Reflecting on Shame, Solitude and Creatures of the Night
Shame and thinking of myself as a victim goes out the window.
Self reflection is definitely good for the soul, and week three of KTHT Spooktober prompt provided some great questions to do just that.
It came at a good time for me. I have been physically healing over the last four months and this process has taken up my energies. But I recently noticed quite a big dip in my mood and temperament, which made me realise I have not been providing enough time for my mental wellbeing.
Self reflection helps to clear that haze, see more clearly, and to work out priorities. Not all at once, but it’s a place to start.
It is with the above in mind — and also being inspired by this post from my good friend Marie A. Rebelle — that I decided to answer all of Diana’s questions from this week, in one article.
Where do you keep your shame?
Shame is an odd concept. I don’t have much shame. As an abused child, I felt shame for years. But eventually got over it, and decided that I’d put that aside and have no more to do with it.
There’s no point telling someone who has been abused not to think it’s shameful — and that it is the abuser who is at fault.
They have to work that one out for themselves.
It took me decades. But I did it. I had to for many reasons (including my sanity). Not only was I tired of carrying the shame around — it was heavy. I also wanted to cast aside that great big label — victim. Which means there was no other way, shame and thinking of myself as a victim was thrown out the window and instead replaced with hindsight, experience, valuing myself, looking through the abusers eyes, and a whole handful of other stuff. All of which helped me to move on.
What keeps you up at night? Describe a creature that embodies those thoughts.
I am kept up at night by the creatures called sugar, coffee, alcohol and what ifs.
As to creatures that embody my thoughts, well literally animals appear in my dreams — a lot. Large, dark fury creatures invading my space, and on other nights I am the carer of all small, needy animals. Feeding cats, hamsters, rabbits — you name it. I have no idea why these visions fill-up my nights mind, but they do. Perhaps it is because my kids are grown now, and I still have some nurturing instincts left that need an outlet.
What are some example of times when words held immense power in your life?
Words are powerful. Written or in speech. Knowing how to use them can entertain, maim, educate or charm. Oh, and so many other things too. I don’t think I’ve held power with any of my spoken words — I could be wrong. It has to be said, when I used to socialise more as a younger woman, some of my peers would hang off my every word, but I didn’t value them as people, so the power I held — if any — was meaningless. There is no glory in influencing others with your words unless those others mean something to you. However, I have been happy whenever my stories or personal accounts have seemed to entertain, direct or inform — in my eyes, powerful responses. I may have got near to achieving that with these two tales — one fiction, one true.
Every time I write, I bleed only you.
When I was young I used to keep diaries and on those occasions my words would bleed the person I was currently infatuated with on to the paper. While on occasions my heart bled a little too. Reams and reams of analysing what I said, what he said. What I did, what he didn’t do and why. Yawn! Nowadays, I like to bleed on to the paper pictures that are in my imagination, or experiences I have lived and learned from.
Heavy on solitude
I love solitude — give me a bucket load of it. I find it helps me write, learn, grow, heal — be me. Also, I like the solitude to be as silent as possible…
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together; that at length they may emerge, full-formed and majestic, into the daylight of Life, which they are thenceforth to rule.
And I agree with him. Many people tend to babble on about what they are doing, or thinking of doing, but never actually do! Perhaps they should try to hush their voice and quietly ponder for a while… and maybe they will find that silence is golden. I haven’t always been like this. When I was a teen I loved to have my favourite records playing and was almost scared of quietness. But with age, I learned that I actually enjoy my own company and listening to my thoughts. I realised that solitude and silence were things I craved. Too much noise can overstimulate me, and then I need to retreat for a while.
Thank you to Diana C. for the prompt below — self reflection can take a person out of their comfort zone but this in turn enables them to grow…
More from May…