quit and have since spoken to an employment attorney.

Is it even worth pursuing some kind of justice? So far, I’m the only one with the shit-end of the stick.

This was the most extravagant and corporate bartending job for the largest company I had ever worked for. So many neatly organized systems, checklists, and team-building activities. More women, people of color, and LGBTQ in management roles than I have ever seen. The last thing I expected was to endure the most sinister harassment of my professional career thus far.

I read an article recently on Medium by Erika Stallings about the “Pet to Threat” phenomenon. While the research that went towards this was mainly focused on Black women, obviously women of every shade of the rainbow have experienced this in the work place.

You go from being a shiny new “pet” for your manager to play with to suddenly a “threat” when they realize you are confident, perform well, and have the audacity to garner free will, or an opinion. For the first six months my manager showered me with praise. He bestowed to me all the best shifts and referred to me as his new “star bartender,” but then things started to change.

Jason began to have this fixation about me, not “looking busy” enough; it became a reoccurring theme.

He snuck up behind me and hissed it in my ear. Took me to the back hallway to get in my face and yell at me, “Why don’t you try looking busy!” on multiple occasions. At 2:30 AM one night, he felt the need to take me to the office to present to me with a form he wanted me to sign, reprimanding me.

What did he write on it? “Look busy.” How subjective and pitiful to not be more specific than that.

On top of being complete bullshit, it was retaliation because I confided in my bar manager that I was upset about the most recent altercation with Jason. He said he would talk to him. I assumed we would schedule a time for the three of us to sit down and have a conversation about my concerns.

Instead, I was written up and Jason’s behavior was never addressed. I asked him in his office that night, what was it exactly that he would like for me to “look busy” doing? Jason couldn’t articulate what he actually meant by that.

I assure you, I didn’t have a problem “looking busy” regularly putting up $6K in cocktails without a single error for some of the wealthiest people in the world. While also, entertaining a twelve-top bar full of random people on any given night? Making that fucking job look like you’re having the time of your life takes expertise you can’t learn at any school.

Even more infuriating was witnessing that he did not have the balls to EVER speak to my male counterparts the way he spoke to me.

I knew it, but I stayed for the prestige of finally making it to what I thought of as damn close to the pinnacle of what is attainable in my industry. It took eighteen years of busting my ass to get here, I wasn’t going to let him deter me, or so I thought.

I still don’t understand exactly when, how or why his attitude changed towards me. It’s incredibly unsettling that he was targeting me personally. Six months later, I still regularly have nightmare about him several times a week. Looking back, I can’t believe I put up with all of this as long as I did. I know it sounds crazy, but all of this happened over time and initally I thought Jason was great.

It’s bizarre to experience someone you considered a friend slowly, and subtly start abusing you.

It was premeditated that he made sure that no one else ever heard the inappropriate things he said to me. As was acting inordinately nice to me in front of the rest of the staff. Of course no one would believe me when I finally spoke up. I feel like such a fool for all the times I thought Jason was genuinely being kind to me after one of his episodes. I thought he actually wanted to patch things up and that it wouldn’t happen again.

Before you know it the discriminatory behavior is your new normal and you are forced to contemplate how the hell you got here in the first place.

Don’t make the mistake I did, letting bad behavior slide for too long. I thought I was okay. I thought that I could handle it; handle him. Until I realized abruptly I wasn’t, and I couldn’t do it anymore.

To add insult to injury my ex-employer contested my claim for unemployment benefits.

After explaining the situation to a state employee handling my case, I was completely astonished that he denied me benefits. This occurred a week after the Pandemic became official. Not to mention myself and every single Bartender in Washington State (I live in Seattle) is out of a job due to the first known C19 hot spot in the U.S. being discovered here February 29th.

He cited that a “hostile” work environment is not a qualification for unemployment benefits, after completely ignoring the two reasons that I quit that would qualify me for benefits according to state law here.

On top of this bullshit can I tell you how maddening it was to experience my co-workers sympathize and then turn their backs on me after I reported him? I was told I was not allowed to have any contact with any of my colleagues during the “investigation” and after it ended I never heard from a single one of them; I considered several pretty damn close friends. I guarantee Jason told them some elaborate lie. Further, to be treated like an attention seeking lunatic by the idiot helming HR and Jason’s supervisor.

This experience prompted me to decided to take this year off and figure out a plan to become financially independent. Yet, I always knew that I could pick up a decent bartending gig if everything went to hell (also known as a Pandemic) and I absolutely needed to. Knowing that is no longer an option (until a vaccine is created or “herd immunity” is achieved in the U.S.) has been extremely stressful in and of itself.

I appealed the decision and also enlisted the help of a non-profit called the Unemployment Law Project to represent me. My attorney was extremely thorough and explained that I obviously did qualify for unemployment benefits, but I would have to present my case to a WA State Judge and convince them. Because of the way things went down it could be construed either way.

In Washington state there is a list of reasons why it is acceptable to quit your job and still receive unemployment benefits.

In my case, I had not one, but two legitimate reasons to quit. One was illegal activity (in the form of harassment) and also my hours were reduced more than 25% when Jason created and published a new schedule without me on it as punishment for reporting him. I finally had a chance to speak to a Judge and plead my case last week.

I just checked the mail this morning to find a letter with his decision… to grant me unemployment benefits! Also, a congratulatory letter from the Unemployment Law Project.

I feel like I just got a significant nod from the Universe for not putting up with a misogynistic asshole. I can finally breathe again after putting up with 6-months of a insecure psychopath for a General Manager and another 6-months of uncertainty from the moment I quit to being vindicated. I didn’t realize the mental toll that this has taken, looming over me like a dark cloud for the past year.

Enough is enough. I didn’t care what the consequences would be, I did not deserve to be treated like that; I walked away from my “dream” job for my principals as a human being. The biggest lesson? To know that there still is justice in this world; don’t give up. I can finally move on, put this behind me and … Damn it feels good. As for Jason? I’m confident Karma is a bitch.

➡️ Jezebel Feast is the editor of “Jezebel’s Feast,” a personal blog focused on the vast topic of living a sustainable lifestyle. Visit her new home jezebelsfeast.com. Want to keep in touch? Catch Jeze on Instagram 📸 or Pinterest 📌…🔗…🚀📝 More Stories by Jezebel…

* If you are in a similar situation document everything, especially your communication with the employer.

* Do it in writing so there is no mistake or interpretation.

* I would recommend finding a non-profit in your area that specializes in unemployment law to represent you.