Real Talk on Pain After Your Dog Dies
It’s ok to feel how you feel
Dear Little Man,
That’s not your real name, I know. It’s the name I gave you. Your real name was lovely, but I always thought of you as our “little man”.
It hasn’t even been 24 hours and I miss you so much it hurts.
I woke up this morning — not even sure why. It’s the weekend and now you’re gone. And I didn’t need to take you outside for potty. I could have just gone back to sleep.
Instead, I came downstairs. I sat on the floor: right where you died. Yesterday, less than 24 hours ago. I wanted to feel you again. I put my hand out — where your head was. But that was yesterday. Today’s a different day. You’re not laying relaxed on your fluffy bed.
I don’t know where you are today. And that’s the hardest part.
I wrote these words in my first letter to my deceased dog; the day after he had to be put down.
I wrote to him because I didn’t know what else to do, except cry. And cry. And cry. I wanted to get a better understanding of what was really going on in me.
He lived a good, full life. He was old. He had multiple health problems and was obviously in pain. This was the natural next step.
But why was it so painful?!
It’s a pain I have been blessed not to feel before in my life.
I’ve known some degree of loss. I’ve grieved people I truly loved. But it’s never felt like this before.
I’m writing now to share parts of my feelings and experience because it’s been helpful for me to read others' experiences.
Mostly so that I know I’m not alone.
I hope these words help someone out there know you, too, are not alone.
Feel What Arises
It is more than ok to feel whatever you feel after the loss of your beloved furry friend.
For me, I felt devastated over the loss of our dog.
I cannot believe the sheer void I felt in the days after Little Man’s passing. That is the word I would use to describe it — I was living an embodied sense of it.
Void.
I know I’m not the only one. I let a trusted friend know our dog had passed. She had previously shared with me how difficult it was for her years prior when her dog died. When I mentioned this void to her — an emptiness that I cannot really explain — she immediately knew what I meant.
She had felt it too.
That doesn’t mean you have to feel a void: you feel whatever is true for you.
I simply mention this piece in case you feel something similar. Our society seems to understand the pain involved when close human family and friends pass on — but society doesn’t have a consensus on pets.
People seem to adopt a variety of grieving rules for non-human family members (aka, pets). Just because dogs cannot verbally speak to someone does not mean their hearts did not deeply connect. Any attachment means some type of bond was formed. It makes no difference if the being was human or animal. (We often forget, after all, that humans are animals too.)
Some folks don’t realize that the bond pet owners experience with their animals can be just as strong, if not stronger, than anything they’ve had with a person before.
This makes the loss of a dog very difficult for many people.
Everyone will have a different process they go through after their dog dies: different layers of grief that express and resolve themselves in unique ways.
Mine happened to contain this deep feeling of emptiness.
Yours may be very different. I encourage you to try to make room for whatever arises. And, as much as you can, do so without judgment of yourself. It is your process and it deserves respect.
Miss What You Miss
I miss many things about our little guy that I was so accustomed to experiencing daily.
I miss feeling his fur.
I miss his smell.
I miss the weight of his little body as I hold him in my arms.
I miss all his funny quirks and things he loved about living.
I miss the way his eyes would look at us as if he truly understood.
The more rational part of my brain understands; of course, I miss things in my life that are no longer there. This is a lifestyle adjustment that will take time to adapt. In that respect, it makes sense and doesn’t feel like something to dwell on.
But the primal part of me is tuned differently. It registers what is no longer in my environment, which triggers deep emotional reactions. And that can be difficult to override.
I am trying to balance missing these very real things while understanding that, with time, my life will readjust; just as it did when our furry guy entered my life years ago.
Everyone who loses their dog will miss different things. I’m here to say, it’s ok to miss those parts of your life. You don’t have to push it aside just because your dog is gone now.
Allow yourself to miss what you want. And celebrate what you want, too.
It hasn’t even been a month that’s he’s been gone but I have a feeling that, with time, those things I miss about my dog will eventually become what I celebrate about his life instead. But for now, I’m allowing myself to miss them and not rush my process too quickly.
Seek Helpful Support
It is ok to be choosy about who and what you share with people in your life.
You don’t need to share your life’s happenings with everyone — especially if you are feeling vulnerable and really need support. It is a fact of life that not everyone will be able to provide what you may need, particularly after the death of your dog.
There may be people who tell you things like, “It’s not like this is your sister who died. He was just a dog. You shouldn’t be that sad.”
Please know that these people don’t know any better. If they did, they wouldn’t say things like that. They would know how much these comments usually hurt people grieving their deceased dog.
It is easier for those who did not live with and care for your dog — day in and day out — to say these things.
Sometimes people make comments like this because they are removed from the situation and are therefore removed from the emotional impact.
It’s also possible that they are removed from their emotions, entirely. People who don’t feel comfortable with their own emotions have a hard time allowing others to express theirs.
No matter the reason, please seek better support if this happens to you. Tell a different trusted friend or family member how you’re feeling and what you may need. If all else fails in your inner circles, you can always opt for pet grieving support groups or a therapist.
Just remember, it is completely normal to seek support. There are safe areas to express and explore your emotions about your dog’s passing.
And there will be people who understand.
Everyone’s process after losing their beloved dog is different, but one thing remains the same: we all can benefit from support. That support may look different depending on who you are.
- Some people may just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on.
- Others may need someone to be quiet and really listen to them.
- Still, others may want a friend to walk silently with them along their dog's favorite trail in the woods.
Whatever you need is just that; your specific need. It is right for you and your process.
Just know that the pain after your dog’s passing may feel too great to bear but you will get through it. And if there are times you feel overwhelmed by the pain, it is always more than ok to ask for support.
Thanks for reading. I wish you strength as well as the opportunity to be vulnerable as you move through your very real pain of loss. Below I’ve listed some resources in case you aren’t finding the support you need in your inner circles.
The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement
Grief Support Center (with an online chat room option)