Reason #1 Not to be Afraid of Death: People Will Tell Nice Lies About You at Your Funeral

Regrets? Doubts? Fear? Forget about it.

An extended family member of mine died a couple weeks ago. It was sudden and unexpected. He literally just keeled over and died at barely 40 years old. I had seen him just a few months before.

Death has always made me think about life and my own mortality. I sat with these thoughts constantly for about a week. I wondered the typical things we wonder when someone dies; “What if I died tomorrow? Am I living my life to the fullest? What would I feel was missing if I didn’t have another day?”

To be clear, I am not afraid of death.

I have never been concerned about meeting my fate, and I am grateful for that. In fact, I partake in somewhat risky behavior on a regular basis- things that could, and often do, result in death- riding motorcycles, traveling alone to remote countries and rural places, etc.

So why are my feelings about it are so lax and nonchalant?

I think because I went to plenty of funerals as a kid, I got used to looking at the cold, lifeless bodies laying in those caskets.

“Death is as natural as life itself,” they said. People would cry and tell stories and say nice things about the person who died. Then when the quiet time was finally over, people would stand around talking, eating, and drinking, while us kids got to run around playing and doing whatever we wanted.

Since everyone was pretty distracted with the events, the kids kind of had a free-for-all without supervision, because there are more important things in life than disciplining the children.

Like mourning someone’s death.

Maybe this is what set the tone for my feelings about death and funerals- that there was some sense of freedom associated with it.

About a week after I learned of the death in my family, I was getting ready to attend the funeral and doing my normal morning routine before the service- exercise, reflection, learning. The course by Robin Sharma I was taking taught mostly about mastering your personal habits and maintaining consistency.

On some days during the program, there were suggested exercises for goal setting or introspection.

This day’s exercise was to journal about this question:

“What do you think people will say about you at your funeral?”

I paused for a moment. What are the chances that the day I am going to a young man’s wake, I am also asked to consider what my own wake would look like?

I sat with the question for a while, asking myself what I thought people might say about me. Well, technically I first thought about what people actually thought of the living version of me. Then I thought about the difference between that and what those people would actually say about a dead version of me.

Have you ever considered that people’s opinion of you now will probably never cross their lips after you have departed this life?

I would like to assume people would probably say good things about me at my wake. Nice things. Not just because one would hope people would say nice things. But does anyone really have the guts to speak badly about someone after their death, especially in front of a room full of their loved ones?

“E was blunt and brash. Always told you how it was in black and white, no candy coating, whether you wanted to hear it or not. It was not always great or easy to handle.”

Could you imagine?

The day I spent at the funeral was like you would expect- sad and difficult. But at the same time, it was also heartwarming. It is a terrible truth to realize that most of us will probably never be around to see a room overflowing with people who care about us, highlighting our best qualities or talking about how we touched their lives.

Why must we wait to have these meaningful moments until after someone dies?

Driving home that day I thought even harder about what I thought people might say about me when it’s my time. What do people say about me? How do I make people feel? About me, about themselves, about life?

I was down the rabbit hole before I came to the golden realization: maybe it doesn’t matter so much what people will say.

Because I will be dead and gone anyways, right?

These days it’s all about online persona, likes and followers, and overall image. But in the end, does any of that really matter? And even in the present, does any of it matter, right here, today, right now?

Thinking back about the funerals I attended as a youngster, I realize that none of the people in those caskets were suffering or sad. They weren’t crying or heartbroken like the people who filled the room. Some people die slowly and painfully, some quick and sudden. I wonder which is worse? Not being able to say goodbye, or having to suffer and not be able to do what you love during your last days?

I think both are terrible. But in some cases, death is liberation.

Through all the contemplating, I came to this conclusion

We should tell people how we feel about them. Express ourselves to those in our lives- whether bad or good. Don’t fake the funk. Don’t risk leaving the earth without letting people know how they impacted us, positively or negatively.

Live for yourself and nobody else. Let go of the doubt and fear and uncertainty and just let it ride. And when your final day comes, embrace it. Because many people will stand up on your behalf and say all the nice things about you that you always wished you knew.

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