Redefining What It Means To Be Productive

I’ve unfortunately developed a bit of an obsession with YouTube during the quarantine. I can’t tell you how many items in my home were purchased after watching a video. No, really, I can’t. I’ve lost count. And while I weirdly enjoy watching people clean and organize their homes, put on makeup, and prepare food, I’ve noticed a certain trend since the pandemic started.

There is no shortage of videos called something like, “How to be productive in quarantine” or “Healthy 5 a.m. routine while in quarantine,” with people showing pristine homes, Instagrammable meals, and at-home workouts. And it’s not just people without kids. Even the mom YouTubers seem to have it all together.

I mean, good on them for staying on top of their stuff, but that is so far from my reality at the moment.

My sink has not gone more than five minutes without dishes in it, beds are only sometimes made, I’ve worn the same shirt for three days, and my hair is now permanently stuck in a bun.

But here’s the thing. I know I feel better when I have a productive day. Feeling productive is a big part of me feeling fulfilled and setting my future self up for success.

But I never really thought much about what being productive means. It’s sort of like porn. You know it when you see it.

All I know is that when I don’t feel productive, I feel awful. When there’s a disconnect between who I want to be and who I am I feel unfulfilled and down. The larger the disconnect, the worse I feel.

But, becoming a parent combined with a global pandemic and the Internet’s unrealistic standards have forced me to challenge my beliefs and rethink what it means to be productive. Because the reality is, I no longer have the time to do the things I used to do. And, sometimes when I do have the time, I just don’t feel like it.

My productivity evolution

The secret to happiness is low expectations, especially when you become a parent. So when I became a parent five years ago, I realized I had to either redefine what it meant to be productive or feel perpetually behind in life.

If I’m being honest, for a long time I didn’t truly feel productive unless I did something related to my career or that could lead to income. Taking care of myself, the house and the kids didn’t feel like enough.

If all I had accomplished for the day was keeping the house clean, working out, playing with my kids, listening to their upsets, and mediating their conflicts, I wouldn’t necessarily feel productive. Each of those individual accomplishments simply blurred together as the day to day grind of life.

And as important as they are, taking care of the home, yourself, and the emotional needs of your kids isn’t often acknowledged. Kids don’t tend to say, “Thanks for meeting my emotional needs mama.” Instead, they complain that the other kid got a little more milk than them.

And for some reason, without any acknowledgment or paycheck, it never felt like enough.

But I was sick of feeling like I was always behind. Barely doing enough to get through the day but never getting ahead.

I realized I was thinking about productivity all wrong. I bought what the Internet was selling. That being productive means using every waking moment to get stuff done. To learn a language or start a business or write a book or train for a marathon. I thought being productive looked a certain way.

But I was wrong.

Being productive is about how you choose to spend your time. It’s not about getting more done. It has everything to do with what you need and what you want and nothing to do with what others are doing.

When I stepped back and thought about each accomplishment in my day — a clean home, a 10-minute workout, each tantrum that I calmly listened to, each conflict that I mediated without losing it, every time I shared a laugh with my kids — that was productive.

Then Coronavirus happened. And suddenly I was quarantined at home with two toddlers every second of every day. And my definition of productive had to change yet again.

The shift in my beliefs about what a productive day looks like made me realize that there’s no one right way to be productive. Being productive doesn’t look the same for everyone. It also made me realize that what it means to be productive can change over time or even from one day to the next.

So if feeling productive is important to you, here are some tips to help you figure out what being productive might look like for you.

1. Know that being productive is not one-size-fits-all

I think we’ve been fed a lie that productivity looks a certain way. That it’s about “getting stuff done.”

But being productive is not one-size-fits-all. It’s up to each of us to decide what being productive means. No one can tell you what that means for your own life. For one person a productive day may mean waking up at 5 a.m. but that doesn’t mean that’s what it has to look like for you. It may mean learning a new hobby or writing an outline for a book, or it may mean taking a shower and changing your shirt after three days.

For me, right now, feeling productive looks like being present with my kids, or practicing self-care, or cleaning the house. That’s a good day. For you, it might look completely different. There’s no right or wrong.

If you have checked in with yourself and know what your values are and who you want to be, anything you do that gets you closer to that is productive.

There’s nothing wrong with looking to other people’s routines and habits for inspiration in your own life, but don’t feel bad if your day doesn’t look like someone else’s. Figure out what works for you given your reality. How can you do that?

2. Let your values, goals, and priorities guide you each day

What are your values? What are your priorities and goals? What does your happy, future self look like and what do you need to do each day to get there? Let that guide your actions instead of what the Internet says you should do

Get clear on what your values, goals, and priorities are and then get intentional about how you spend your time so that your choices are aligned with those values and priorities.

My values don’t often change, but my priorities do. For me, being productive one day may mean having fun and playing with my kids. One day it may mean letting my kids watch TV all day so I can clean the house or do absolutely nothing. Another day it may mean deep cleaning the floors and bathrooms. Another day it may be working on my blog. The important thing is that whether I feel productive has everything to do with what matters to me each day and nothing to do with what social media or anyone else says.

Some may tell you to stop trying to be productive altogether because it only adds extra pressure and stress that is counterproductive during an already difficult time. Valid point. But that view assumes that to be productive you must be “inventing something or coming up with the next big business idea or doing something great that’s going to be worthy of time spent at home.” In other words, being productive looks a certain way. Those expectations may be completely counterproductive to many of us, myself included. But it may be completely doable and productive to someone else.

