Red Flags: Hidden Signs Of Abuse In A Relationship

Not all scars are visible, not all abuse is obvious

Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can sometimes hurt the deepest. Abuse is not always physical. Sometimes the emotional damage inflicted upon someone can take years of therapy and healing to undo.

I have always considered myself to be a strong, independent, and educated woman. So, no one was more shocked than I was when I became a victim of emotional and physical abuse. Abuse that was handed out so frequently, yet so slowly, that I morphed into a completely different person, little by little, without noticing.

It happened so extremely slowly. I was so blind to it that I actually didn’t notice for a year or two that it was even happening at all. It happened so sneakily and with stealth. It’s actually terrifying to me now how quickly he was able to change who I was as a person.

I have come back into a version of the old me for the most part. Some parts of me will never come back alive or be fully trusting of others. The worst part of the whole situation is that the abusive behavior did not end with me. Seeing how the abuse was affecting my children was finally the straw that broke the camel’s back. Then I remembered who I was and the game changed.

She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings. — Atticus

I was fresh out of a divorce with two small children. Overwhelmed, scared and lonely, I made the perfect prey for someone like him. I had a low paying job and was living with my parents again while I tried to get back on my feet. My self esteem was at an all time low after years of being in a bad marriage. My first husband was not a bad man, but we married too young and he developed an addiction problem. I got pregnant at 19 and married him at 20. I grew up immediately when my daughter was born. He did not. He eventually partied his way into an addiction that endangered all of us, so I had to leave.

My second husband jumped on the clear opportunity when he met me. At the time, I thought of myself as hardened, but I was still naive as hell. I blossomed under his attention. He made me feel wanted and attractive. He charmed my kids. He won over my friends. He fooled all of us.

Name Calling

It didn’t take long before him to start calling every woman he saw a slut. Pretty soon, he called me that during every fight along with many other derogatory and mysoginistic terms. I learned really quickly, through the things he said in anger, that he thought all women were cheating, dirty whores. He blamed all women for his mother cheating on his father a long time ago.

Isolation

Pretty soon, he had an issue of some kind with all of my friends. This friend just got a divorce, that one was a slut, this one’s husband didn’t like him, etc. Within two years, my big pile of friends that I was so proud of and had maintained since childhood was whittled down to one I could actually see and hang out with.

Jealousy

He became intensely jealous after we married. Male friends that I had in my life for decades were suddenly not allowed to stay my friends anymore. He convinced me that he knew what men wanted and would make me feel like a slut for daring to have a platonic relationship with a male. He made me feel stupid for daring to believe in their innocent motives.

I am ashamed to admit that I let him manipulate me into thinking my friendships were wrong.

Control

Bit by bit, an abuser will take over all control of your life. In my case, it started with my liberties, then progressed quickly to include my money. After that, it quickly escalated to include almost every decision I made, including my clothing.

Before I knew it, he was controlling every aspect of my life. From who I was friends with to my money to when I saw my family, I was a tiny, pathetic country being run by a power hungry dictator.

Temper

I had always been taught abuse was physical. No one warned me that almost all abusive behavior starts with manipulation, control and verbal assaults before it escalates into the physical. I found that out the hard way.

The first time, I blamed it on myself. I found myself apologizing for causing him to lose his temper. I am ashamed to admit, looking back, that I did this more than a few times. Then I realized that I am not to blame, under any circumstances, for the bad behaviors of others, much less abusive or toxic behaviors.

It has been many years since I left this marriage and my life has drastically improved for both myself and my children. Still, we all have scars from that time of our lives and the guilt I carry is heavy at times. My current husband is amazing and patient with all of us. Together, we are learning to claim our worth and live our lives happier than ever.