SALSA DIARIES #5

Racist Guy Falls in Love With Fellow Racist at Trump Rally

Trump was the love that brought them together

That’s Hilly. He used to be our smartest hooligan at the Chateaux. A man whose devastating jumpers enabled him to blend with any surroundings. He had this unique talent of wearing a cap and turning racist all at once. Everybody loved Hilly.

It’s why his betrayal was hard to understand.

He’s officially resigned from being our fully-committed full-time racist. Our little mini-cannon we could set off to drive the neighborhood pricing down. He was brilliant at clearing Black people from their homes. Like a true man of the hood, his boldness in sparking fights was frightening. Nobody stood a chance when he went full-berserker.

We could all recite a Hilly story. There’s the one where he famously punched a BLM protestor to the ground and literally tore his ear off with one gut-wrenching bite. Or the time he went savage and pulled down his pants to shit in front of an Indian family right on top of their picnic.

Classic Hilly!

Then one day, Thursday it was, he arrived into the office with a spiked collar around his neck and led on a chain by this pencil-thin pasty dude. His white complexion positively glowed. Hilly had fallen in love and was eager to show the world. He loved nothing more than to be dominated apparently.

How did this happen Hilly?

We should’ve seen the clues. He had begun reading Medium and talking about his feelings. He was no longer enjoying being a racist. He was a big fan of Tim Denning and had read several online manifestos about how to express your true feelings. He spoke of wanting to give back and how woke he felt since attending a Trump rally.

“Wait. A Trump rally?” We were all in shock.

Hilly showed me the press image that came out that week. It wasn’t the only thing that was coming out that week. In hindsight, Hilly’s choice of favorite Christmas sweater wasn’t him being ironic, but a loud cry of wanting acknowledgment of the secret life he was living.

Hilly only had eyes for Gary. This was the moment he fell in love. Gary’s weasel mustache glinted under the lights. His hunched demeanor causing our Hilly to get bent out of shape with desire. He couldn’t take his eyes off him.

“But you hate POC Hilly?” No, he replied, he only wanted an end to immigration and children in cages. If they kept the Mexicans out, then there’ll be no more children in cages. It’s flawed logic and Hilly wanted to remain true to himself. Racist, but not angry, throat-punch a Democrat, racist. He basically liked having his cookie eaten while being stimulated in Klan uniform.

“It’s better to be badgered than to be a badger,” he said enigmatically, handing over his resignation letter.

In honor of Hilly, we removed our burning cross from in front of the Chateaux.

Farewell Brother Hilly, we’ll never forget you.

It’s the crossover event of the year! Catch #1 and #2 from The AAAAbsurdist and #4 live in The Bad Influence:

Hogan Torah I’m leaving my mess everywhere!