Ready For Sex

But don’t they care where they stick it?

I go on and off of Tinder, regularly. Sometimes I have a spurt of energy for complete nonsense, so I get on it. Then I get underwhelmed and delete the app. It’s a continuing cycle.

What I’ve come to realize is that there’s a difference between real life hope and Tinder hope.

In real life, there’s genuine hope that you might meet a decent guy who wants to get to know you for the woman you are.

Tinder hope equates to the false hopes that real men even exist. After a few days back on the app, I give in to the fact that maybe I’ll just gather enough intel to write an amusing story. Then, once again, I end the current Tinder cycle.

There’s no real hope on Tinder. But there are stories.

This edition of the Tinder cycle features Mike. I’ve been chatting online to him for about 3 days now, and it’s all been centered around just sex. Mike was clear from the get-go that he just wants sex and he’s trying to muster up any way possible get it.

No offers are on the table to maybe meet first. No suggestions to go for a drink to try and lube up my inhibitions. He just wants an address, because of course he “lives with tenants”, so it has to be at my place.

I’m onto Mike though, so I’m stringing him along to see how hard he’ll try to score. As soon as he said he’s strictly looking for sex, I stopped caring about how I present myself. I was done with him, but willing to play this game of cat and mouse for a while before I delete myself again.

Mike and I have mulled over our work schedules, which have already proven there’s no synchronicity happening here. His only days off are Sundays, I work double shifts every Sunday. He’s not willing to lose sleep on a work night, neither am I.

Today he asked if I get a break at work.

I asked, “A break for what?”

He said, “I’ll show you.”

First of all, eewww. Second of all, what is he planning on doing? Bending me over behind a dumpster in a back alley for a quickie? Thirdly, did I even shave my legs today?

How are men just so READY for sex, all the time??

I’m no prude. If he was my boyfriend or husband, damn straight I’d be up for random places at the drop of a hat. I’d lose ALL the sleep and coffee breaks for a man who is MY man. When I was married, my husband and I christened many a random place in the name of scandalous sex.

But meeting and f**king on my coffee break at work, with a dude I’ve never met before?

Doesn’t Mike want to find out anything about me first? My real name, my age, whether or not I’m a catfish?

At the very least, like BARE minimum….doesn’t he want to converse long enough to try and figure out whether or not I’m a scorned woman with a penchant for murdering Tinder booty calls, and hiding the bodies in my basement?

I don’t even have a basement, but that’s beside the point.

Sadly, although Mike probably likes to think he’s unique, he’s not. The number of men who expect women to just text an address and wait for them to show up is shocking.

Mike even went as far as to tell me what I should be wearing if he does get that address and show up.

Guys like Mike make me wonder what men’s fantasies are like. Has someone already fulfilled it in a way that makes him think others will? Or is he just trying his best to star in his own cheesy porn movie?

Will he show up wearing a tool belt and say he’s here to “fix my washer?”

The funniest thing about Mike so far is that he hasn’t yet figured out that this is a game for me now. I’m wondering how long he’s going to keep this up before he realizes that if he would have just asked me out for a drink, we probably would have met 3 days ago already.

If he offered ANY kind of indication that he has a personality, things would be different on my end. He hasn’t made me laugh once. He hasn’t uttered a single thought-provoking word.

There’s no “mystique” happening here.

Mike hasn’t even tried to entice me by sexting! He hasn’t said a single word about what he’d like to do to me. He just says, “You’ll see.” or “I’ll give you a treat.”

Dude, I can go to 7-Eleven for treats and not even have to put any makeup on.

In fact, Mike is a man of so few words that I’m not even sure he has a brain. I just know he has a dick and he’s willing to use it.

Doesn’t he know that all men have that?

My tip for you? Don’t eat yellow snow. Your tip for me? How about a coffee?