Summary

The author and her European husband, after much contemplation and experiencing various challenges in America, are considering leaving the country due to issues such as lack of universal healthcare, high anxiety levels, questionable societal values, the high cost of living, and a poor food culture.

Abstract

The author, along with her European husband and family, reflects on their time in America and the likelihood of their eventual departure due to dissatisfaction with several key aspects of American life. Despite initial excitement and the allure of American TV shows, their experiences with the healthcare system, the prevalent sense of anxiety, societal values that prioritize profit over community, and the exorbitant cost of living in a place that meets their quality of life standards have left them questioning their long-term future in the U.S. The article underscores the stark contrast between their expectations and the reality of raising a family in America, particularly when compared to their previous life in Europe.

Opinions

The U.S. medical system is difficult to navigate on a budget and is considered uncivilized for not providing equal care to all citizens.
America is perceived as having a constant undercurrent of anxiety, exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic.
The author criticizes American societal values for prioritizing individualism and profit over community and affordable healthcare and education.
The lack of support for parents in America, such as inadequate maternity leave and the focus on materialism over real-life struggles, is seen as detrimental to building a healthy society.
The high cost of living in America, especially in areas with good public schools and amenities, necessitates significant wealth to maintain a good quality of life.
The author views America's relationship with food as unhealthy and anxiety-inducing, lacking the enjoyment and quality found in European food culture.
Despite these criticisms, the family is grateful for the diverse experiences and opportunities, such as improved English proficiency for the children and entrepreneurial prospects.

Reasons Why My (European) Husband and I Will Eventually Leave America

And why we stay for now

Today, my husband and I sat down to discuss our five-year plan.

We just got back from a two-week trip to Mexico which got us thinking about our life in America, the price tag it came with, American values, and the point of it all. We came to a mutual conclusion that we didn’t want to remain in the States forever.

Two and a half years ago, I returned to the U.S. from Denmark with a Danish husband and his two daughters, all of them high on American TV shows and craving an adventure. Two weeks later, we found out I was pregnant. Three months later, Covid hit. Since then, our lives have taken every unimaginable turn, leaving us very well entertained but also exhausted and jaded.

As much as I loved New York, I couldn’t convince my family from the oh-so-civilized Denmark that the dirt, the noise, and the unreliable subway system were worth the high cost they came with. We couldn’t afford another bedroom that we desperately needed. Off to the West Coast we went.

Having resettled in Los Angeles, we were just about to take a breath of fresh air, when a homeless shelter opened up down the street from us. It turned out the going-out-with-classmates LA of my 20s was not as good of a place for me in my late 30s, with a family in tow.

We hung in there for as long as we could, but when a mad man chased my step-daughter down the street, we’ve had enough. We sucked it up and moved to Santa Monica, which turned out to be the best decision we’ve made since coming to America. It sucked every penny out of us, but at least it gave us an illusion of being in a European city once again, with good public schools, streets built for pedestrians, and bikes that ruled the roads.

Still, despite having settled in a place that suits most of our needs, we can’t help but wonder how long we can go on living here. The price tag alone makes you wonder.

Here are just some of the reasons why it’s likely that our days in the U.S. are numbered.

(A lack of) universal healthcare

Having to navigate the U.S. medical system for a family of five on the budget has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. I was both embarrassed and confused, trying to explain it to my European husband.

Having lived in England and Denmark, I can’t make any more excuses for the madness we call healthcare in America (I wrote about my husband’s impression of it here).

A government that can’t provide equal medical care to each of its citizens is simply not civilized.

A constant sense of anxiety

It took me a long time to understand that anxiety present in our American lives and attitudes was not a norm. After living in Europe, and especially after marrying a Dane, I began to see things from a different perspective.

Suddenly, I saw the nervousness of both American dogs and their owners. I heard the loudness with which people spoke around us and the hostility they had toward one another. I saw the sickening desire to succeed, even if it meant hurting others and ruining your health.

What was very obvious to my husband was news to me — America oozes anxiety. And with COVID, it all exploded.

While my husband and I actively cultivate our sanity, there’s only so much outside stimulation we can take.

We have to get out before we, too, become neurotic.

Questionable values

As my husband had a chance to witness, we in America are a backward society. While other governments prioritize affordable healthcare and education for their citizens, we prioritize profit. While others build their lives around communities, we cultivate individualism. And while others cultures are capable of enjoying their lives regardless of how much or how little they have, we in America can’t seem to ever have enough or enjoy anything.

And as a parent, I can’t seem but wonder why the most basic of all functions, having children, is also one of the most overlooked ones in America. Our maternity leave is a joke and more attention is given to matching sweaters and family portraits than to the real-life struggles of raising a child.

With no support from the government or communities, parents in the U.S. are stressed out and broke. And that is not a base from which to build a healthy society.

(Good) life is expensive

To recreate the quality of life we were used to back in Europe we had to move to a tiny city-within-a-city that is so expensive we might as well be in London.

From rent to coffee, we have to pay top American prices for everything to have access to good public schools, mild weather, a perfectly walkable neighborhood, usable (not just symbolic) bike lanes, and neighbors who don’t carry guns.

If you add up the costs of high American city rents, expensive (compared to Europe) groceries, enormous healthcare costs, and downright unaffordable education, you realize that to have a good life in America you need to be at least a little bit wealthy.

(A lack of) food culture

We in America have a messed-up relationship with food.

For all the fanciness of our giant supermarkets, I can’t remember when I last bought fruit that wasn’t an overpriced disappointment. For all our obsession with fat-free and gluten-free products, we’re one of the most obese and unhealthiest nations in the world. We oversweeten and oversalt. We abuse large sugary drinks. We eat on the go or, even worse, without leaving our cars.

While other countries were busy developing cuisines, we were growing food-related anxieties. We’re now scared of calories, carbs, gluten, dairy, white bread, GMOs, dyes, and everything in between.

We forgot that food should first and foremost be a source of enjoyment and not another source of fear and profit.

Affordable quaility food, in both stores and restaurants, is one of the things we miss the most about Europe.

Even though endlessly imperfect, America is our home for now and we’re grateful to have it. Going forward, we’ll be facing some tough decisions as the kids grow older. Price and quality of education will be a major factor for the now-baby and the teenage girls. And so will be the values we want our kids to inherit.

We’re not a success-focused family but a quality of life-focused one, so the shiny toys don’t attract us as much as a walk on the beach or a dinner with loved ones.

But for now, we’re here, making the most out of it. The older kids are getting the diverse experience they would never find in homogenous Denmark. Their English went from good to perfect. After moving across the Atlantic, then across America, and finally, across Los Angeles, they finally found the stability in a small city that they labeled “the closest to Denmark they’ve seen.” And we’re able to take an advantage of the entrepreneurial opportunities that America is so abundant with. And for that, we’re eternally grateful.