Rebuilding The Walls

Re-establishing Some Well Needed Boundaries In Your Life

Boundaries in our lives ensure the security and moral integrity of each person’s humanity.

Too many of us endure the tortured existence of constantly feeling violated — disrespected, ignored, verbally and mentally abused. Only because your boundaries are not being respected. Unfortunately, many of us have accepted the situation. But that has not removed the pain you suffer daily.

Do you wish that your child would not barge into your bedroom, or take money from your wallet? Would you prefer that your friend do not read your messages on your phone? Do you want your sister to ask permission before she wears your sweater? Does it irk you that your brother takes the family car without caring that you may have needed to use it? Have you put up for too long with someone who does not speak to you in a way that leaves you feeling respected and dignified?

Many of us have allowed boundaries in our lives to become overrun, and totally destroyed. That leaves us in uncomfortable relationships with our family and friends. They keep doing things that offend us, but because we have let things slide for so long, it is now difficult to reign things in.

Change is not going to be easy. But change is absolutely necessary. The alternative is unthinkable. More days and years of silent, debilitating misery.

My Pastor recently raised the question of boundaries with us when she quoted the story of Nehemiah in the Bible. He was an exile in a foreign land who was the King’s Cupbearer, entrusted with the job of making sure that the king’s wine was safe from poison. His sad face prompted the king to ask if he was all right.

Nehemiah explained that he was sad because his native city was in ruins. The walls were broken down. The king knew how dangerous that situation was and agreed to give him time off and all the materials necessary to Rebuild The Walls of Jerusalem.

I pose my Pastor’s question to you today: What are some ‘destroyed walls’ situations that trouble you? How do you begin to rebuild?

First, Face The Truth

The first consideration is to make an honest evaluation of the situation. We sometimes feel that if we don’t talk about it, it’s not that bad. But talking about a condition does not make it worse. Don’t succumb to the fallacy that the situation is made worse because you are bringing the things out in the open.

Remember your motive. You are not doing this to cause trouble for or have contention with your loved one. Your aim is to correct the situation. And as painful as the truth is, you can never change what you refuse to confront.

So prepare to have an uncomfortable conversation. Pray about the situation, asking God to give you wisdom about what to say. Write down your speech. And ask God to prepare the heart of your loved one to receive your words. You will be speaking your truth in love, and that will make things easier. A wise man said, “Keep your words soft and wrap them in chocolate in case you have to eat them later”.

Begin with something like, “I love you, my (relation), and I am sure you love me too. Right?” This sets the tone for the conversation. Their instinctive response will be skepticism, their defenses will be up. Their mind will be saying, “What are you after with that opening?”

But today is the right time to deal with this. It has been going on for far too long. Putting it off for tomorrow will not make it any easier. Letting things remain status quo is only allowing the situation to continue to decline.

These are the 4 steps I believe you should follow to reset your boundaries — rebuild your walls.

1. Have the courage to take an honest evaluation of your situation. Do not ignore any person you interact with who frequently makes you feel disrespected, violated, or in any way uncomfortable. The operative word here is “frequently”. Identify what makes you feel uncomfortable about this person’s action. Is it words they use? Is it their tone? Is it a specific action that makes you feel violated? Write it down so you have it clear in your mind. You are not blaming someone else for anything. You are taking responsibility. Believe it or not, you are the one who taught this person to treat you that way. Now, they are learning “this” way.
2. Formulate the plan to re-establish your boundaries. This is for your peace of mind. It will also help your loved one. It is not fair to accuse someone of violating a boundary when you never established where that boundary is. After praying about it and making a note of what you need to communicate, you will have that conversation in which you will lovingly tell each loved one exactly what action you need for him or her to take. Focus on the action or behavior. Do not condemn the person. Say, “I feel upset when you do…” Never say, “You always do this, or you never …” (A good rule of thumb: A statement that begins with “You…” only brings up someone’s defenses since they feel under attack). A person cannot argue with your feelings. On the other hand, your opinion about what they did is always debatable.
3. Prepare and plan for resistance. This won’t be easy for your loved one either. They were perfectly happy with the way things were. No one wants to change. Their first response is going to be negative. That’s only natural. It does not mean they do not hear you, or will not change. But let your loved one know that you expect her to abide by your words because she loves you the same way you love her. Probe for understanding.
4. Commit to following through. Your loved one is going to (sometimes conveniently) “forget” and go back to the old routine. Warn each person what you will do if that mistake is made. That way you both understand. That is the essence of boundaries. Established lines that both parties agree not to cross.

Pray this with me: Dear LORD, thank you for the blessings of my life and these people you have given to bless my life. Please give me the courage to face the truth of my situation, not be paralyzed by guilt, but strengthened to take responsibility to begin this long process to rebuild. Give me the patience to realize that this will not be repaired overnight. Help me to speak the truth in love to my loved ones, and please prepare their heart to receive your word through me. As I endeavor to rebuild this wall in my life that will both enhance my peace and the maturity of my loved one, help me remember that you are with me. Your heart is touched by the things that trouble your children. Because you are our loving Father. In Jesus name, AMEN.