How to come back from a major betrayal
Getting our hearts broken can be the start of a beautiful thing, but it takes courage and hard work to see that.
by: E.B. Johnson
Betrayal is a silent plague that creeps in when we least expect it, undermining all of our relationships little-by-little until we are isolated, hopeless and devoid of compassionate trust and understanding. Experiencing the disloyalty of a partner, friend or family member can feel like a death sentence and — in some ways — it is.
Discover how you can turn your betrayal into an important catalyst for change by getting to the root of your pain and creating a healing plan that you can stick. Bouncing back from a major betrayal of trust is never easy, but the process is a beautiful one that makes us stronger for the adversity.Overcome your heartache and learn how to live again by understanding your betrayal for what is and creating a better tomorrow for yourself.
The effects of betrayal.
Betrayal is defined as any sense of being harmed by the intentional actions or omissions of a trusted friend, family member or loved one. Most commonly, these betrayals take the form of disloyalty, infidelity or dishonesty; but sometimes, these breaches of trust can take the form of a harmful disclosure of confidential information. Though we often dismiss it as nothing more than “drama”, betrayals are serious and traumatic violations of our central ideals and convictions, the five general effects of which can be far-reaching and devastating.
Shock
For those a who have experienced the life-altering devastation of a major betrayal, it will come as no surprise that shock is one of the man side effects of a breach of faith. Just like PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), shocking relationship revelations can lead to serious consequences like PISD (Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder), not to mention the array of other physical and mental ailments that can arise as a result of the stress and shock caused by a betrayal of confidence.
Loss and grief
Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. Losing our trust is one such loss and it’s one that has to be mourned appropriately in order to be overcome. When our dreams are wrenched from us brutally as they are by betrayal, it can cause a deep sense of disorientation that can leave us feeling lost or hopeless, making unfair comparisons and stumbling blindly through a land of self-loathing and regret.
Self-defeating rumination
Negative experiences cause us to zero in on all the negative in our lives and focus on it in a way that is both unhealthy and self-defeating. When people ruminate, they overthink or obsess about things that they can’t alter or control, wasting time and wasting energy that could otherwise be spent on healing and recovery.
Diminished self-esteem
Because we personalize and internalize so much of the bad that happens around us, we often find ourselves asking “What did I do wrong?” when we get stabbed in the back or betrayed by someone we care about. This can lead to a diminished sense of self and a loss of self-confidence, both of which can be disastrous when you’re struggling to create a future that’s defined on your terms.
Anger
Anger is a natural response to betrayal, but it’s a dangerous emotion to hold onto and it’s an even more dangerous emotion to act on. While our anger can feel good in the moment, it masks our other feelings and blocks the targeted healing that’s so important in order for us to move on and move forward.Admitting to and confronting the pain behind your anger is essential, but it requires vulnerability and it requires residing in the moment with some other emotions that are less than pleasant.
The stages of recovering.
Understanding the side of effects of betrayal isn’t enough. In order to truly combat the damage done by a loss of faith or trust, we have to understand the stages of recovery in order to find the path to healing that works best for us.
Stage 1: Denial
Like grief or loss of any kind, the first stage of recalibrating after a major loss of trust is denial. Denial usually plays out through avoidance or addiction behaviors. We lose ourselves and do the best we can to numb the pain — pretending it doesn’t exist.
Stage 2: Recognition of loss
The culture we live in is often dismissive of emotional pain and this can cause us additional hardship when trying to overcome the devastating loss of a betrayal or infidelity. In order to heal from your loss, you have to recognize the loss, but that takes an acceptance that takes time to cultivate.
Stage 3: Pain, pain, pain
Once we’ve had a chance to acknowledge our situation the next stage involves an overwhelming wave of pain, which can often be difficult to bear.While this is often another stage we try to ignore, it’s an important stage that must be embraced in order to find your way back to joy and trust.
Stage 4: Anger sets in
The fourth stage of the recovery process is usually a bloom of indignant anger that is both empowering and limiting. Anger isn’t a good emotion, but it can be an important catalyst to recovery. While everyone has an “angry phase” it’s important not to act on the impulses inspired by our anger. In that way lies madness — and more conflict and heartache.
Stage 5: The illusion shed
After we’ve had some time to accept the new reality of our situation or relationship (and stewed in our anger and hurt for a little while) we come to the point where we shed our illusions and start to see the world for what it really is.
