Recovering Helicopter Mom Mantras
How To Resist The Urge to Intervene Too Much In Your Child’s Life
With the current college admissions scandal consuming U.S. headlines, I can’t help but think how damaging the actions of these priveleged parents are to the children, the little people they think they are helping with their dishonest tactics.
Why We Should Resist the Urge to Intervene in Our Children’s Lives
Whether it is the latest research on the advantages of having a growth mindset or the benefits of mistake-driven learning, the advantages of letting our children try difficult tasks and fail are clear.
With consistent effort and the courage to take a risk, we can gradually expand our confidence.
Source: Use It Or Lose It: The Science Behind Self-Confidence
Actions lead to confidence and not the other way around. If our children do not learn to do things for themselves, they will not develop confidence in their own abilities.
When children do not actually play the sport that gets them recruited to an elite college in the first place, they are unable to develop the confidence that results from repeated practice and growth.
It is hard to resist the urge to interfere in your child’s learning. I know. I struggle with my helicopter mom tendencies every day.
If you struggle, too, repeat the following mantras on a daily basis and you will soon be able to better resist these impulses.
1. Children Complete School Projects/Assignments, Not Parents
The person who does the work is the only one who learns. — Harry Wong, The First Days of School: How to Be an Effective Teacher
I used to commandeer my son’s scissors and straighten the edges after he had a go at cutting. Or, I would grab his crayons to color in some of the white areas he missed.
Now, I repeat Harry Wong’s mantra in my head. I sit on my hands for good measure. And, I smile serenely as he colors his gingerbread man purple and cuts off his legs by mistake.
So my fellow moms, when you see your child drawing a ninja superhero for his homework assignment about community helpers, resist the urge to draw the best police officer in the class instead (his college admissions chances do not depend on this activity).
2. Mistakes are good. They help your brain grow.
Did you know you can stretch and grow your own brain? Or that making mistakes is one of the best ways your brain learns? — Dr JoAnn Deak
Dr. Joann Deak explains how this works in her children’s book, Your Fantastic Elastic Brain.
This is a fantastic book to read with children. It explains how the brain works in simple language and shows that the brain is like a muscle, the more you try new things without giving up, the more your brain will stretch and grow.
My eldest son completes two online math tasks each week. I used to be really hard on him when he made mistakes. 7 out of 10 was just not good enough for me.
When I changed my perspective on mistakes, I changed the way I spoke to him about his errors.
Now, I bite my tongue before I say something I will regret. Then, I take a deep breath. Finally, I ask, “What did you learn when you made that mistake?”
My son is even harder on himself then I am. I remind him that mistakes show us what we still need to learn.
A man’s mistakes are his portals of discovery. — James Joyce
If we don’t make mistakes when we are engaged on a task, it just shows that the task is too easy for us. Mistakes help us grow.
I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something. — Neil Gaiman
3. Praise the perserverence not the child.
Praise children for what they do, not who they are. — The Atlantic
Resist the urge to praise your child for things that come easily to him/her. Avoid giving general praise like, “What a clever boy/girl!”
Instead, praise his/her perserverence on a hard task. Praise the effort he/she puts into something.
In a long term study to be published in the journal Child Development, researchers from Stanford and University of Chicago, found that the children who were praised more for what they did than who they were ended up being more equipped to take on challenges.
4. Allow Kids to do Dangerous Things
In Gever Tulley’s TedTalk, “Five Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Children Do”, he warns that:
When we round every corner and eliminate every sharp object, every pokey bit in the world, then the first time that kids come in contact with anything sharp, or not made out of round plastic, they’ll hurt themselves with it. So, as the boundaries of what we determine as the safety zone grow ever smaller, we cut off our children from valuable opportunities to learn how to interact with the world around them. — Gever Tulley
After watching this Ted Talk, my children and I took apart an appliance together. I was inspired by his notion of tinkering to learn about the world. You can read about it here:
I now allow my children to use knives when they help me in the kitchen. I am amazed how carefully they use sharp implements. They love that I trust them enough to use these tools appropriately.
When my youngest climbs to the top of the tree at the bus stop, I now repeat mantra #4 in my head and refrain from panicking.
5. Give the gift of Independence
Independence is not something that your children can gain on their own. They have neither the perspective, experience, nor skills to develop independence separately from you. Rather, it is a gift you give your children that they will cherish and benefit from their entire lives.
Recently, my son’s friends have started asking him to play out. My first instinct was to say “no”. If he was playing out in the field near our house, I wouldn’t be able to see him. What if he got hurt, or in trouble, or damaged someone’s property?
After reflection, I decided that my son was responsible enough to play out for short periods of time.
I got him a watch and showed him how to use it. If he wants to play out, he must return at the designated time.
We have discussed my concerns and he assures me he will be responsible for his actions. He knows that he will lose the privelege of playing out if he does not respect the rules we have established.
My son loves the fact that I trust him enough to play out with his friends. This is the one activity he looks forward to most each weekend. When he returns and tells me about the ‘wolf’ den they created or the Pokemon game they invented, I know I made the right decision in trusting him.
Are you ready to take a step back from helicopter parenting? Repeat these mantras daily and you will be amazed how your children thrive.
