Learning to love all of yourself, truly
Raising Your Sails of Self-Trust into Freedom and True Self-Love
The winds are yours
On the floor of the back porch there is a rock I found on my travels years ago. I painted pink words upon it, “You can do it!” as a daily reminder.
Do what? You ask. I don’t remember what I was motivating myself for in that creation, but now it is a message to get to doing whatever I have set my mind to.
I fail a lot. And want to give up at times. But I also succeed a lot. Because I know it takes many falls to learn the way. I know how to fall and now know when to get up.
Do I reach my own expectation bars? Sometimes no, but sometimes I exceed them. And sometimes, I need to readjust my expectation bars to keep going.
When I was a schoolteacher, there were times where I was the only adult in a student’s life who believed they were capable, or smart, or skilled. Faith and belief in one’s own abilities can move mountains.
One thing I haven’t learned how to encourage in complete fullness is self-worth, self-belief and self- love. Even loving someone as deeply as I possibly can, and I’ve done it, may not inspire this self love in another.
What I can do, is model it to the best of my ability. Words only go so far. Actions and words must meet.
Frankly, I love being underestimated. I love being mislabeled. I love being told I cannot do something, because it lights a fire in me, not to prove to anyone else, but to prove to myself I can.
“The one thing that I wanted to talk about was the concept of believing in yourself, especially in the age of the internet.
You’re constantly comparing yourself to other people. You’re constantly comparing yourself to other, like people in your field of study that may be better than you are at what you’re doing.
They may be better artist, better musicians. When you are constantly trying to meet the expectations of someone else you’re letting yourself down.
I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone except myself, I don’t owe anybody anything.” ~M.I Abaga, song Last Night I Had a dream about a Hummingbird from the album “A Study of Self- Worth”
In living on the planet for four decades, I’ve seen people who had rotten-to-the-core parents, seen these heroes create empires despite it all, and heal generations of abuse. And I’ve seen others with these same rotten-to-the-core parents live a half-life suffering asleep in their full lifetime.
I often think — what’s the difference between these two?
What creates an individual who steps out in the world with the confidence that she can accomplish anything — when they were made to believe they were nothing by their parents?
My mother had a sort of mantra she would tell me nearly everyday.
You are smart.
You are special.
You are beautiful.
My mother may not believe these things about herself — I wish she would — but they are echoes of love on dark days for me.
For other young women and young men, their echoes of hate were words that should have never be spoken to children, or an adult for that matter.
So what is the difference between a parent who had a positivity message for their child and a parent who constantly cut their child down? How can a child of abuse learn to love, learn to have self worth — when the parent did everything in their power to create insecurity and self hate?
Was it all the times they had to take on the mother role or the father role to their siblings, because one or both parents were absent?
Perhaps.
Grit?
Supportive siblings, chosen family who loves them?
Determination to prove to the world?
I don’t know.
What I think a lot of it is — is our self speak. And having other kind souls giving the gift of kind words to form this kind self speak. Our self speak is an amalgamation of what we have heard from those around us over and over again. What we keep replaying, and what we throw away.
Half the time, how we describe ourselves in mind, aren’t even our own descriptions. The narration of our self worth is read in our voice, but was written by another.
They were perspectives of ourselves given to us by a critical loathing parent, a jealous friend, an abusive spouse. Anyone, who in their suffering, created more suffering with their cruel, discompassionate, unthoughtful, unaware mind in words.
And those negative labels sure do stick don’t they?
But the:
You are smart.
You are special.
You are beautiful.
Those words have stayed with me throughout my life.
You too can start with those words.
You are smart. You are special. You are beautiful.
A pure gift of words I have to remind myself when I get down on me. Especially when I’m tired — catching those unkind thoughts (and my bitch pot creeping in) much more challenging.
We certainly love to collect those unkind words, and open the insult box, return to the frayed edges of words, we’ve handled and rehandled, used in our past by people who really didn’t love us. Or at least, didn’t know how to love.
All I know is that love does not include emotional, or physical abuse. I’d call that attachment in a “love” suit.
Anyone who loves you is not going to put you down. If someone is, they want you down for some reason.
Whether that’s because they want you as down as them, or out of complete unawareness of how unkind they are in their own mind, or even control. There are many reasons people try to keep others down.
Throwing around insults is extremely easy when one is self-deprecating in mind, day in and day out. In fact, it probably feels good to label someone else with the same bullshit given as a moniker. If only to feel like they are less alone. Projection anyone?
But where does our beautiful kindness words box go?
(Here on Medium, if someone says something so kind it warms my heart, I save it in a private list called “beautiful kindness” for the days when I wonder if my writing is helping anyone. Or if I’m feeling low, returning to them sometimes brightens me right up.)
So where have you put your beautiful kindness box?