Stage 6: The shift
Once we’ve shed our illusions and accepted the world (and our circumstances) for what they are, we usually experience a substantial shift in perspective and attitude — which can be either a good thing or a bad thing. If you hold onto your doubts and ruminate in the past, the shift will be negative. If you stay focused on your future and the things you can control, it will be positive. The choice is yours, but you can only get to “the shift” once you’ve let the pain in and given yourself time to heal.
How to come back when you’ve been betrayed.
Coming back from the raw burn of betrayal isn’t easy. The healing process is a complex one and regaining our trust is never easy. It can be done, however, by focusing on a few foundational techniques that can help regenerate your confidence and re-instill your trust in the people you love.
1. Sit down and make a recovery plan
In order to recover from a betrayal, you have to have a general idea of where you’re going and what you need. The best way to design this is to take some time looking within and getting back in touch with that authentic self that once loved and trusted the world. Sit down and take some time to make a recovery plan that works for you and the goals you have for your future.
Remember: Betrayal says nothing about you and everything about the other person.Remove yourself from the betrayal and try not to dwell on the act itself, but rather how the action has made you feel. Focus on your emotions and what you need to deal with the situation. You can either forgive and forget or you can distance yourself and take more time to consider what you need and where you need to go.
Stumbling around blindly, clinging to our negative emotions, is not healthy. If you don’t know which direction you need to move in, reach out to a trusted friend or family member and test their perspective on the situation. Mindful journaling too can do a lot in helping you identify the steps you need to take in order to make the best of the situation. No one can define your healing but you. Take the time you need and make a plan that you can stick to.
2. Avoid retaliation
We’ve all heard the old adage, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” As much as we may not like to admit it (especially in the heated moment of our hurt) — this old proverb is true. When it comes to dealing with betrayal, revenge is never the right way to respond and it always, always results in more conflict.
Rather than moving from a place of anger, we have to allow ourselves move to a place of acceptance before we speak out or make an attempt to alleviate the negative emotions we’re feeling. Emotions are a strange and powerful things, and — though they often mask themselves under the guise of self-preservation — they can be self-defeating and prevent us from seeing the bigger picture or the things that really matter.
It’s easy to feel angry and make hasty decisions when we’re stuck in the eye of our emotions. Retaliation might feel nice in the moment but it always causes more grief and anger, and it also prevents you from getting to the root of your issues and resolving them so you can move on in an efficient and meaningful way.
3. Detach from the untrustworthy
Struggling with a major betrayal can make us doubt our other relationships.This worry can be corrosive and self-defeating, but sometimes it can be a useful natural instinct.
If you’ve just dealt with the crushing blow of betrayal, then sticking around with people you genuinely can’t trust is self-sabotaging. Detach from the untrustworthy people in your circle so that you can fully engage in the healing process that your true self needs so desperately in this moment. While you can’t control the behaviors and activities of others, you can control who you do and don’t spend time with. You deserve to be treatedwith respect and you deserve to be surrounded by people who want to see you thrive and do well.
If you’re surrounding yourself with more people that you cannot fully trust, you’re only setting yourself up for more heartbreak in the future. Take this major betrayal as a sign that it’s time to purge your life of the people who detract for your experience rather than adding to it. Spending time with people you can trust will keep you positive. Choose that path for a future that’s full of joy, happiness and general wellbeing.
4. Learn how to forgive (yourself)
Most self-help articles will tout the power of forgiving the people that hurt us, but too often they lose sight of the importance of forgiving ourselves.Suffering a betrayal doesn’t just result in a loss of trust in others. It results in a loss of trust in ourselves. When we suffer a betrayal, we often take that as a personal mark against who we are — coming to doubt ourselves in ways that are both toxic and self-defeating.
The true forgiveness you need to seek in the flaming wreckage of a betrayal is your own. As humans, we are prone to mistakes and missteps. No one is perfect and no one ever makes all the right choices in the right moments. Take this experience as the learning opportunity that is and have enough compassion with yourself to allow for upsets along the way.
Forgiving yourself does not mean accepting the mistakes you made or the pitfalls you fell into. It simply means detaching from the pain, bitterness and rage that’s buried deep, deep within you; eating away at who you are the future you have planned for yourself. Harboring hatred only stifles your progress. Forgive yourself and empower yourself to make the changes you need in your life and relationships.
