Really Long Movies I’ve Never Seen

And probably never will

In the old days when I used to go to the cinema, I always checked the playing time before I went into the auditorium.

I’m a fidgeter you see. Not only is a long film agony for me, but agony for everyone else. You know the sort. The guy who can’t keep still, who can’t get comfy, who keeps crossing and uncrossing his legs, who continually scratches his head or ears.

That’s me!

For this reason, I always choose short movies, whether I’m in the theatre or at home. One hour thirty-six is my perfect running time (about the length of Planes, Trains and Automobiles). Two hours is my maximum.

The downside to this is that I’ve probably missed some great movies. Luckily though, at only 48, I’ve got time. So when I’m old and grey and confined to a wheelchair, these are some I might finally watch.

The Godfather (All 3 Parts) — Run Time: Hours and hours…

Film buffs will probably want to slap me for not having watched this. But I’ve never seen The Godfather. Too long. Especially the second one that comes in at 3:22. That’s a lot of popcorn.

True, I could break it up. But I hate doing that. For me a movie has to be watched in one sitting, otherwise it loses its gravity and power. If I keep going for breaks, I forget what’s happening. Plus, whenever I go for a pee in the cinema, I always miss that killer line that tells me what’s going on.

Gone with the Wind — Run Time: 3 hrs 58 mins

When I was a kid, my gran always went on and on about Gone With The Wind. Yet even now, I couldn’t tell you what it’s about, who’s in it, or when or where it was set.

All I know is that it’s extremely long, and given my grandmother was very much like me, I doubt she ever saw it. Did she really sit in the cinema in 1939 and watch a four-hour saga? When she could barely sit still to watch the weather forecast on TV. I doubt it.

Or perhaps it was one of those films people say they’ve seen, but haven’t, so as not to appear foolish when asked if they have. A bit like Apocalypse Now.

Apocalypse Now — Run Time: 2 hrs 33 mins

When I looked up the run time for this, I was surprised. I thought it was like ten hours long. Which is why I’ve never seen it. But I might be able to squeeze it into my evening now (just). Although two and a half hours still seems a bit long for a story based on a 112-page novella (The Heart of Darkness).

I’ll let you know.

The Hobbit (All Parts) — Run Time: 7 hrs 54 mins!

Come on Peter Jackson! You’re kidding me, right? 7 hrs 54 mins for The Hobbit! How did you manage that? The Lord of the Rings was always going to be long because it was a long book. But The Hobbit is only 310 pages. How did you manage to stretch it out for nearly eight hours?

The three original Bourne novels by Robert Ludlum take up over 1700 pages from start to finish, yet they managed to condense them into three two-hour films. And they were good!

I just don’t understand what Jackson was doing. Plus, he cast a British pantomime actor in the lead role. I doubt I’ll be watching this — even when I’m old.

Schindler’s List — Run Time: 3 hrs 15 mins

Joking aside, I do want to see this. I lived in Warsaw for two years between 1999 and 2001, and learnt a lot about the atrocities committed in the city. I saw Roman Polanski’s The Pianist (the movie based on the memoirs of Władysław Szpilman who miraculously survived the destruction of Warsaw) and thought it was superb. So Schindler’s List is a must for me at some point. (Memo to myself: reserve 3.5 hours soon.)

Ben Hur — Run Time: 3 hrs 32 mins

In truth, I’ve probably seen this. My dad used to watch it every Easter when it was on TV. But he always fell asleep halfway through, leaving Charlton Heston droning on in the background while I played with my toys. If I was ever asked, I could probably piece together the film from the snippets I remember from those afternoons. But don’t ask me to watch it again. I’m not sure I could take it.

Sátántangó — Run Time 7 hrs 19 mins

Not the longest film ever made, but this seven and a half hour Hungarian epic certainly keeps the popcorn vendor busy. It’s so long in fact that even in my old age, when my legs are useless, I’ll have to be strapped to my chair to stop me from escaping.

Saying that, when I read the movie's IMDB synopsis, I wanted to watch it.

On the eve of a large payment, residents of a collapsing collective farm see their plans turn into desolation when they discover that Irimiás, a former co-worker who they thought was dead, is returning to the community. (Imdb)

Seems intriguing, doesn’t it? And could be reserved for one of those very rainy dark days when I’m about 82. After all, what else am I going to do?

Thanks for reading, for more film stuff on Fanfare from me: