Fiction |Fantasy |Mash-up |Alternate History

“Rainbow, Dead Ahead!”

A Kraken Lore Monday Mash-Up x March Prompt Response

This story is my response to The Kraken Lore’s March-themed Monthly Prompts combined with Monday Mash-Up #19. Join in the fun!

I never liked the bloody Irish.

Useless sacks of potatoes, the lot of ‘em.

So when I discovered that the Chief Purser onboard was a damned leprechaun named McElroy, I had two of my watchmen throw a sack over his head and drag him up to see me on the Bridge.

He arrived, some minutes later, dragged in by the watchmen. A third crewman — a porter — was in tow carrying two small suitcases that were overflowing with gold coins and refused to close.

“Top o’ the mornin’, Captain!” the leprechaun said cheerfully in a thick Dublin accent. As the watchmen roughly dropped him to the deck, McElroy reached into his pocket and pulled out a strange looking note.

“What’s that?” I asked him, leaning in close to inspect it. It was some kind of currency, a paper note of a brownish color.

“Oh this?” he asked with a raised bushy eyebrow. “It’s an old Canadian $2 bill. Well, it doesn’t even go into circulation until the 70s, so it’s a future bill I guess you could — ”

“ — Enough!” I yelled.

McElroy shrugged. “Suits yourself. You’ll find out soon enough…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an uninflated party balloon. “While you’re at it, here — blow on this will ya?”

I scoffed but snatched the balloon anyway. This tiny man was surely trying my patience! “I don’t see what purpose this will serve…”

“It’s a MacGuffin,” the leprechaun said with a grin. In his hands he twirled a gold coin.

“What’s a MacGuffin?” I made the mistake of asking him between breaths of air into the balloon.

“Oh, well,” he began, “it can be many things. In this case — ”

I blew one breath too many and the balloon popped in my face. Strips of rainbow confetti floated to the ground as my surprised expression was replaced by a confused one.

“Uh, Bridge! Looks like we’re about to be swallowed up by a …rainbow!” came a cry from the lookout.

McElroy suddenly stopped twirling his coin. “ — it was merely to distract you long enough to do this!”

My beloved ship — the unsinkable Titanic — suddenly pitched forward violently and began to sink down into a frightening rainbow-colored whirlpool right at the end of a rainbow!

I heard passengers and crew alike wail and cry out as the steamliner was pulled into the maw of this abominable maelstrom.

No sooner did we enter the twisting spiral of colors did we emerge unscathed on the other side — a jolly green leprechaun sat merrily counting his coins.

I racked my brains. What had just happened? Who was I? I looked to be dressed as a naval officer and yet we were perched on the pristine shores of a sandy atoll.

“Erm, Mr. Leprechaun?” I started.

“Mmm, yes?” came his response. He struck a match on one of the golden coins in his pot and proceeded to light his pipe as nonchalantly as possible.

This leprechaun must know what happened to me! I just felt it in my bones.

“Can you explain what’s going on around here?”

The diminutive man puffed away on his pipe. “I could explain everything, and transport you back to where I left you, or I could leave you alone on this blissful little tropical paradise island. What say you, Cap’n?”

Cap’n? Was I the captain of a ship? I couldn’t remember…

“Just remember,” he continued, “whatever you decide, you choose for everyone.” He stepped to the side, revealing hundreds — perhaps even thousands — of other people wandering the narrow atoll. Some were dressed like me — sailors — while others seemed like ordinary civilians.

“Just remember,” I repeated. “That’s easier said than done, Mr. Leprechaun.”

The curious leprechaun tossed his gold coin into my hands. “Why not flip for it?”

Score: 14/14
Disaster befalls the Titanic (spoiler!): +2 points
2x A suitcase that won't close: +2 points
An old Canadian $2 bill: +1 point
A popped balloon: +1 point
Captain loses his memory: +2 points
The balloon is the MacGuffin: +5 points
This sexy tally box: +1 point
Woohoo!!!

While mostly fictitious and meant to be humorous, I thought it wise to point out that I hold no bias or grudge toward the Irish, nor do I think they’re all leprechauns. Some, sure. But Hugh Walter McElroy was a real person, and he is reported to have died during the sinking of the Titanic. I dedicate this story to him and the other crew of the Titanic.