5. Embrace your emotions
Learning about a heart-shattering betrayal can seriously alter our emotions and the way we see the world and our other relationships. If you’re not careful, the pain of betrayal can become a life-altering mess that undermines all the happiness, joy and success you have in your life. According to Dr. Carmen Harra, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, dealing with our emotions is the key to overcoming the hardship and difficulty of a major betrayal.
“In order to heal from betrayal and keep it from reoccurring in the future, you have to keep your emotions in check. If you obsess, you become stuck in the past. But if you can think logically and understand the need to move forward, you can master your emotions.” You can’t move forward unless you process the complex emotions brought up by a serious breach of trust, but that takes some radical self-acceptance and it takes some substantial courage. Take time to work through the shock, sadness, anger, hate and grief of what’s happened.
Let your feelings flow in the moment and let them come to you as they are with no need to alter them or shy away from them. Here again, mindful journalling practices are a great way to get in touch with your emotions in a safe and accepting space. Sit in a quiet space and stay rooted in the present as you reach into the emotions that are causing the most turmoil in your life. Make mindful observations and don’t be afraid to narrate how you’re feeling or what’s causing your emotions to rise and fall.
6. Stop playing the blame game
As humans, the blame game is one of our favorite go-to coping mechanisms, but it’s one of the most destructive and self-defeating habits out there and one that undermines our relationships as well.
When things go wrong, we love to blame ourselves (and everyone else too) as a means of distracting ourselves from the real issues and the real changes that need to take place.We project our bad feelings and emotions onto others in order to feel better about ourselves; and we even internalize the bad for others as a means of noble “self-sacrifice”. The blame game is one we know how to play well, but it’s a toxic pattern to fall into when you’re dealing with a heartbreak. Sometimes, there’s no one to blame and things just happen.
You have to accept that, though, and you also have to accept that sometimes our plans don’t work out the way we want them to. Stop blaming yourself and realize that you — as much as anyone else in the entire universe — is deserving of love, honesty and compassion. Unresolved guilt only causes anger and resentment, so take hold of your emotions and let go of your need to place the mantle of blame entirely on your own shoulders.
7. Find your faith again
Betrayal erodes our trust like the ocean wears away at the land. Your faith doesn’t become damaged in one day or one betrayal. It’s a process that takes time and, likewise, rebuilding your faith in people or relationships or yourself is a process that takes an equal amount of time.
Piece your faith back together little-by-little. At first, you’ll find it hard to trust anyone or anything (your own thoughts included) but slowly you’ll find your courage again and you’ll find the trust you thought was gone forever. Find others who have the faith you need to heal and surround yourself with people you can trust.
Slowly, you’ll redevelop a sense of confidence and you’ll start to see the good in others again. There are a sea of honest, loving people out there who want to be a part of your world but you have to heal to find them first. Give yourself time to rebuild your faith and have confidence that your process is the right one for you.
BONUS: The best affirmations to help rebuild your trust.
Putting ourselves back together after a breach of trust is a process that is mostly internal. In order to truly heal ourselves and rebuild the foundations of our faith we have to change the way we think and that often starts with changing that pesky inner voice.
Use these affirmations from Dr. Carmen Harra to help wipe away the lingering doubts in your mind and shift the way you think and feel about the pain and heartache you’re currently experiencing. Affirmations might seem like a silly exercise in futility, but they can do a lot to change our thinking and the way we talk with and deal with ourselves.
- I trust the people in my life fully; I have faith that they act with respect and genuine intentions towards me.
- I am free from the wrongdoing of others; I am unaffected by their behavior.
- I work well with others to set goals and reach accomplishments together.
- I trust in the good will of others and I know that kindness will prevail.
Use these affirmations (or the ones that apply to you) each morning when you wake up and speak them to yourself in a loud, clear voice. Waking up to these positive and faithful phrases each day can help reset your doubts and refocus your mind on the positive aspects of trust and the beautiful relationships you still have budding all around you.
Putting it all together…
In order to recover from a loss of trust, you have to let go of what could have been and start looking reality bravely in the face. Sit down and make a recovery plan, avoiding the blame game and forgiving yourself for the part you may have played or the decisions you made that led you to this moment.
Detach from untrustworthy people and find your faith again by giving yourself the time you need to heal. You can’t control other people, but you can control yourself and your future. Start making the decisions you need to thrive and face your pain like the strong, beautiful warrior that you are.Tomorrow is a new day. Embrace it and you’ll embrace happiness too. One mistake might break us, but it doesn’t make us. Keep going.
