Reading in a Pandemic
Yes, It Really Is Hard
For the past two weeks I have zoomed with some of my most cherished college friends. I have not talked with these women in ages. And yet, as with any one of my college friends or roommates circa 1998–2002, no matter how much time has passed it always feels like we just hugged yesterday. I say this because time is a crazy thing and because friendship is a wonderful thing.
In our zoom talks we discussed the fact and the worry that none of us are reading much anymore. And how it is a struggle to read. And this hurts my bookworm identity very much. I have had a lot of trouble reading, I suppose, in recent history. And now a lot of us are in the same ‘how do we read books’ boat. What’s the deal here?
Anxiety and Reading
Oh, oh yes, anxiety is the deal. This loss of our ability to read can be chalked up to our anxiety which is caused by a massive sense of uncertainty about the world we are living in right now, our own lives and our ability to stay safe, healthy, and to find whatever semblance of routine and normalcy we can. For many of us, reading was our normal. And now that might be a bit gone.
When I was going through a high custody conflict battle, and when I continue to go through it, aka when I have to be dragged back into court again, sigh I notice that a lot of my favorite activities are harder to do. Reading is the first thing to go. It takes so much effort to relax into a book. It takes so much freedom from worry to relax into a book. It takes so much ability to let go and be at peace to relax into a book.
None of us are feeling much peace right now. Yes we try, I know. I have seen your Facebook posts and your Instagram’s. I have seen the advertisements nonstop for all of the products that are supposed to help us zen out and bliss out and wine out and heal out.
Yet we cannot buy certainty. We cannot purchase a monthly subscription to ‘let’s know what will happen and how it will be, okay?’
I long to escape into a good book. But I just have not been able to. For months and now that seems to be the ‘new normal.’ I remember how it felt to feel free and to have some sort of predictability. Because that is important. Not boring. Important. During my time of being free from court and high conflict, for one year, I was able to establish routine, to get into new hobbies, to start writing and writing and writing. It was really wonderful. And then, this all took a hit once I got the letter in the mail saying — against all reason and logic — that I had to go deal with court things again. Things started to tumble from there. And then bam, COVID-19 hit.
I write, still. I know many writers are still writing. It might not feel the same, there’s some sort of “hope this works” prayer in every sentence now, but it’s an attempt. But reading, sigh.
I have had some luck with reading when it comes to reading books to my kid at night. This mother love, yes. This gets me to focus. I also am able to read tiny things. Little zen things, fairy tales, one at a time, poems. And audiobooks are my new friends. Who cares if I have to listen to the same chapter a few times because I started to zone out. It counts as reading!
When we are going through uncertainty, anxiety, worry, an inability to predict or plan — a lot of things fall by the wayside and we go into full on survival mode. Reading is like thriving mode, it is enriching mode, it is growing mode. And that takes a foundation of being able to know a bit more about what tomorrow may bring and about what next month will bring.
COVID-19 Life
Our current COVID-19 lives do not allow for this stability. COVID-19 life is one of scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, texting, staring in disbelief at screens, and somehow this taking every form of energy we’ve ever had so that 8am and 11pm and 6pm and 1am and 5am all feel like kind of the same time every single day. COVID-19 life is wondering why I’ve done three dishwasher loads of dishes every day and not knowing where my body begins and my couch ends. COVID-19 life is waiting to hear that someone has stepped up to be in charge, that someone has made an effort to put human life before profit, that someone is going to make sure it is actually safe out there with a vaccine or treatments, with financial support, with better laws and policies about people, lives, health, and futures. COVID-19 life is uncertainty 24/7.
“The pandemic that we’re in is the most uncertain thing possible. You don’t know when it’s going to end, whether you’re going to get it. You don’t even know what it is, really. And all of a sudden, everything in your environment is dangerous. Door handles are dangerous. Other people are dangerous. It’s the most uncertain thing.” — Oliver J. Robinson, from Why it’s so hard to read a book right now, explained by a neuroscientist “We’re trying to resolve an uncertainty that is unresolvable.”By Constance Grady
Books I Have Been Able To Read
In all of this uncertainty and with books and reading being central to so many of us, I have this tiny list of books I have been able to read, for the most part. In no particular order.
This book is a delight full stop. And you can read one tiny little chapter a day, or not, or one a week, really. The thing about reading and now is no pressure. Just cherish what you can and find things that are delightful, like this. Ross Gay is a treasure.
It’s a quote a page. And pictures. We can do this.
One at a time. Really. Not a sit down and get through this cover to cover. It is a one at a time treasure-trove of classic fairy tales that are helpful af right now.
One tiny chapter a day. Or a page. It is up to you.
And now a picture of all of the books I just cannot read right now. Dang. I mean, wow. I love to look at my shelves. I cherish my books. But dang, not right now fam.
©Jenny Justice. All Rights Reserved.
Jenny Justice, Poet. Author of Love in the Time of Climate Change and Reveal. You can read more of her poetry at Justice Poetic. Sign up for her newsletter here.