Instead of abandoning productivity altogether, I would challenge you instead to simply redefine what it means to be productive based on your own needs and wants.

“The benefits of goals aren’t in achieving them, it’s that they give us direction and meaning.” Mark Manson

As author, Mark Manson, puts it, keeping a long-term vision for ourselves gives us something meaningful to focus on. Without maintaining some level of forward-thinking, we can become consumed by the weight of today’s problems. And there are a lot of problems these days.

But if we can seek clarity about what matters to us, we can gain perspective on our life’s larger purpose. When we use that clarity to then get intentional with our time, we can begin to feel hopeful about tomorrow. These days, we need all the hope we can get.

The point is to get clear on what is right for you. There’s no shame in trying to push through the “I don’t feel like it” blues that are inevitable when our routines are thwarted, and we’re cooped up at home for an unknown period of time with too many snacks and not enough toilet paper. There’s equally no shame in taking a step back and focusing on your mental health for a while.

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself

Once you’ve decided what goals are important to you, you might be struggling to stay on top of them. Rest assured you’re not alone. Even in ordinary times, once the initial excitement and motivation that accompanies our goals wear off, there will always come a point when we don’t feel like doing what it takes each day. There will always be some struggle associated with whatever it is we are trying to achieve.

Right now, the struggle is one we haven’t faced before. But we can choose to see this pandemic, the complimentary quarantine it comes with, the social isolation, having toddlers in your face 24/7, as simply another challenge that we must push through if we want to move our goals forward and grow.

Although these are not ordinary times, the fact that we don’t feel like working out or doing what we know we need to in order to reach our goals is completely ordinary. That’s just how it is. Whether it’s a pandemic or something else, there will always be something that makes reaching our goals hard.

Because the challenges we face now are unique and plentiful, give yourself grace to not always get it right or live your best life every day.

But despite the added challenges, if you are clear on your values and priorities then you can be intentional about your days. Think about what you can realistically do each day to get you closer to your goals and priorities. Emphasis on what you can realistically do.

Use some of the extra time at home to be still, in solitude, and listen to your body’s cues so you can know what it is you want and need. If taking a day or two to do what makes you feel good — binge-watching Netflix, having an at-home spa day, baking, going for a walk, taking a nap — is what will help you recharge and feel ready to tackle your goals then know that taking care of yourself and your mental health is the most productive thing you can do.

· Related: 8 Self-Care Projects To Work on During Quarantine

3. When what productive looks like changes, let yourself grieve what you lost

I currently have barely any alone time. That’s just how life is right now. There’s no space to breathe. I don’t do well like that. I need to be able to do things that help me feel like myself and not just a mom. I like being needed but hate being needed every second of the day. Anyone else daydreaming about escaping to a place devoid of any other humans? No? Me neither.

But for the first few weeks of quarantine, I tried to make the best of the situation. I kept up with my old routine of writing and staying active while adjusting to full-time parenthood with a new schedule and daily activities for the kids. I’ve never had so much baking soda, vinegar, corn starch, and food coloring in my house. If you know you know.

But it wasn’t sustainable, and I regressed into simply trying to survive the day and not doing much of what made me feel like myself before. That led to me feeling depleted and on edge instead of calm and centered.

As much as I tried to carry on as if everything were fine, with each passing day I felt more exhausted and defeated. Not only was I struggling to adjust to full-time parenthood while trapped at home and living under a cloud of uncertainty, I was also grieving what I had before the pandemic. The routine I had, the time to myself, the space to just be me, the face-to-face connection with friends, the beach, having enough toilet paper.

And while I’m so grateful for the unexpected blessings that have come from quarantine — like spending more time as a family, slowing down, being more present, and potty training my son — I had to be honest with myself that I did lose something and it was okay to grieve that loss.

· Related: If you’re hitting a wall, you’re not alone

But after acknowledging that grief and allowing myself to feel it, I had to make a choice. Rather than surrender to what was out of my control and simply stop trying, I chose to take control and get intentional about the time I do have.

Dealing with this pandemic and quarantine life is going to be the new normal for a while. But there’s no need to completely let go of our goals simply because the circumstances have changed.

Let’s instead adapt by adopting a new standard of productivity that works for us. Let’s create a new routine that blends our new definition of productivity into our current reality.

For example, I used to write a blog post in two or three hours. Now, it’s taken me two or three weeks to write one post because at most I have 10 to 15 minutes to write in a day. It’s different but doable. And instead of relying on going out or on play dates with my kids, I’ve had to get creative at home with fort building, glow in the dark parties, and rainbow volcanoes. As challenging as it is at times, it’s also been the birthplace of deeper connection. And some days, the best thing for me to do has been to focus on my mental health, let go of all expectations, and embrace hours of screen time.

For me, personal growth is one of my values. Because of that, trying to continue to work toward that goal doesn’t stop because we’re in a pandemic. Is it harder? Absolutely. Impossible? Not at all. But that’s just me.

“Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for.” Mark Manson

If feeling productive is important to you because it gives you a sense of purpose, then take the time to create your definition of productivity. Don’t let the Internet tell you what a productive day needs to look like. And don’t let my story be yours. Ask yourself what your values, goals, and priorities are and then be intentional about each day to get you closer — whether that’s laughing with your kids, going outside, building a new skill, decluttering your closet, writing your book, or simply making your bed.

Be realistic and give yourself grace. Push yourself if your values call for that. Take a break if that’s what you need. Just do you.