Recovering My Sanity After Alcoholism And Domestic Abuse
Disastrous First Marriage
My father was an alcoholic. He was never violent, and most of his drinking was done at a small bar. I knew we didn’t have a lot of money, but I did not realize my father had a drinking problem until I was about 16 years old. He did get sober when I was 18 and stayed sober until his death. I loved him, and he loved me.
I Married An Alcoholic — What A Surprise!
I married an alcoholic at 18 years old. I believe he was a binge drinker over several years of our marriage. During the months when he wasn’t drinking our life was good. He was a good husband, good provider and good father to our three sons. Everything changed when he drank more.
Eventually, he started drinking much more often, and he became abusive. The abuse started out as verbal, but developed into physical abuse. At that time I was trying to finish getting my nursing degree.
Hope For His Recovery
Finally, he started going to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) after a brief time in a rehab facility, but he still didn’t stay sober for long.
I hid our problems from everyone I could. I didn’t even tell my family, although the close neighbors had to know. A man from AA who was trying to help my husband suggested I go to Alanon.
Hope For My Recovery
The first Alanon meeting I attended probably had 25 people. I was overwhelmed and didn’t talk to anyone. I shot out of the door the minute the meeting ended. Next, I attended a meeting further from my home that had about 10 people. I still didn’t talk.
In the third meeting a little old lady told this story. She said she hated hearing her husband pop the top off of his beer all the time. One evening he kept drinking until he passed out in his recliner. She took a broom and beat him all over his body. He didn’t even wake up. The next morning he was rubbing his arms and said he must have fallen as he was sore all over. He never knew what she had done.
That was when I knew I was in the right place. I understood that anger!
Time of Indecision
I was tired of living with fear, tired of getting physically abused, and I didn’t know what to do. I was not in the position to financially support my boys at this time, and I knew if I got out of this marriage I could not trust him to support the family.
During this time I went to a fortune teller. She told me I was born under a lucky star. Are you freaking kidding me?
My Alanon Experience
I was told to get a sponsor and to start working the Alanon 12 Steps. I went to some more meetings, and I did ask a lady to be my sponsor. She was probably 15 years older than me, and she had been in Alanon for several years. I liked her.
At this time I still didn’t talk in the meetings, but I did talk to my sponsor. She was like a safe space. She can’t tell anyone else what I tell her, so finally I had someone to talk to about what was happening in my home.
Working the first few steps came next.
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I knew my life was unmanageable, so that step was no problem. I had always believed in God, but I thought he was just in Heaven watching us run around like ants in a maze. I just didn’t see how a Power greater than myself could help me.
I continued to go to meetings, and I refused to argue with my husband. That seemed to make him madder at times, but it felt like a step to me. I did see a lawyer about a divorce.
Time For A Major Change
One night he came home and dragged me out of bed. I thought he was going to choke me to death, but I survived. I covered up the bruises with makeup. He said I wasn’t abused as I did not have to go to the hospital. That is wrong!
Domestic Abuse In The U.S.
Statistically in the U.S., “1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing) and in some cases might not be considered ‘domestic violence.’ ”
Making New Decisions
Verbal, physical or sexual abuse of any kind is wrong. I told my husband to leave, and that I wanted a divorce. Then, I got a restraining order.
I graduated from college and passed the state board test for my RN license. I also worked on the fourth step
3. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
4. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
When I finished the fourth step I met with my sponsor, She laughed at me! The inventory I wrote was one including all my husband’s wrongs. The fourth step clearly says a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. So, I started over.
Emotional Growth
This time I really took a good look at myself, starting with teenage behaviors. I wanted to heal and learn to forgive. I didn’t want to be angry all the time, and I especially didn’t want to live with so much fear. I was afraid to go to bed at night. This inventory was much improved according to my sponsor.
After the divorce I felt like I was healing. I continued attending Alanon meetings, and I made several friends. I didn’t have to keep so many secrets now. I continued to work all the rest of the steps. I just wanted to feel whole.
Life Today
I stayed in Alanon and worked the steps to the best of my ability. I finally had what I would call a spiritual awakening. I truly turned my life and will over to God. I had never felt so free! I was happy and not fearful anymore.
I had a good job, and life was good. My first husband disappeared, so he didn’t pay child support ever. I didn’t care as life was peaceful. The boys seemed happy that he was gone, and they all did well in life. Eventually, I remarried a wonderful man, and we are still together.
If you are living with a violent man or women, find a way out. Life will get better, I promise, but you have to get away first.
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