Under the bed tucked way back in the corner?
When someone says something kind to you, do you even believe it to be true?
Or do you have so many unkind voices of your past drowning out the kindness right in front of you?
Sometimes when the kindnesses come, we don’t even take the time to savor them. We crumple them up and let the wind take them to someone “more worthy.”
That’s bullshit, you are worthy of all the kindness given to you! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, including yourself!
You are worthy of all the kindness being offered to you and more!
Sometimes, we flat out refuse to believe anyone can be kind to us without an ulterior motive. Because our whole lives we’ve been used for one thing or another. I get this.
And how tragic it is that someone, some user and abuser of our pasts stole our present ability to trust in the kindness being offered without any strings, but of sheer compassion.
Fucking tragic.
Believing in yourself has to become an unwavering core.
And it can even be a flexible palm tree, which bends sometimes, but never breaks. Yet, no one breaking into the core faith you have in your strengths and skills. And also knowing, having the self awareness, where one needs major reinforcement before the snap comes.
Self reflection.
Believing in yourself has to become so steadfast, the keel of self trust and faith cuts through all the destructive criticism. The absolute bologna words people lash out in anger with, or just the douchebag online who has nothing better to do then drop some hate.
The keel of self-trust and faith makes a smooth path through all these rough waters. And keeps the belief so steady in the waters of life, nothing will capsize you.
Even if people try to unkeel you, you are so steady nothing can unbalance this.
I feel that some people see security in another — kindness someone has for themselves, hope, self-faith, self-love and real happiness they that have within, and it scares them. There is someone who is standing right in front of them with exactly what they wish in mind to be. And that insecurity and fragile, enormous ego takes over and becomes the motivating factor in cutting another person down.
Is it a challenge to build ourselves up?
Fuck yeah it is, with decades of conditioning and cruel words being spouted at us.
But instead of going around town putting other people down, how about trying something different?
Take that energy being investing in cutting others down, who do have security in themselves (have created and worked on having this level of security and self-love and self-trust) how about taking that same energy and writing a love letter to yourself instead?
Give yourself a chance in your own upliftment.
There is one thing you love about yourself. There is one. I know there is.
Even if you hate almost everything about you, there is always one thing you admire about yourself. Hold onto that for now. Let that grow. Give gratitude to yourself for that. And expand from there. Use your energy for upliftment, not carrying around an ax chopping down another’s faith in themselves.
Words of encouragement from another, there’s nothing like it. Such a gift in this world! Yet, yet if you rely on the words of another in attachment, in getting the daily boost of someone else’s kindness, on the external validation in how you look or act — this can turn into some hit you have to keep running back to.
Someone else is then offering you your worth.
You own your worth.
It is not another’s job to re-up your supply of kindness or love. That kindness should be the whipped cream on top, the sprinkles of your own self-worth. The razzle-dazzle sparkle to what you already know to be true, through and through.
If you rely on another to fill your self-worth up — you have become moored to, not only their offerings, but to co-dependency.
Instead of being interdependent, in co-dependency you’ll stay tethered to the dock with packed sails, unable to catch the wind. Twiddling your thumbs waiting for a captain, who ain’t you, to sail free.
You’ll also become prey to any slight breeze which comes by and makes you feel worthy of living.
Which may seem like it could lift the sails. But really, you’re still tied to the dock, sails up, or not, breeze or not — you’re not going anywhere. Even if it seems you may be. You are just waiting for another, “you’re beautiful” or “I love you” wind of hot air.
And this is how people stay in unhealthy relationships for years and years.
Even more the malicious codependency can involve the person who “loves” you, in the dead of night, cutting holes in your self worth sails. Claiming YOU did it, or some other person did it, or even that you “deserved” it.
Thus making sure, even if the winds are strong enough to take you away, you don’t sail free into true-self love. You are still docked tight, with rips in your sails, mending and re-mending them every night.
These types of people make you believe THEY are the Gods of wind. And if you do what they bid, maybe, just maybe they might stitch a thread or two in the sail they have slashed.
Maybe they’ll blow some hot “love” air in your face with false hope, false promises, false words, false apologies to make damn sure you stay moored to that dock.
Friend, your sails are your own to rise high when the winds are neigh. And protect them. Wait and meditate on the beauty you are in between winds and be.
Friend, you can repair the slashes of the cruel world.
Friend, you can cut the thick braided rope, which keeps you moored — docked in the harbor and set sail into freedom.
You can do it!
What can you do?
Any fucking thing you may have fears of doing. At least, attempt success then you can tell yourself you put yourself out there and did it. That is success in and of itself.
It’ll take time to learn this. Seriously, I still am. Sometimes, these ropes are knotted so tightly, they are seemingly frozen in place from years of aging and conditions.
But you can begin again. Every day, in every moment.
