Recovering from years with a covert narcissist

What worked for me, what didn’t

Narcissistic abuse by a spouse or intimate partner is actually a form of domestic violence. Here is an extract from the United Nations definition of domestic abuse:

Do you…

• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may behave?
• Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behaviour?
• Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
• Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
• Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

They advise “If any of these things are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without help, the abuse will continue. Making that first call to seek help is a courageous step.”

Once you have left, the music doesn’t stop. It’s rinse and repeat, just from a distance. Plus they have to adjust their playbook to hurt you in new ways if they can’t actually get to you personally.

And let’s not forget the coup de grace: the hoovering attempts to get you back! The puppy dog eyes, the quivering lips, the tear that almost gets produced, the promises, lies and future-faking.

Recovering from living with a narcissist was a real roller-coaster ride for me. Looking back, some things helped and others had no effect. I’d like to share the things that helped me in case they are helpful to others.

Know you probably have PTSD

It is increasingly being recognised that people who have suffered living with a narcissist for any length of time actually have a form of post traumatic stress. PTSD means that you will suffer from “flashbacks” and cognitive dissonance.

It stops you from recognising healthy behaviour by others, or being spooked or surprised by it, as it is so out of context with what you have been trained to expect.

People with PTSD need professional help to deal with their limiting beliefs around healthy relationships, and to develop healthy responses.

The obvious one: Go No Contact

This is a MUST. Block them on your phone and social media. Tell them to only contact you through a trusted middle-man such as a family member or lawyer. Expect them to not take it well but you MUST ignore their attempts to contact you directly. Be strong and consistent with this to protect you and your peace of mind.

This will force them to moderate their behaviour when dealing through a proxy which will filter out all their “noise”.

Learn what you can about narcissism.

I listened to every podcast I could and read articles like this one to gain some perspective on what I had suffered, and what I was dealing with.

Once you realise that it wasn’t your fault, you can start to find some inner peace. Here’s a couple of video podcasts I found especially helpful:

The Narcissist Code by Lee Hammock Lee is a clinically diagnosed narcissist (there aren’t many of them around!) who has dedicated a video channel to validate the victims and survivors of toxic people. Lee gives his listeners an inside view of a narcissist’s mind. So rather than give you the academic research or anecdotal third-hand evidence, insights come straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.

Dr Ramini — Dr Ramini is a US-based clinical psychologist who specialises in narcissists. She generally interviews narcissistic victims and listening to their stories helped me get my own situation into perspective, and understand it better. It was Dr Ramini’s podcast that helped me understand I had married a covert narcissist. She also helps you get clear on definitions: narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a diagnosis. Narcissism is a behaviour, and a narcissist is someone who exhibits that behaviour. Most people with NPD don’t seek a diagnosis, because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.

Get Therapy

Therapy helped me a great deal.

My first therapist was a “Schema Therapist”. She helped me understand why I reacted the way I did under certain stressful situations. I used her to avoid turning up in my future relationships in such a way that I fell into the same traps. However, she didn’t have a lot of expertise in complex PTSD caused by long-term narcissistic abuse.

My second therapist specialised only in narcissistic abuse. Just talking to someone who “got it” was freeing. The therapist was also able to help me navigate dealing with my ex, by explaining what, based on what was happening, would probably happen next. In this way, I could prepare, tighten my playbook and harden up.

Talking to a qualified professional experienced in exactly your type of trauma is also a great outlet for the grief, anger and self-recrimination you may feel. Talking to your family and friends may work for some, it did for me, but be careful it’s not a conversation they get sick of hearing.

And don’t expect them to understand. They can’t, unless they have been in it.

There are also other ways of getting therapy. Writing these articles is mine, for example, as trying to help others helps me also.

Understand the Trauma Bond

The “trauma bond” is what keeps us bound to our abuser. They dole out what made you fall in love with them just enough to keep you hanging around hoping to see that glimpse of it again.

They treat you badly and then have a sixth sense for when you are about to leave. Then the love bombing starts again to bring you back until they feel you are under their control again, and the abuse starts up again.

It’s a bit like enduring a beating just so you can enjoy when it stops.

Harden Your Heart

REMEMBER all the shitty things they did to you. Write them down, keep a journal, whatever works. There’s nothing like seeing them all in one list to harden the heart.

And when you find yourself feeling sorry for them, pull that list out and read it. Again and again, over and over.

Clean House

I left with the clothes on my back. I wanted none of the furniture and chattels, nor the gifts he gave me-they are tethered reminders of your ex.

Get rid of the negative energy attached to possessions you had jointly by clearing them energetically or better yet, chucking them out. Burn them, even chanting “begone from my life, you POS”.

I also bought a new wardrobe. Thrift stores have some great clothes for next to nothing, particularly if they are in an affluent suburb. Change your colour pallet, go brighter, lose weight and feel good about yourself.

Fill Your Days with Love, Light, Laughter and Meaning

For sure you will have lost contact with old friends. Set a plan to reconnect with the ones you miss.

Go visit a place you’ve always wanted to see but never could.

Get back on the horse. Get laid. Go out to dinner. Meet normal people and enjoy what it feels like to be treated with respect.

Plant flowers in your garden, or buy flowers for your house.

Entertain, meet your neighbours, join a club. Binge-watch Netflix, buy a bike, go fishing.

Just do what you enjoy doing. Jettison anything you don’t have to do, that you don’t enjoy. Indulge your hobbies and immerse yourself in them.

Give Yourself the Gift of Closure

I’m not fully here yet as I’m still processing my (relatively) new-found freedom. Right now I’m planning my new life. A vision board is a great tool to plan a new, brighter, better future as a way to close the door permanently on the past. Have fun with it, give yourself permission to plan things you never thought you could/would or afford to do. Vision boards, in my experience, have a habit of delivering on the impossible.

What Didn’t Work?

The things I didn’t try didn’t work for me. Recovery means getting outside your comfort zone and doing things differently. Once you have left, you will be on parallel tracks for a while: extricating yourself from that life, and creating a new one. I found that if I focussed on the future life track, eventually the old life track veered off and went somewhere else.

Good luck in your journey. For the benefit of others, please share what you have found worked for you.