Reconnect to Rescue Your Marriage Chapter 3

Summary

The web content discusses the importance of understanding and communication in rescuing a marriage, emphasizing the need for men to listen actively and comprehend their wives' perspectives on romance and relationship needs.

Abstract

The article "Reconnect to Rescue Your Marriage Chapter 3" addresses the common issue where men struggle to comprehend their wives' desires for more romance and better communication, often leading to marital discord. It suggests that men may not realize there is a problem until their wives threaten to leave, which prompts a frantic attempt to understand and fulfill their needs. The text highlights that the issue often lies in different interpretations of 'romance' and 'communication,' and men must learn to listen without defending their own views. The author, Dr. Laurie Weiss, recommends setting aside time to listen actively to the wife's needs, reflecting back what is heard to ensure understanding, and asking for clarification when necessary. This approach can lead to a deeper connection and potentially save a marriage. The article also promotes Weiss's series of books on happy relationships and provides links to her social media and websites for further engagement.

Opinions

The author believes that men often misunderstand their wives' requests for more romance and better communication, leading to unresolved marital issues.
Dr. Laurie Weiss suggests that men should learn the skill of active listening without immediately reacting or defending their own actions.
It is implied that men may think they are being romantic and communicative in ways that align with their own understanding, which may not align with their wives' expectations.
The article emphasizes that understanding and validation are key components of effective communication, and

What Does She Really Want?

I don’t know what my wife means by ‘more romance’ and ‘better communication!’

You are not the first man who doesn’t realize that there is a problem in his marriage, that is until his wife threatens to leave it because he just doesn’t give her what she needs. Then he is frantic to figure out how to keep her.

The problem is that you love her, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. Besides that, she doesn’t seem to appreciate how much you actually do for her. If you only could figure out what she wants, you would bend over backwards to do it.

When you don’t know how to communicate or be romantic the way your wife wants you to be, it’s important to find out, specifically, just what she really wants.

When you try to fix things by buying her beautiful gifts, she gets mad because it’s not in the budget. Then you try to tell her how she should appreciate your efforts and things only get worse. It’s almost as if the words she’s using are in a language you’ve never learned. They don’t seem to mean what you think they mean.

When your communication goes around in circles and nothing is ever settled you get scared. You try to figure out what to say next and you end up defending yourself over and over again. Meanwhile, she keeps trying to explain what she wants from you while you think you are already doing it. Even though you love each other, you are both frustrated because you can’t get through to each other.

If this is happening in your marriage, it’s time to try something new, a different type of communication. It’s time to try listening to her without talking about what you believe and what you think is right. Listening this way is a skill that anyone can learn, but it does take self-restraint. It will mean not defending yourself even when it clear that she doesn’t understand the situation.

She does understand the situation, she just understands it differently than you do. It’s now your new job to discover how she sees things instead of trying to make her understand how you see things.

You do this by telling her that you want to set aside some time, perhaps an hour, to try to understand what she wants by JUST LISTENING TO HER and not talking about yourself. That, by itself, may seem romantic, especially if you do it in a candlelit space.

Tell her that each time she speaks all you will do is check with her to see if you really “get it” by saying back to her what you think you heard her say to you. Her job is to tell you whether or not you got it right and if you didn’t then she should tell you again in a different way. Keep doing this until she is certain that you understand her meaning because she has heard you say it back to her.

NEVER just say “I understand.” Say what you understand. If you need clarification, it’s okay to say, “Can you tell me more about that?”

Once the guidelines are set, ask her to tell you several different things you could do that she would consider romantic. Keep listening carefully without agreeing to do anything. Just be sure you understand enough to actually do what she wishes sometime in the future. A good follow-up question is, “Is there anything else you would like me to understand?” You will be surprised, maybe even shocked, at what you learn. And you will feel closer to each other by the time the hour is up.

If you are really serious about saving your marriage, you’ll continue to have conversations in which you each learn to listen and really hear each other. Having these conversations may even help you create an extraordinarily loving and mutually supportive relationship.

If you like this, check out the 7 books about relationships in my Secrets of Happy Relationships Series.

Dr. Laurie Weiss has been changing the lives of women and men for over 50 years. She is an internationally known psychotherapist and author of 13 books. Otherwise she is a wife (60 years), mother of 2, grandmother of 5, and enjoys reading, aquacize, cooking, travel, and doing almost anything while sitting outside on her back patio.