And even if your sails have never been hoisted. Even if your sails have been cut by you, or anyone else, even if you don’t yet know how to sail —
You can do it.
You can raise them yourself. You can repair them yourself. You can learn how the wind blows. And catch that momentum whenever it comes to you!
You can keep your beautiful kindness box right on your sailboat. And let it be a reminder of others who want nothing more than to watch you sail free out into the beautiful waters without fetters and predators.
You can take your box of pain out into the deep blue sea, and listen to the splash as you let it swim with the fishes.
You can even keep that box and go through every fucking untruth ever said about you, rip them up, and watch them blow away in that same wind of your sails setting you free.
It takes time to counter balance years of untruths told about you, or told to yourself by yourself, to keep you moored.
For me, it took years of daily practice in catching the unkindnesses in mind. And replacing those words with kind words I know to be true about me.
But that means being truthful to yourself. Get real.
Where you have room to grow. Where your expectation bars are set. Where you have made mistakes. Where you have caused pain. Knowing where we were wrong.
Keep going.
Whatever you are doing for the well-being of your being, keep going. But be real about your limitations. Yet, do not allow others’ limitations on you, to define your being.
I know I’ll never be able to swim around the globe. I’m okay with that. Well, am a little bummed I’m not a dolphin. But being a human is fun too. Plus we have arms to hug one another. : )
But I do know I can write a book! I have enough words in my library here to put a book together that maybe, just maybe can help another human along the way. I’ve put time and effort and great love into these words for exactly this reason.
This is why I write, this is my mission on this planet. My drive in the morning upon awakening, the wind in my sails. Writing words and helping others have always been what keeps me going. My right and left hands. What awakens me every day. What enlivens me.
And listen, I know, sometimes you just want to give up. And sometimes, in some parts of life, we need to.
Shitty relationships where you aren’t heard, where the behavior of another shows you — chances are not likely — they won’t stop hurting you. Jobs where your being is undervalued and overworked. Stupid fucking crap someone told you twenty years ago, you’ve allowed to shape the very definition of who you are.
Some things do need to be given up. Even if you put time into them, by letting go, you get your well-being back. You can get back to you in peace.
You can let go. Let it go in self love and self care, my friend. Whatever it is, you can let it go.
Nothing is worth your peace, right now, not even prior time invested.
Some ropes just need to be cut right on through, to finally set sail.
But the one person I don’t want you to ever give up on is yourself.
It doesn’t matter if anyone believes in your dream, or who you are as a person.
Your actions show you who you are.
You are your greatest ally. You are your best friend. Your loveliest cheerleader.
What you tell yourself in your mind, needs to be like your own president of the You Fan Club, where all the members are also you.
You need to be your greatest supporter. So no one else can swoop in and emotionally manipulate you into thinking they are the president of your fan club, only to find out they are more like the president of your hate club.
Day in and day out you need to be the truest love to you.
You spend the most time with you, why not do it in kindness?
I mean, it just feels better to be kind to yourself.
And who actually wants to feel like shit? Not me!
Fill yourself with kindness and compassion, not shame and guilt. Recognize when they arise.
“In true love you find freedom”~ Thich Nhat Hahn
Thich Nhat Hahn says, in true love you find freedom. For me, this includes true love of self, not love of ego, but true love for yourself in everything you were, everything you are in this moment, and everything you will become.
In true self-love, you find your freedom to be.
Even when others are saying you need to be different from what you be. You be you, hoist those colorful sails, and show yourself to yourself in your actions of being who you are now, and will be. Have compassion for the person you once were, let go of that past version. You can go anywhere from here. The winds are yours to catch and glide and set sail.
Just be in the process of becoming with forgiveness, trust, faith and inner words of kindness for yourself, in every moment you can remember.
And give yourself the support you so rightfully deserve in this life.
You can be a free spirit being, exactly who you want to be, in this very moment.
Choose. Action. Be. Interbe.
It’s in your choices. It’s in your actions. It’s in your mind.
Friend, cut all the ropes that bind you, and let the wind carry you as far as your heart can go.
You can do it.
You have faith in you.
And I do too.
with radical love,
🌈💜
~namaste~
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As of now, our human narrations are NOT calculated into our read time earnings. (Ai narration listening is, human narrations bypass any earnings) So if you listen, it would be a great help to us if you could also scroll through/read along. Thank you for listening!
Dear Tony Stubblebine,
Could we please make human narrations a priority here on Medium in 2023? It would be a wonderful gift for us. Hearing the human heart behind the words brings all of our hearts closer together in humanity. And good gracious do we need this. ❤
Good morning, good afternoon and good evening. Whenever you be, wherever you are, be peace and be love along the way. And namaste, my friends.
Enjoy your moments today, these ones today only come once in this glorious lifetime. Why not make them beautiful?
