Race To The Bridge

Summary

The author is grappling with the profound decision of whether to transition genders, weighing the ease of changing physical attributes against the complexities of societal acceptance and personal mental health.

Abstract

The author expresses a deep internal conflict regarding the decision to transition genders. Despite being physically one gender, the author identifies mentally with another. The dilemma is compounded by the consideration of 64 years of personal history and societal bigotry towards transgender individuals. The author feels torn between the peace of being true to oneself and the potential social rejection that might follow, or maintaining a socially acceptable facade at the cost of personal internal turmoil. Drawing on the wisdom of Carl Jung, the author reflects on the importance of authenticity and the alignment of thoughts, words, and actions. The decision to transition is seen as both a medical necessity and an act of courage, with the hope that loved ones will understand, even if society does not.

Opinions

The author feels that transitioning is a logical choice given the relative ease of changing physical characteristics compared to mental rewiring.
There is a sense of historical and societal rejection of transgender identities, which complicates the author's decision.
The author perceives themselves as an aberration or a social virus according to societal norms, indicating deep-seated internalized transphobia.
The author is torn between the desire for internal peace through transitioning and the fear of social rejection.
Authenticity is highly valued by the author, who believes that being true to oneself is paramount, even in the face of adversity.
The decision to transition is likened to choosing which of two trains to allow across a bridge, with the author frozen at the switch, indicating a moment of significant choice and uncertainty.
The author acknowledges the courage required to transition and accepts it as a personal need rather than a choice.
There is a hopeful outlook that the people the author loves will provide understanding and support regardless of societal reactions.

To transition, or not to transition?

I am angry right now.

I am being forced to make a decision: to stay something I am physically but not mentally, or to be something I am not physically but am mentally.

The bottom-line is, I can change the physical much easier than I can change the mental. Science doesn’t have the tools to see, identify or even understand how I can be wired female but a surgeon can make me look like one. So, logically, changing my physical gender presentation is the way to go, right?

But not so fast.

That may be logical but what about the 64 years of life and relationships that the world has known me by and the thousands of years of bigoted history that has rejected my base concept of being transgender?

According to most, I am, at a minimum, a gender aberration, at the worst, a social virus that should be eradicated.

Wow, what choices I have.

Internal peace and social rejection, or social acceptance and internal hell.

I feel like two parallel trains rushing for the one single bridge crossing. The lever to select the train to cross that bridge is in my hands, and I am frozen at the switch. Only one can cross. So which one?

According to Carl Jung: “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

I have been told that it is important to be your “authentic self.” Until four years ago I thought I was. I was so ignorant of who and what I was. Even with years of therapy and intense self-examination, I still have problems with accepting it all.

…but my life and time are limited.

Being your true authentic self means what you say in life aligns with that of your actions. It is about being true to yourself through your thoughts, words, and actions and having these three areas match each other. For someone that is also transgender, it means all of that, plus changing your physical presentation, and then taking on the world.

What a wonderful choice.

This forces me to accept a medical need that can’t be denied and then display a massive amount of courage. So I have to either pull the switch to transition or be prepared to lay on the track and let the other train hit me.

I will take the chance that my authentic self is more valuable to me than a social facade to make the rest of the world happy. In the end, it is truly not my choice, but it is my absolute need.

I hope the people I love will understand even if the world doesn't.